WELCOME to Thursday, October 22, 2015.
One liners for the day………
1. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
2. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when
you see one tumble down the stairs.
5. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
6. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
8. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
9. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
10. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
11. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
12. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
13. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
14. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
15. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Check out: These drawings tell us a lot about children’s attitudes to technology
16. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
18. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
19. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
20. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
21. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
22. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
23. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Starbucks is adding a new feature to their drive-through locations, video screens. So that way you can see the person misspell your name on the cup while it’s happening.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new survey, fewer than 2 percent of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. Said liberal arts graduates, ‘Latte for Karen.'” -Seth Meyers
“Mayor Bill de Blasio signed a bill last week that requires stores here in New York City to keep their doors closed when their air conditioning is on. So apparently Bill de Blasio is not only our Mayor, he’s also our dad. ‘I’m not paying to cool off the whole world! SHUT THAT DOOR!'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You know, all you do is give attitude lately. Been watching too much ‘Dynasty’, bud?”
Answer: The Lost Boys! Sam says this to Michael and gets a nice middle finger as a response.
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You haven’t been feeding her.”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
I am a world-renowned “symbol”. In the English language, if I’m added to a noun, it turns to an adjective (in most cases). If you put horizontal lines through me, I become a currency, but it is not used in many countries. In Spanish, I am a “symbol”, but also I am a word. I am used to connect words and phrases. If you watch your School House Rock, I go along with a junction. What am I?
ANSWER: I am Y.
When Y is added to a noun, it often makes it an adjective; i.e. Hair+y=hairy, Smell+y=Smelly, etc.
When you put two horizontals line through a Y, it makes the Yen symbol, found in Japan.
In the Spanish language, Y is the translation for “and”, which is a conjunction. If you watch School House Rock, they do a whole skit on Conjunction Junction.
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Each of the following sentences has three missing words. The first missing word of each sentence is 6 letters long, the second missing word is 5 letters long, and the third missing word is 4 letters long. All the 6 letter words are anagrams of each other, as are all the 5 letter words, and all the 4 letter words. Can you fill in the blanks?
1) Nobody would ______ to the old pirate any more, because his _____ were far too ____.
2) The fans were ______ as the opposition managed to _____ the game from the home ____.
3) When he decided to ______, he did not expect _____ bread with his ____ every meal.
4) On many of the lake’s ______ in the Spring, _____ will be out looking for a ____.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/