Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, September 9, 2016.  

Really?

1.  Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

2.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

3.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

4.  A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A    beer please, and one for the road.’

5.  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.Emoji

6.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

7.  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

8.  Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

9.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

10. A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.

11. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing’ The Green, Green Grass of Home’.  ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ Is it common? ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual’.Emoji

12. The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

15. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.” Daisy says to Ermentrude, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ I don’t believe you’, says Ermentrude. ‘It’s true, no bull!’ exclaims Daisy. 

16. ‘Deja Moo’: The feeling that You’ve heard this bull before.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES…. 

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time — Steven Wright

“His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.” — Mark Twain

“Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” — H.L. Mencken

“Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity” — Steven Zelin, the singing CPA to the tune of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”

“If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!” — John Andrew Holmes

“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” — Herman Wouk

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” —Mark Twain

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. 

‘You are all part of our team now’, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. ‘You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don’t eat any employees.’ The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, ‘You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?’ The cannibals all shook their heads. ‘No.’ After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, ‘Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?’ 

A hand rose hesitantly. ‘You fool!’ the leader raged. ‘For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something………….   

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Why do things like this always happen to me? What kind of host invites you over for the weekend and dies on you?”  

ANSWER: Weekend at Bernie’s! Larry Wilson (Andrew McCarthy) said this after they had discovered that Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser) was dead. Lomax had invited Larry and Richard (Jonathan Silverman) to his beach house for the weekend because he wanted them dead. In an ironic twist of fate, it was Bernie who was murdered. Hilarity ensues when the two friends try to pass Bernie off as a living, breathing, hard-partying dude. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Look, if I were joking, I would have said, ‘What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.'”

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Complete the words below using three consecutive letters in alphabetical order, e.g. _ _ A _ U S; add A B and C it would become ABACUS.

1. C O _ _ E _,

2. _ _ _ O R M,

3. S O _ E _ _,

4. _ U _ G _ L,

5. S _ O _ _ Y,

6. _ O B U _ _.  

ANSWER: 1. Corset, 2. Deform, 3. Solemn, Sorest, 4. Cudgel, 5. Snoopy, 6. Robust.   

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I have given you five (5) pairs of words. Fill in the blank below with a single letter to turn these pairs of words into synonyms.

EX: _TUMBLE and _RIP

Answer: STUMBLE and TRIP

1) _COLD and _HIDE

2) _AMBLE and _AGER

3) _EARNING and _RAVING

4) _ALLY and _CORE

5) _AVER and _ALTER

 
 
 
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

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Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

12039665_840057049425615_7807558247268304264_nWELCOME to Monday, January 11, 2016.     

Funny Rules of Life……

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t .
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, ‘How would the Lone Ranger handle this?’

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. Samuel Butler

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. Mark Twain

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. Ambrose Bierce

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it. W.C. Fields

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. James Baldwin 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Sally Winters wanted to earn some money so she applied for a post in a Florida lemon grove which seemed eminently suitable but Sally was concerned that she might be over qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss Winters,’ said Archie, the foreman, seriously ‘have you any actual experience in picking lemons?’ ‘Well, as a matter of fact, yes,’ came Sally’s reply and she added confidently, ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’ Emoji

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Welcome to the maxi pad.’  

Answer:  ‘Reality Bites’ All of Troy’s lines are so deep, yet not. Of course he didn’t say that line. I just could pick a favorite line of his from the movie. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.’

 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What do the following words have in common?

Assess

Banana

Dresser

Grammar

Potato

Revive

Uneven

Voodoo     

ANSWER:  If you take the first letter and move it to the rear of the word, you get the same word when read backwards.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What expression is represented here?

Run, Hit, Jump = Volume Level 9

Dictionary = Volume Level 2

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, December 7, 2015.   

Funny Thoughts for the Day…..

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. Norm Papernick

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a ‘Broker’?

Why isn’t there a mouse flavoured cat food?

Why do they call the airport ‘the terminal’ if flying is so safe?

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet. – Ancient Persian Saying

If people from Poland are called ‘Poles’, why aren’t people from Holland called ‘Holes?’

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone Ella Wheeler Wilcox Funny Thought of the Day

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be. – Don Quixote

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do,  

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“I personally am so excited about cyber Monday. I’ve been sleeping in a tent outside my computer since Friday.” -James Corden

“Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Last Monday was Cyber Monday, where Americans spent billions of dollars while shopping online. And next we’ll be celebrating What The Hell Is All This Wednesday?” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 30 years. “That’s a long time,” I observed.

“A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something just occurred to me.” 

“What’s that?” 

“If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I’d be out of jail by now.” Emoji  

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘You’re no messiah. You’re a movie of the week. You’re a t-shirt, at best.’ 

Answer: Se7en! Spacey delivers one of the most disturbing performances.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???‘Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies.’ 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) a circular depression & a part for a canine actor
2) a container for an alcoholic beverage & an insignificant insect
3) a container for a container & the bottom of a coffin

4) a cunning wolf relative & insect foot coverings  

ANSWER: 1) round hole & hound role

2) beer mug & mere bug

3) basket case & casket base

4) sly fox & fly socks 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

One day, Bob and Hannah were sitting out on their deck, sipping on some drinks. Bob ran into the house, got an empty two-liter bottle from the freezer and a quarter, and returned to the deck.

