Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, November 11, 2016.   

Here’s the story…… 
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

“Tomorrow we will elect either Biff from ‘Back to the Future’ or one of the robots from ‘Westworld.’ You will decide.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“This weekend, aides to Donald Trump have finally wrested away his Twitter account. What?! You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’re left with is a billionaire with anger issues.” -Stephen Colbert
“A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients’ symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, ‘I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have ‘Server Not Responding.'” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, “How are you this fine day?”
“I’m the Class of 2012, just graduated from Harvard and I just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me.”
“Congratulations,” said the driver reaching back to shake the young man’s hand. “I’m Mitch. Harvard Class of ’79.”

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  Uncle Nutzie: “Now it’s time for one of my favorite cartoons. It’s a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment in the futile persuit of a sadistic roadrunner, who mocks him and laughs at him as he is repeatedly crushed and maimed. I hope you enjoy it!” 

ANSWER: From “UHF” – 1989.

Weird Al Yankovic’s one and only movie.  

 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I have come here tonight to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What is this rebus?
QUE___ON

ANSWER: It’s out of the question. (The letters I T and S are out of the word “question”.)

 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….

A cork, say from a wine bottle, is held by a robotic clamp at the bottom of a bucket of water and released the moment the bucket is dropped off the side of a tall building. What will happen to the cork during the fall? Will it float to the top of the bucket normally, slower than normal, faster than normal, or not at all?  Assume that there is no air resistance to slow the bucket down.

           

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

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Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, October 27, 2016.     

15 More Epithets To Live By……
1. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
2. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
3. Believe in miracles.
4. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
5. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
6. Growing old beats the alternative: dying young.
7. Your children get only one childhood.
8. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
9. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
10. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
11. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
12. The best is yet to come.
13. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
14. Yield.
15. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

“Last Friday, Amazon, CNN, and Twitter were all down all over the United States. It’s a chilling day that will one day be known in history as ‘Productive Friday.'” -Conan O’Brien
“President Obama last week said that this year’s election is like Dante’s ‘Inferno.’ Well that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t turn into a disco inferno.” -Seth Meyers
“One of the big stories about the Cubs is the so-called ‘Curse of the Billy Goat,’ which occurred back in the ’40s when they turned a fan and his pet goat away because goats aren’t allowed in the ballpark. Or as hot dog vendors put it, ‘That’s what YOU think.'” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so…They have them aimed at themselves.” 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “My Lord, you look just like the pissboy!”
ANSWER: History of the World, Part I. Count de Money – sorry, Count de Monet (Harvey Korman) said this to King Louis XVI (Mel Brooks) when he noticed that the pissboy (also played by Mel Brooks) was a dead ringer for the King. King Louis responded by saying, “And you look like a bucket of [human waste]!” They decided to use the pissboy as a look-alike for the King because his life was in danger during the French Revolution. Brooks’ funniest movie, except maybe for “Blazing Saddles”. 
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “The pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Insert the word from group B into the empty spaces in group A.
1. Ta__ __ __ __ry
2. K__ __ __ __en
3. D__ __ __ __le
4. S__ __ __ __et
5. T__ __ __ __t
Group B
A. Herb
B. Itch
C. Able
D. Pest
E. Wind

ANSWER:  1. Tapestry (D) 2. Kitchen (B) 3. Dwindle (E) 4. Sherbet (A) 5. Tablet (C)

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What do all the words in this list have in common?
Lead
Sow
Bass
Wind
Tear
Object

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! INCREDIBLE BANKS! 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, September 22, 2016.   

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS: 

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. 

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. 

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. 

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. 

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. 

When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. 

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. 

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called ‘Sit With Us’ – or as bullies call it, ‘Victim Finder.'” -Seth Meyers 

“Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Target and never look back.” -Jimmy Fallon

“In Florida, a drunk half-naked woman crashed her car into a Waffle House. Just a reminder, once again Florida will likely determine who our next president is.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down. 

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, “Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?”

