Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

mother_mouth

WELCOME to Monday, October 30, 2015.   

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present to the President.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocaine injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday and whatever you do,  

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“I miss the days when Halloween was a simple holiday about making ritual sacrifices to evil spirits to ensure a plentiful harvest.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“I love it when people dress up their dogs in Halloween costumes. But I don’t like it when I tell someone how cute their dog looks, and they’re like ‘Hey, that’s my child.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.” -Dwight Schrute, The Office 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” 

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. 

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. 

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way. 

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane. 

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night.”  

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “There are two guys carrying a coffin out there.”

Answer: Fright Night! While Amy is sitting on the bed waiting for Charley to come to her, he gets side-tracked by what looks like a coffin being carried into the house next door.

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “We’ve been forgiven.”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Use the syllables in the sylalist to complete the clues below. Each clue gives how many syllables the answer of it has. Can you complete every question?

Sylalist: al, ag, er, ful, ga, hope, ig, im, ine, ize, loo, rand, re, rus, sa, wal

1. Arctic marine mammal (2)

2. Eskimo Home (2)

3. Optimistic (2)

4. Understand Clearly (3)

5. Chore (2)

6. Suppose (3)

7. Long Narrative (2)   

ANSWER: 1. Walrus (wal rus)  2. Igloo (ig loo)  3. Hopeful (hope ful)  4. Realize (re al ize)  5. Errand (er rand)

6. Imagine (im ag ine)  7. Saga (sa ga)

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What is the meaning of this rebus?

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQUSTRVWXYZ

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

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Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, September 11, 2015.  

Idle Thoughts…….

Here are a few pithy thoughts to ponder, mull over and chew on (although not necessarily in that order). 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above average drivers.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. Helen Keller

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet. – Albert Schweitzer

Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul. Democritus

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts; therefore guard accordingly. Marcus Aurelius

People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest. George Matthew Allen

Happiness is not a goal, but a by-product. Eleanor Roosevelt

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities. Aldous Huxley  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner – first class all the way… The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned. 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, Chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and kill him, for ten.’ 

Answer: Jaws! Quint, the shark fisherman, to the people of Amity. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘We’ll use paper money for the jockey fee and expenses, but this will be for your entry money. We’ll use the gold sovereigns for luck.’

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Unscramble the words below and follow the instructions in parentheses.

1. REDE (Take the 3rd letter)

2. SAVEREB (Take the 4th letter)

3. HERSWS (Take the 5th letter)

4. OSINB (Take the 4th letter)

5. SOMEO (Take the 4th letter)

6. LETANPOE (Take the 5th letter)

Now unscramble the letters you got to find your answer.  

ANSWER: 1. DEER, E  2. BEAVERS, V  3. SHREWS, W  4. BISON, O  5. MOOSE, S  6. ANTELOPE, L

EVWOSL unscrambles to become WOLVES. Wolves have been known to hunt deer, beavers, shrews, bison, moose, and antelope, among other things. Although a pack of wolves generally likes bigger game like bison, a single wolf will eat smaller things like shrews. They will even eat earthworms and fruits if they must.   

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

On July 7th, I had a most unusual day. I woke up at exactly 7:07, stumbled to my refrigerator and had a 7up. I got dressed, went downstairs, and caught the number 7 bus to go to my office on 77th street. While sitting in my office on the 7th floor, it dawned on me how my day was going so I called my bookie and placed a $777 bet on the number 7 horse in the seventh race, whose name was Seventh Heaven, to win.

Do you know what happened?

  

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, April 28, 2015.    

Steven Wright………………… 
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
On the other hand… You have different fingers.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Women… Can’t live with ’em… Can’t shoot ’em.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
What do batteries run on?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one
time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down
then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it… Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “you have to put your two cents in?” Somebody’s making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Today is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, also known as No Work Gets Done Day. I wonder if anyone has ever been fired on ‘take your kid to work day.’ Just imagine, ‘Ron, will you and your daughter step into my office please?’ That would be a lesson about what it is like to work.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Anybody go to the Olive Garden? Every table at the Olive Garden now has a computer. It’s the perfect way for a family of four to ignore one another. And while you’re there on the Olive Garden computer, you can get on the Internet and look up a better restaurant.” Dave Letterman

“A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day.” -Seth Meyers  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking. 

“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'” 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘How am I supposed to get a chick in that?’

Answer: Basketball! Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s comedy masterpiece 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘WHAT ain’t no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in WHAT?’  

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

 
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
 
ANSWER: Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
 
Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….
The following clues lead to two words or phrases that are the phonetic reverse of each other. When you answer the first clue and flip the syllables, you get the second answer. (Phonetic only, not letters.)Using the clues below, please find the words/phrases in question.
Example: Impertinent * Teetertotter
Answer: Saucy/Seesaw
1. A clock or watch * Period between wars (2 words)
2. Fabulous * Chase after
3. Have faith in * Not disturb (2 words)
4. European weight, informally * Understated (Hyphenated)
5. Student, say, with a summer office job * Go to bed (2 words)
 
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  
  

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, April 27, 2015.  