“I bet you money that this quarter will move with nobody touching it.”

Hannah thought this was a sure win, however, she lost. When Bob placed the quarter on the mouth of the bottle, the quarter began jumping on one side and making popping sounds.

How did Hannah lose?

 
    

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

  

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, December 1, 2015.  

Top 10 Funny Names..

Carrie Oakey – karaoke
Terry Bill
Barb Dwyer – barbed wire
Stan Still – stand still as in an Army Sergeant-Major: ‘Stand still you ‘orrible little man.’
Annette Kirton – a net curtain
Theresa Green or Brown
Justin Case
Norman Knight
Rick O’Shea – as in “ricochet” of a bullet
Seymour Legg – see more leg……………….
Ray Gunn
Priti Manek

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do,  don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken was, ‘Me look fat in this?'” -Jimmy Fallon 

“Cyber Monday is a day that every store online puts everything on sale. It’s basically Black Friday for people too lazy to put on pants.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. ‘is not a deadbeat nation.’ Then the president added, ‘By the way, if China calls, I’m not here.'” -Conan O’Brien  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, “Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset.” 

She wrote at the bottom of the page, “You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it’s time to learn the difference.” Emoji 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘You know there’s nothing to steal from my mom and Craig!’  

Answer: Bottle Rocket! Wes Anderson’s first movie. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘With friends like you, who needs friends?’

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Unscramble these four word jumbles and use the instructions given below them to form the name of a country which is a jumble of those letters.

1. KERWC. Take the 1st and 2nd letter.

2. LZEA. Take the 1st, 2nd and the 4th letter.

3. KURNT. Take the 1st and the 4th letter.

4. IASB. Take the 2nd and 3rd letter.

5. SUKD. Take the 1st and 3rd letter. 

ANSWER: 1. Wreck.  2. Zeal.  3. Trunk.  4. Bias.  5. Dusk.

The letters taken from the above words using the instructions form WRZELTNAIDS. Switzerland is the country which can be formed from the jumble. For much of the 20th century, Switzerland was the wealthiest country in Europe by a considerable margin. 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

I’m powerful enough to clean most anything,

Yet gentle enough to eat.

I’m used to make an explosion of sorts,

Yet can be found at millions of stores worldwide.

I can kill grass,

And even tenderize your meat.

I can clean up even the smelliest stench,

and soften your fabrics.

What am I?

 
 
                         

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT SOLVING BANKS! 

EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji            

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

  

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, October 27, 2015.   

Playing with a Funny Word or Two – The Illogical English Language

  • Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?
  • When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
  • Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • The city tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.
  • Chloe was too close to the door to close it.
  • Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.
  • Why do our noses run but our feet smell?
  • Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.

Funny Collective Nouns

  1. A sentence of judges
  2. A load of cobblers
  3. An expectation of midwives
  4. A conflagration of arsonists
  5. An illusion of magicians
  6. A horde of misers
  7. An exaggeration of fishermen
  8. A flush of plumbers
  9. A scoop of journalists
  10. A decanter of publicans

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday and whatever you do,  

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Tom Brady just did an interview where he called Coca-Cola ‘poison for kids’ and said he didn’t think Frosted Flakes is actually food. That story again: Do NOT go trick-or-treating at Tom Brady’s house! ‘Who wants some raisins and toothbrushes?!'” -Jimmy Fallon

“I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone unless they’re very funny.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah’s financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, ‘Oh, yeah!'” -Conan O’Brien  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife murmurs, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife, “talking to the wine.” 

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I want no quarrel with him.” “No, no, it’s already begun!” 

Answer:  Interview with the Vampire! Louis is speaking to Armand of Santiago.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Psychos don’t explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t care how crazy they are!”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The blanks in the following sentences will be filled in with three different homonyms (words that are spelled differently but sound alike) to make valid sentences. The dashes indicate the number of letters in the words. Can you fill in the blanks?

1. The cut on his _ _ _ _ won’t _ _ _ _ in time for the race, so _ _ ‘_ _ have to drop out.

2. The man was so upset about being _ _ _ _ that he regularly _ _ _ _ _ _ himself up on the bed and _ _ _ _ _ _ his eyes out.

3. I couldn’t _ _ _ _ _ any of the _ _ _ _ _ _ in the flower shop, because for some strange reason I had 50 _ _ _ _ _ crammed up my nose.

4. A bloodthirsty pirate will wander the _ _ _ _ and essentially _ _ _ _ _ everything he _ _ _ _.  

ANSWER: 1. The cut on his HEEL won’t HEAL in time for the race, so HE’LL have to drop out.

2. The man was so upset about being BALD that he regularly BALLED himself up on the bed and BAWLED his eyes out.

3. I couldn’t SENSE any of the SCENTS in the flower shop, because for some strange reason I had 50 CENTS crammed up my nose.