The young mother replied honestly, “The luggage, no; the children, yes.”Emoji  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’ll tell you what. We’ll tell Fred that you were doing a great job taking care of his car. But you parked it out back last night, and in the morning it was gone. We report it to the police, D-Day takes care of the wreck, and your brother’s insurance company buys him a new car.”  

ANSWER: Animal House! Otter (Tim Matheson) said this to Flounder (Stephen Furst) after the guys took Flounder’s brother’s car on a “road trip” and put numerous dents in the vehicle. Flounder asked if this plan would work, and Otter responded by saying, “Hey, it’s gotta work better than the truth.” Bluto (John Belushi) then gave Flounder a six-pack along with the advice to “start drinking heavily”.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I can’t accept this; I don’t believe in guns. When my brothers and I would play Cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.” 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following ten words can be divided into two groups of five words. The words within each group will share a common characteristic. What are the two groups? Which words belong in those groups?

dam late lice linger per son stern tent under use  

ANSWER:  The two groups are: words that can be prefixed with “ma” to form a new word, words that can be prefixed with “pa” to form a new word.

Group 1: dam, lice, linger, son, under (madam, malice, malinger, mason, maunder)

Group 2: late, per, stern, tent, use (palate, paper, pastern, patent, pause)

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Each of the sentences below use two words which are synonyms of each other, but here in these sentences, they are not used with the same meaning. Can you find the words ?
 
1. He could not _____ out the _____ which would complete the series in the math teaser.
 
2. A _____ of her long hair was dangerously _____ to the fireplace.
 
3. Alas, we could not pay our respects to the _____ Mr. Bigsby. We were _____ by traffic.
 
4. _____ you open that ____ of beans, please ?
 
5. Life was a _____, after all, for 20 years all he had done was _____ for the oil company.
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, September 21, 2016.  

Things in Life I Learned from a Jigsaw Puzzle….

1. Don’t force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally. 

2. When things aren’t going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return. 

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration. 

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece. 

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4). 

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. 

7. Variety is the spice of life. It’s the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting. 

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun. 

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order. 

10. Don’t be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising. 

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones). 

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can’t be rushed. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Money can’t buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. –Spike Milligan 

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” –Eric Hoffer 

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” –Milton Berle   

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasn’t too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it’d never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong’s Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he’d probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong’s again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong’s to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. “No charge,” said Wong, “but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.” Emoji  

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  Man: “You know, blackjack is the only game where a good player has a mathematical advantage over the house.” Woman: “Really? Are you a professional?”  Man: “No. Are you?”  

ANSWER: Vegas Vacation! Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) said this to a pretty woman at the blackjack table, in a failed attempt to impress her. As predictable, the woman got very insulted and walked away. The blackjack dealer (Wallace Shawn) gave Clark a mean look and proceeded to drain him of 300 dollars in fifteen minutes. To put it mildly, Clark did not have a winning time in Vegas. Mr. Poppagiorgio did, however.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’ll tell you what. We’ll tell Fred that you were doing a great job taking care of his car. But you parked it out back last night, and in the morning it was gone. We report it to the police, D-Day takes care of the wreck, and your brother’s insurance company buys him a new car.”

 

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Diophantus was a Greek mathematician who lived in the third century. He was one of the first mathematicians to use algebraic symbols.

Most of what is known about Diophantus’s life comes from an algebraic riddle from around the early sixth century. The riddle states:

Diophantus’s youth lasted one sixth of his life. He grew a beard after one twelfth more. After one seventh more of his life, he married. 5 years later, he and his wife had a son. The son lived exactly one half as long as his father, and Diophantus died four years after his son. 

How many years did Diophantus live?  

ANSWER:  The riddle, the “facts” of which may or may not be true, results in the following equation:

x/6 + x/12 + x/7 + 5 + x/2 + 4 = x

where x is Diophantus’s age at the time of his death.

Therefore, Diophantus lived exactly 84 years.

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following ten words can be divided into two groups of five words. The words within each group will share a common characteristic. What are the two groups? Which words belong in those groups?

dam late lice linger per son stern tent under use

 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, September 8, 2016.    

