Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, October 11, 2016.   

Neologism……

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Cantankerous(n), able to drive a tank.

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Defenestration (n.), Uninstalling Windows 7 and then installing Linux.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide.” -Conan O’Brien

“Two guys in New Hampshire were arrested after they tried to rob a group of people playing Bingo. Cops became suspicious when they saw a car driving away from the Bingo hall going more than 10 miles an hour.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A study has found that some people can suffer symptoms of withdrawal when they are forced to stay away from social media sites. This is why I’m not even on Facebook. I update my high school yearbook manually with a pen.” -Jimmy Kimmel  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.

“Look, a scale,” the man said to his friend. “Let’s see how my new diet is working out.”

He stepped on the scale.

“I can’t believe it!” he said as he read the result. “I’ve been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I’m heaver than I was before! How can that be?”

He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. “Here, hold my jacket,” he said.

The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.

Not much change.

“Here,” he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. “Hold my Twinkies too.”Emoji 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You know, if I wasn’t in uniform, I’d split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you could say, ‘Police brutality’.” 

ANSWER: National Lampoon’s Vacation! This was said by the police officer (James Keach) that pulled over the Griswolds when he saw Dinky (Aunt Edna’s dog) being dragged along for “a mile or so” after Clark forgot to untie the leash from the bumper when packing the car. Classic scene.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “What you’re telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead dude?”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Insert the words in COLUMN II into the spaces in COLUMN I to form words. Do not rearrange the letters.
 
COLUMN I…………. COLUMN II
 
IN_ _ _ _O………….ACHE
CON_ _ _ _ NT……..AUNT
H_ _ _ _ING………..BAND
EX_ _ _ _ENT……….BITE
OR_ _ _ _R…………CELL
TA_ _ _ _RY………..CENT
DIS_ _ _ _T…………CHAR
FOR_ _ _ _ TE………COLA
AL_ _ _ _ R………….DIME
EM_ _ _ _ Y………….DOME
PER_ _ _ _ TE……….EACH
A_ _ _ _ ON………….FERN
DIS_ _ _ _ GE……….JOIN
O_ _ _ _ TER………..LOVE
IN_ _ _ _ IVE………..PATH
IM_ _ _ _OR…………PEST
B_ _ _ _LOR…………POST
T_ _ _ _ER…………..TUNA 
 

ANSWER:  INFERNO

CONDIMENT

HAUNTING

EXCELLENT

ORBITER

TAPESTRY

DISJOINT

FORTUNATE

ALLOVER

EMPATHY

PERCOLATE

ABANDON

DISCHARGE

ODOMETER

INCENTIVE

IMPOSTOR

BACHELOR

TEACHER

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What classic western phrase is represented by this?
 
TtHhIeSbToOtWhNof us
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

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Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, September 20, 2016.   

Confucius Jokes….

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like bananas.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress. 

Man who dream of eating giant mushroom – wake up with no pillow.

War doesn’t determine who’s right.  War determines who’s left.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.

Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny’s while sober.” -Conan O’Brien

“According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle.” -Seth Meyers

“The post office just can’t get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan – uninvent the Internet.” -Jimmy Fallon 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant’s table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. “I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!” he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, “This is the second such case we’ve had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!” Emoji 

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Do you have change for a dollar? All I have are these damn Nepalese coins.”

ANSWER: There’s Something About Mary! Patrick Healy (Matt Dillon) said this Mary Jensen (Cameron Diaz) when they were packing their cars at the driving range. Healy had been wiretapping her house and heard her say that she would be interested in a regular guy who drinks beer, plays golf and has been to Nepal. Healy used this as a way to gain her attention and affection. Healy was a true slimebucket, but it was definitely Dillon’s funniest role. “There’s Something About Mary” is a laugh riot from start to finish. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? Man: “You know, blackjack is the only game where a good player has a mathematical advantage over the house.” Woman: “Really? Are you a professional?”  Man: “No. Are you?” 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Below are five band names and one of each of their songs. However, they have been rephrased and it is your job to figure them out.

1. Blue and yellow in a period after night sings “Avenue containing shattered nighttime fancies”.

2. “Numerically” also, the 21st letter of the alphabet sings “A sensation of dizziness”.

3. Illuminated sight organs sings “A chemical substance that can injure or kill”.

4. Involuntary shutting and opening of the eye #91 doubled sings “Merry-go-round”.

5. The thankful deceased sings “Carton of condensation”. 

ANSWER: 1. Green Day sings “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”.

2. U2 sings “Vertigo”.

3. Bright Eyes sings “Poison”.

4. Blink 182 sings “Carousel”.

5. The Grateful Dead sings “Box of Rain”. 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Diophantus was a Greek mathematician who lived in the third century. He was one of the first mathematicians to use algebraic symbols.

Most of what is known about Diophantus’s life comes from an algebraic riddle from around the early sixth century. The riddle states:

Diophantus’s youth lasted one sixth of his life. He grew a beard after one twelfth more. After one seventh more of his life, he married. 5 years later, he and his wife had a son. The son lived exactly one half as long as his father, and Diophantus died four years after his son. 