4. A bloodthirsty pirate will wander the SEAS and essentially SEIZE everything he SEES. 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Recently, Snow White’s seven dwarfs met up with three of their friends and went to the cinema to see Bambi. From the clues below, can you determine the order in which they stood in the ticket queue? 

Grumpy was in front of Dopey. Stumpy was behind Sneezy and Doc. Doc was in front of Droopy and Happy. 

Sleepy was behind Stumpy, Smelly and Happy. 

Happy was in front of Sleepy, Smelly and Bashful. 

Bashful was behind Smelly, Droopy and Sleepy.

Sneezy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was in front of Grumpy, Stumpy and Sneezy. 

Dopey was in front of Droopy. 

Sleepy was in front of Grumpy and Bashful. 

Dopey was behind Sneezy, Doc and Sleepy. 

Stumpy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was behind Doc.

  

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 

 EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, July 22, 2015.    

Children’s Letters to God….

Kids are funny. And not just when they get foreign objects stuck in their noses. 

Check out these endearing letters to the Big Guy……

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t 

you just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, Went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him in anyway. Your Friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliott

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear God, My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. 

They are just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha

Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY     

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln 

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden 

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld 

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr 

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”

His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?” Emoji

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Quiz time: Got your glasses on?’ ‘What?’ ‘It means you don’t know who your friends are.”   

Answer: Swing Kids! Arvid says this after Thomas (Christian Bale), his friend turned Nazi, threatens him.  

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘You’re a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book! You’re a vampire, Michael. You wait till Mom finds out, buddy!’

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What emotion is an anagram of a homonym of an antonym of a homonym of an anagram of wolf? 

ANSWER: Fear.  The anagram of wolf is fowl. The homonym of fowl is foul. The antonym of foul is fair. The homonym of fair is fare. The anagram of fare is fear, which is the emotion.

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

If you throw me from the window,

I will leave a grieving wife.

Bring me back, but in the door, and

You’ll see someone giving life!

What am I?

 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, June 19, 2015.      

Funny and Strange things about the English language…..

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

When the stars are out, they are visible,

When the lights are out, they are invisible.

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

C’mon, let’s polish the Polish furniture.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

How can ‘A Slim Chance’ and ‘A Fat Chance’ be the same?

How can ‘You’re so cool’ and ‘You’re not so hot’ be different?

Why are ‘A Wise man’ and ‘A Wise guy’ opposites?

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

Boxing rings are square.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

The farm was used to produce produce.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.

If brother becomes Brethren, why doesn’t mother become Methren?

If tooth becomes teeth, why doesn’t booth become beeth?

If one goose becomes two geese, why doesn’t one moose becomae two meese?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

How come Writers write but Fingers don’t fing?

And Grocers don’t groce and Hammers don’t ham?

A hat in the plural doesn’t become hose.

And a cat in the plural doesn’t become cose.

A box in the plural becomes is boxes.

But an Ox in the plural never becomes oxes. (It becomes Oxen).

A lone mouse can transform into a whole set of mice,

But it’s impossible for a single house to become a whole block of hice. (It becomes houses).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. ~H.L. MenckenEmoji

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their 

payroll to test things. ~Alan Coren

I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror. ~Flann O’Brien

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.~Groucho Marx

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that 

there is a nice man who wishes she were not. ~H.L. Mencken

The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact. ~Stephen Sondheim

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy. 

Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol. 

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast. ~Compton Mackenzie 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say “moo.” Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, “Moo? What’s the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?” “Isn’t it obvious?” the bull replies. “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”  

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You got a lotta potential Kitt DeLuca!” 

Answer: Pretty Woman! Near the end of the movie Vivian is moving out of the apartment after she gets back from her stay at the Regent Beverly Wiltshire. She offers these words of encouragement to Kitt. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?”

   

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

There was a death on Treebark Ln. The victim was identified as Mark Oswalt, who recently was married. The police went to the crime scene and they reported the death as a suicide. 

Later that day, after the police left, a private detective, hired by the victim’s friend who thought it was a murder, searched the crime scene and found a note the police missed.

It read,

“4,3: 8,1:_: 9,1: 2,1: 7,4:_: 6,1:9,3:_: 9,1: 4,3: 3,3: 3,2: !”

The detective took out his cell phone and started dialing the police to tell them about his findings. Once the detective opened the phone to dial, he immediately screamed out, “I SOLVED IT!”

Who was the murderer and how did the detective find out?   

ANSWER: The note said, “It was my wife!”  The detective looked at the keypad on his phone and saw the letters next to the numbers. 
2,1 would be A
2,2 would be B
9,4 would be Z 
 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

Place the same pair of letters onto both sets of blanks to complete a common word. Each answer will have a different pair of letters.

1. F __ __ G __ __ N T

2. P A __ __ T __ __ G

3. __ __ C K L I __ __

4. B __ __ D S T __ __ D

5. __ __ A F __ __ T

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD ONCE AGAIN GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE JOB BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org