Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

10665708_10152436391396314_4843349693215226249_n

WELCOME to Monday, October 26, 2015.   

Today’s Pondering…… 

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Why do they report power outages on TV? 

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11? 

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything I’ve been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna’s baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday and whatever you do,  

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“This week was Earth Science week. It’s the week you have to celebrate if you aren’t smart enough for bio or chemistry week.” -Seth Meyers 

“New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the ‘American Dream.’ That’s when you know things are bad – when even the American DREAM is made in China.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is ‘password.'” –Conan O’Brien  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before. 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “There isn’t any magic.”  

Answer: Martin! Not really one of my favorites, but it was so quirky, I had to mention it. Martin says this to his uncle who is convinced he is a real, Dracula-type vampire, but Martin knows he is just a sick kid who likes to drink blood.   

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I want no quarrel with him.” “No, no, it’s already begun!”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I have two arms and a back,

Supported by four legs.

But there is something I do lack,

Actually, I have no eyes to see.

I also cannot move around,

Or at least, not on my own.

Unfortunately I can make no sound,

Except perhaps a squeak.

If you chop off my head,

You are left with a hair.

If you chop off my tail,

Only tea is left there.

One more clue I will add,

Is that you often use me.

Yet you barely ever notice,

In fact I’d much rather be a tree. 

What am I?  

ANSWER: A Chair. If you chop off the first letter, you are left with “hair”.  

If you chop off the last letter, you are left with “chai”. 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The blanks in the following sentences will be filled in with three different homonyms (words that are spelled differently but sound alike) to make valid sentences. The dashes indicate the number of letters in the words. Can you fill in the blanks?

1. The cut on his _ _ _ _ won’t _ _ _ _ in time for the race, so _ _ ‘_ _ have to drop out.

2. The man was so upset about being _ _ _ _ that he regularly _ _ _ _ _ _ himself up on the bed and _ _ _ _ _ _ his eyes out.

3. I couldn’t _ _ _ _ _ any of the _ _ _ _ _ _ in the flower shop, because for some strange reason I had 50 _ _ _ _ _ crammed up my nose.

4. A bloodthirsty pirate will wander the _ _ _ _ and essentially _ _ _ _ _ everything he _ _ _ _.         

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

Advertisements

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

desktop-1406690691

WELCOME to Friday, October 2, 2015.   

Pondering………. 

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we’re already there? 

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 

If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

 

QUOTES FOR THE WEEKEND….     

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. Mark Twain

If people knew how hard I worked at my art, they would not consider me a genius. Michelangelo

Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration. Thomas Edison

Always do right — this will gratify some and astonish the rest. Mark Twain

Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way . . . you become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions. Aristotle

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas Edison

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss.”

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money”, he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man’s bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss’ account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss’ house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish, you should choose carefully”, and so the man replied… “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”   

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Are you trying to get a rise out of me, Inspector?’ 

Answer:  The Usual Suspects! One of the lesser-known lines spoken by Kevin Spacey in this film. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I just love to watch him go.’ 

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Four legs have I, a sturdy fellow

A fuzzy back that isn’t yellow

But (often) green or (rarely) red

A den is where I make my bed

My keepers feed me coloured balls

With sticks they store on my den walls

Sometimes I store them in my pouch

Sometimes deep in my belly; ouch! 

That’s when you’ll see me acting strange

Instead of balls, I’ll eat your change

And that’s my cue to feed again

Chalk it up to hunger, friend!  

ANSWER: A billiard (pool) table. They have four sturdy legs and a green, fuzzy playing surface (snooker tables are sometimes red). Privately owned tables are often kept in the den (family room), and the cues are usually stored in a wall rack. Private tables simply have pouches beneath the pockets to catch the balls; coin-operated tables store the balls inside the table. To play again, you need to insert more coins. Note the use of “cue” and “chalk”; two essential billiard elements!  

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

For each of the pairs of words below, insert a word in the blank space between them to form two separate words such that the inserted word finishes the first word and begins the second. For example, given “MAN ____ ON”, you would insert the word “GO” to form “MANGO” and “GOON”. The hint gives the number of letters in each of the words that must be inserted. 

BOW ____ AGE

GENE ____ KING

LAND ____ GOAT

DIG ____ SELF

PAR ____ ATE

 

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE SOLVING WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji Emoji

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

 

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.GodLovesPraise.com.