How many years did Diophantus live?

 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, September 13, 2016.   

Punstories……

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, ‘I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.’  ‘But I paid a million dinars for it,’ the King protested.  ‘Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!’ Croesus replied, ‘When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.’ 

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tell’s bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, ‘Doctor! I think I’m shrinking.’ The doctor calmly responded, ‘Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.’

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800’s, Tate’s Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Since they already made watch cases, they used them to produce compasses, but the new compasses were so erratic that peopleoften ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ‘He who has a Tate is lost.’

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, ‘We have absolutely nothing to go on.’

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, ‘The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.’ 

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, ‘I must have taken Leif off my census.’

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. 

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal *brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, ‘Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?’

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

 “According to new research from the CDC, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana than their teenage kids. In other words, your mom finally made weed uncool like she did to Myspace.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone tomorrow, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. And this is convenient, the included ear buds will come ‘pre-lost.'” -Seth Meyers

“Last night they held a debate called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea.” -Stephen Colbert 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

 The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. 

“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.” 

Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?” 

“This is my mother.” Emoji 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? Who’s done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it’s harmless; why would they lie? If you’re dead, you can’t smoke.”

ANSWER:  Kingpin! Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) said this to Ishmael Boorg (Randy Quaid) when Ishmael was telling of the dangers of smoking. “They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs, it quickens the aging process.” Munson had a good point, and Ishmael gave up the preaching, at least for the moment.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Hey, wait a minute, man. Every time I do coke, you get on that ‘every-time-I-do-coke’ rap, man.”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher this:

PBLUESAISNUERSES

ANSWER: Mixing business with pleasure. PbLuEsAiSnUeRsEs 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you determine the nursery rhyme being stated below?

Once upon a time there was this ovum consisting of an envelope of albumen, jelly and membranes which decided to moor its entirety on a parapet. Then rather suddenly, and without notice, the ovular succumbed to the Brobdingnagian gravitational pull. The result was that the entire embodiment of the paramount’s yeomanry and herbivores were unequal to the task of assemblage.

 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Shinig_Trump

WELCOME to Tuesday, September 6, 2016.   

ENGLISH for TOURISTS….

Cocktail lounge, Norway: “LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”

On an Athi River highway: “TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”

In a City restaurant: “OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

Hotel, Japan: “YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.”

Taken from a menu, Poland: “SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.”

Supermarket, Hong Kong: “FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.”

From the “Soviet Weekly”: “THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.”

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: “IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.”

A laundry in Rome: “LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.” 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“The owner of an ice cream truck named Snow Cone Joe was arrested for allegedly stalking his rival truck, called Mr. Ding-a-Ling. It’s being called the saddest turf war ever.” -Conan O’Brien

“A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It’s actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed.” -Jimmy Kimmel 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

 A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”

“What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”

“A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.Emoji

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup.”

ANSWER: Caddyshack! Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield) said this after seeing a hat in the pro shop at Bushwood. When he stopped making fun of it, he turned around to see Judge Smails (Ted Knight) was already wearing one, to which Czervik quipped, “Oh, it looks good on you, though.” This quiz started with a memorable quote from “Caddyshack” and ended with one. I guess you might call it a tribute to one of the classic comedies of all time. Hope you enjoyed it.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Next to lunch and dinner, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What expression is hidden here?

Happiness: Sprinting and shouting “Lalalalalala!”

Sadness: Jogging quickly and screaming “Woo yay woo yay”

Elation: Bounding along cackling “Heeeeheeeeheeee” 

ANSWER:  Emotions are running wild

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

This is a quote by a very famous person. Can you decipher it? I won’t include capitals in the cipher. 

“oltsitemsienevfruodngania.” 

-ebjnmanirfnalkni

 
 
                      
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 30, 2016.  

What Profs Really Mean…..

This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only. = I like to get out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation = I’ll be fudging your grades.

This won’t be on the test. = Nap time!

Bring the text to class. = I don’t have a clue how to lecture–we’ll just kill time with group read-alongs.

Talk to the department secretary. = Get lost.

Talk to me in my office after class. = Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice. = I take questions directly from the study guide and 

have grad students do all my grading.

Don’t come in late during my lecture. = I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end. = Fruit-fly attention span

The final will be comprehensive. = I’ll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn’t fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. = This course is outside 

my specialty–I’ll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

There are two TAs available to help you. = I can’t be bothered.

This year I’ll be scaling the grades. = I just passed tenure review.

Let’s break up into quiet discussion groups. = I have a hangover.

Let’s have class outdoors today! = I had beans for lunch.

You won’t be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. = My contract wasn’t picked up.