Marriage Notions Worth Remembering…

The matrimonial pollsters contend their studies indicate the man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn’t do that thing. Husbands who exercise the rituals of affection tend to be more painstaking, more stable, more methodical, thus higher earners, it’s believed.

The heart is the most common symbol of romantic love. Ancient cultures believed the human soul lived in the heart. Others thought it to be the source of emotion and intelligence. Some believed the heart embodied a man’s truth, strength and nobility. The heart may be associated with love because the ancient Greeks believed it was the target of Eros, known as Cupid to the Romans. Anyone shot in the heart by one of Cupid’s arrows would fall hopelessly in love. Because the heart is so closely linked to love, it’s red color is thought to be the most romantic.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup,Whenever you’re wrong admit it; Whenever you’re right shut up. – Ogden Nash.

Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done.  

Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got married.

The alleged most commonly used words of endearment: Honey (48%), Baby (44%), Sweetheart (41%), Dear (39%), Lover (32%), Darling (31%), Sugar (24%), Angel (20%), Pumpkin (13%), Beautiful (6%).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one — Rita Rudner

“I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones

“More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson

“I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” — Mr. T

“It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” — Kin Hubbard

“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J Paul Getty

“When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” — Fern Naito

“We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” — Keith Davis

From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash — Sophie Tucker 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang.’ Reverse charges call from Jackie, ‘said the operator.’ Will you accept the charges?’

I couldn’t think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the ‘phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. ‘Hi, Margaret, it’s Jackie’, said a familiar voice, ‘your mother-in-law.’Emoji 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “This is the year that Finklestein beats ‘The Stomach’!”

ANSWER: Meatballs! Tripper Harrison (Bill Murray) said this when he was helping Larry Finklestein (Keith Knight) train for the all-important hot dog eating event, which would take place during the Olympics between Camp North Star and Camp Mohawk. “Mmm, just look at all those steamin’ weenies.” ‘Fink’ went on to beat ‘The Stomach’ for the first time ever. “Meatballs” is a true classic.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Why do things like this always happen to me? What kind of host invites you over for the weekend and dies on you?”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you unscramble the movies in Part 1 and match them with who the star was in Part 2? And your answer is?

Part 1

1. IILLONM LLOARD BBYA

2. A AUITEBUFL NMDI

3. AAIRCNEM YBTUEA

4. RRFTSOE MGPU

5. NRIA NMA

6. ETH NSITG

7. IIMDGNTH OOCYBW 

Part 2

1. Dustin Hoffman.

2. Jon Voight.

3. Kevin Spacey.

4. Clint Eastwood.

5. Paul Newman.

6. Tom Hanks.

7. Russell Crowe. 

ANSWER:   1. Million Dollar Baby: Clint Eastwood.

2. A Beautiful Mind: Russell Crowe.

3. American Beauty: Kevin Spacey.

4. Forrest Gump: Tom Hanks.

5. Rain Man: Dustin Hoffman.

6. The Sting: Paul Newman.

7. Midnight Cowboy: Jon Voight.

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Complete the words below using three consecutive letters in alphabetical order, e.g. _ _ A _ U S; add A B and C it would become ABACUS.

1. C O _ _ E _,

2. _ _ _ O R M,

3. S O _ E _ _,

4. _ U _ G _ L,

5. S _ O _ _ Y,

6. _ O B U _ _.

 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, September 5, 2016.  

End of Summer Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Center…..

Note that due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 5 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Supermarket Without Stopping? – Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials, Be Quiet During the Program and Not Talk during the last 5 minutes of a movie! Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined

Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.  

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“The CEO of Wendy’s says the election is hurting the chain’s burger sales – people are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let’s be honest, if you’re eating a Wendy’s Baconator, you’re probably not too concerned about the future.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don’t do it because you can’t afford the pen anymore.” -Stephen Colbert 

“It was reported this week that scientists from the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence or SETI have detected a signal from a distant star, and they think it could be proof of alien life. Scientists say this could be the sign of a highly advanced alien civilization. While the aliens say, ‘We attack at dawn.'” -James Corden  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.” 