Please note the last day to withdraw. = The midterm’s gonna suck.

he answer to number 4 is “b,” and just skip number 17. = I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading. = I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven’t had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. = The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus. = I’ll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction” — Mae West

“A man in love is like a clipped coupon — it’s time to cash in” — Mae West

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” — Mae West

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” — Yogi Berra

“There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s 

advances as long as they are in cash” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” — Earl Wilson  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”Emoji 

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”  

ANSWER: A Christmas Story! This was said by the narrator when Ralphie (Peter Billingsley), his younger brother Randy (Ian Petrella), and their friends were being accosted by the bully Scott Farkus (Zack Ward), and his toadie Grover Dill (Yano Anaya). Randy fell to the ground and remained still, so as not to attract the attention of the kid with the yellow eyes and the kid whose lip curled over his green teeth. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Fruit of me loins!? I haven’t got fruit in me loins. Lice, yes – and proud of ’em – but no fruit.”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What saying is shown below?

Fair ice cream

Impartial pudding

Honorable jelly

Righteous cake 

ANSWER:  Just desserts. The adjectives for each of the desserts listed are all synonyms for “just”. 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Yup, he’s back with more!!! Oxy, after finding that his first teaser had such great success, decided to find some more oxymorons and come up with another brain teaser!

Now, your task is the same as last time:

Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?

Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy

1) discovered lost

2) bigger part

3) sugary sour

4) sad humor

5) solitary in company

 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 23, 2016.    

Our Favorite Hashtags on Dating..   

#GeekPickupLines: My name’s 
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?  

#RobotPickupLines: “You had me 
at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.” 

#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!” 

#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone

Professors Define a Kiss….   

In math: Two divided by nothing.

In physics: The contraction of 
the mouth due to the expansion 
of the heart.

In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the 
supply.

In dentistry: It’s infectious and 
antiseptic.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Scientists have found a new link between high blood sugar and dementia. Which explains Cinnabon’s new slogan, ‘The last bite you’ll remember.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. Let me save you some time. They’re not.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken was, ‘Me look fat in this?'” -Jimmy Fallon  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.

“A phone book?” asked her friend.

“You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.”

“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”Emoji  

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “All you boys have seemed to learn is that Caesar is a ‘salad dressing dude’.”

ANSWER: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure! This was said by the history teacher, Mr. Ryan (Bernie Casey), just before he threatened to flunk both Bill and Ted. But with the help of Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and So-Crates, the boys did quite well. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR LUBRICANT!”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The items in each group are related to each other. Try to figure out the noun or adjective that is common to all the items in the group.

Group A

A person

A clock

A cliff

Group B

A dress

A ship

An aircraft

Group C

A feather

A torch

A low calorie beer 

ANSWER:  Group A- a face,  Group B- trim,  Group C- light 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What do the following sentences have in common?

Tracy, no panic in a pony cart!

But not now a wonton tub!

Marge let a moody baby doom a telegram.

 
 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 16, 2016.  

More Pondering……. 

Why does Hawaiian pizza also contain Canadian bacon?

Grape Nuts cereal. No grapes – no nuts. Huh?

What’s the difference between regular ketchup and fancy ketchup?

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

If you use Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread, do you have to use Heavenly Ham?

Is there ever a day that mattresses aren’t on sale?

They make bulletproof vests, why not bulletproof pants?

Why are oriental rug stores always going out of business?

Is there any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

If it only takes one match to start a forest fire, why on earth does it take me a whole box of matches and a can of lighter fluid to light my grill?

When they ship those styrofoam peanuts, what do they pack them in?

How do you know when pickles or sour cream has gone bad?

How does one know when their bagpipes need tuning?

Allstate Insurance has a disclaimer that reads: ‘not available in all states’. What?

If Donkey Kong’s main character is a monkey, why isn’t it called Monkey Kong?

Why does the word lisp have an “s” in it?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“For a lot of children, the party known as summer is over today. Don’t worry, kids. School will end eventually and then you’ll get to go to a different kind of school called work, and it only ends when you get old and die.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to President Obama who just turned 55! He made a wish and blew out the candles, but then when he opened his eyes, he was still president.” -Seth Meyers  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?” 

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician. 

“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!” 

“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.” 

“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.” 

“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?” 

“Who has that kind of money?” 

“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?” 

“I can give you fifty,” says the man. “Take it or leave it.” 

“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?” 

“Listen, Doctor,” says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!”Emoji

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Because I want… to. I’ve wanted to ever since I saw you that day in the elevator. I know you don’t believe me, but I can prove it to you. You can’t believe what you see. But you can believe… what you feel. I’ve been thinking about you all day.” 

ANSWER:  Bound! Violet (Jennifer Tilly) starts to seduce Corky (Gina Gershon), so she can eventually talk her into helping her escape her mob marriage. I thought Gershon was incredible in this film

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  ‘You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Below are five movie titles. However, they have been rephrased, and it is your job to figure them out.

Note: The capitalization in the following phrases is the same as it would be in the actual title. Good Luck!

1. Realm of the Land of angels and saints

2. The Ruler over the Hoops and circlets

3. Dignity and Bias

4. Vacation in Italy’s capital

5. Artist and scientist Leonardo’s Cipher 

ANSWER:  1. Kingdom of Heaven,  2. The Lord of the Rings,  3. Pride and Prejudice,  4. Roman Holiday 5. The Da Vinci Code 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What do these words have in common?

Full

Green

Halfway

Light

Tree

Ware

 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT WORK BANKS
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji                                                   
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.