My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?”Emoji 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Look at him. He’s like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He’ll kill me the first chance he gets.” 

ANSWER:  Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me! This was said by Scott Evil (Seth Green) when he met Mini-Me (Verne Troyer). Mini-Me did not like Scott right from the start. In fact, Mini-Me tried to press the “Scott Evil” button and destroy him instantly, but he was denied. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup.”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Hiding within, there can be 28

More or less builds the pearly gate

Holes inside, filled with gold

Silver bridges can these guys hold

Strong and sturdy are these chaps

Clean them up, or else silver caps

What are they? 

ANSWER: Teeth

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What expression is hidden here?

Happiness: Sprinting and shouting “Lalalalalala!”

Sadness: Jogging quickly and screaming “Woo yay woo yay”

Elation: Bounding along cackling “Heeeeheeeeheeee”

 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji                                       
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 31, 2016.    

LIFE PONDERING…….

Why aren’t marbles made of marble? 

What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? 

What is a picture of a thousand words really worth? 

What do you use to clean a soap stain? 

How do you throw out a recycling bin?

What was Captain Hook’s name before he got the hook? 

Why can’t you put garbage in a garbage disposal? 

Why does Bugs Bunny walk around naked, but put on a bathing suit when he goes swimming? 

Why do some dangerous products say, “If swallowed, do not induce vomiting”? Wait, what? We’re just supposed keep it inside?

Is it possible to plan ahead in order to be spontaneous? 

Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks? 

What did they call antiques back in the old days? 

If you have a bad memory, does that mean you also have a clear conscience?

What would you get if you mated a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu? (think about it) Emoji

Why does night fall while day breaks? 

If someone at the Better Business Bureau cheats you, where do you file a complaint? 

Why doesn’t the glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

Is it possible to be un-thirsty?

How come no one eats the last bite of food on the appetizer plate? 

Why do manufacturer’s plastic bags state, “Warning: this is not a toy”? Do they think we’re going to make balloon animals out of them? 

Why does the phone and/or doorbell ring the moment you sit down in front of the television with a plate full of food?

Why do most customer service messages state, “This call may be recorded for quality purposes” but the quality never improves? 

How can you prove there are actually two scoops of raisins in Raisin Brand Cereal? 

Why do they call it a hot water heater? If the water was already hot, it wouldn’t need a heater. 

Why are oriental rug stores always having “going out of business” sales, but they never seem to close?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin

“Hobbies cost money but interests are free” — George Carlin

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

“Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer” — Ogden Nash

“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery” — Beverly Johnson

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle

“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale’s Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, 

“Well, sonny, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.”

The owner replies, “Well, let’s see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?”

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, “I want this color sonny.”

To which Nathan replies, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?”

“No son, I want this color.”

“But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”Emoji 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Fruit of me loins!? I haven’t got fruit in me loins. Lice, yes – and proud of ’em – but no fruit.”

ANSWER: Yellow Beard! Yellowbeard (Graham Chapman) said this after he returned from prison to find he had a son. His wife told him, ‘He’s the fruit of your loins, dear’. “Yellowbeard” (1983) is one the funniest movies ever written. This movie stars several of the Monty Python cast (including John Cleese as Blind Pew), and also Cheech & Chong, Dudley Moore & Peter Cook, Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle and Marty Feldman. Arrrr! 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Take off those glasses. They’re not regulation, and they make you stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Yup, he’s back with more!!! Oxy, after finding that his first teaser had such great success, decided to find some more oxymorons and come up with another brain teaser!

Now, your task is the same as last time:

Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?

Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy

1) discovered lost

2) bigger part

3) sugary sour

4) sad humor

5) solitary in company 

ANSWER: 1) found missing, 2) larger half, 3) sweet tart, 4) tragic comedy, 5) alone together  

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you figure out the logic I used to decide the order of the following words: 

gun, shoe, spree, door, hive, kicks, heaven, gate, line, den

 
 
 
 
QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 
GREAT JOB BANKS! (5 DAYS IN ROW) EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.