I had almost forgotten…
Now that my four kids are officially adults or in my world, they can afford to buy their own underwear, I can honestly say that I had almost forgotten the joy that children bring into our lives.  Watching them play, enjoying life without any reservations, and no worries. Children would play forever if you let them and they would eat everything you eat as long as they see you eating it. They run like energizer batteries until they simply stop and quickly fall asleep.  The trick is to watch and be available and when they have had enough they will simply crawl into your arms and feel asleep.  I had my grandbaby Eliya this past week for a couple of days. I was blessed to be able to watch her sleep, to watch her wake up each morning, and feed her breakfast.  The trust in her eyes, the laughter in her voice and the happiness in her living brought joy to my heart each day! How big this world of ours must be to her.
I had almost forgotten the sound of running feet, the jumping around and the sheer pleasure of eating food and humming while enjoying every single bite.  My challenge was to try and keep up with her as she ran expecting me to chase her, jump with her when she jumped and fall down when she fell down. Sometimes when I fell down I try to lay there for a little while longer just to catch my breath.  Of course every muscle in my body ached after she left with her parents, but the joy in my heart will never fade as I add her activities to my memory of stories about her father and his siblings. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A new report shows that the typical tourist in Las Vegas is a 45-year-old married person from California. That explains the new motto – what happens in Vegas probably also happens in Fresno.” -Conan O’Brien

“A 120-pound Texas woman set a new competitive eating record yesterday after she ate three 72-ounce steaks, three baked potatoes, three shrimp cocktails, three salads, and three dinner rolls in 20 minutes. Or as they call it in Texas, a kids meal.” -Seth Meyers 

“Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.” -Jimmy Fallon

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”  “I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.” 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘Put the candle BACK!’

Answer: Young Frankenstein!  Best comedy ever. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  ‘How am I supposed to get a chick in that?’

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD FOR SOLVING FRIDAY’S DAILY TRIVIA! NICE WORK KIM! 

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Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Below are incomplete words. Place two letters in each bracket so that you can complete the word on the left and begin the word on the right. Good luck.  Perfu (–) rge  Barb (–) itor  Again (–) ain  Sta (–) sture  Giraf (–) deral  Featu (–) medy  
 
ANSWER:  Perfume – merge   Barbed – editor   Against – stain   Stage – gesture   Giraffe – federal   Feature – remedy
 
Monday’s  Quizzler is……….
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING FRIDAYS QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! 
GREAT WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  
  

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, April 23, 2015.   

Neologism – Alternate Meanings for Common Words…
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Cantankerous(n), able to drive a tank.
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Defenestration (n.), Uninstalling Windows 7 and then installing Linux.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Because I know because somebody out there is laughing! Have a great Thursday
people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A Wisconsin woman recently got a high school diploma at the age of 103 and says she is now considering going to college. Friends are recommending a two-year college.” -Conan O’Brien

“Ben & Jerry’s is working with a beer company to develop a ‘salted caramel brownie brown ale’ that will be sold later this summer. It’ll mark the first time you’ll actually feel great after finishing a second pint of Ben & Jerry’s. ” -Jimmy Fallon

“Teenagers across the country have been participating in the Kylie Jenner Lips Challenge, in which they place a jar around their lips and suck in air in order to make their lips swell. While teenagers in China have been participating in something called ‘school.'” -Seth Meyers 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

It will be a while before Jack and Jill head up that hill for a pail of water again.  

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘Dead or alive, you are coming with me.’

Answer: Robocop! Great action film from the 80s. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Good, bad, I’m the one with the gun.’ 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

 There are two groups of four-letter words used in the sentences below. The first missing words of each sentence are anagrams of each other, and the second missing words are also anagrams of each other. Can you find them?
 
1. The hunters set a ____ for the hare. How else were they to enjoy its succulent _____ ?
 
2. They all listened in ____ attention as their leader spoke and motivated them to work as a ____.
 
3. There will always be a small ____ of wildness in a cat, though it is considered to be a ____ animal today.
 
ANSWER: 1. The hunters set a TRAP for the hare. How else were they to enjoy its succulent MEAT ?
 
2. They all listened in RAPT attention as their leader spoke and motivated them to work as a TEAM.
 
3. There will always be a small PART of wildness in a cat, though it is considered to be a TAME animal today.
 
Group I – TRAP, RAPT, PART
Group II – MEAT, TEAM, TAME 
 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?
 
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  
 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, November 18, 2014.  

Witticisms…..

Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.

I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold’em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal flush and five people died.

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. 

I spilled ‘Spot’ remover on my dog.  Now he’s disappeared.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.

Don’t wish ill for your enemy, plan it. 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give-away.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and  

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Developers are working on a new app that gives you a 10-second warning before an earthquake. The app is called ‘Too Late.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Prince took his first selfie yesterday with an actual camera, because his publicist says he doesn’t own a cellphone. Or in other words, I guess he’s still partying like it’s 1999.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A tiger has been seen running around Paris. Citizens were told to stay indoors and do whatever’s necessary to protect the wine and cheese. They should leave home only to smoke and to judge others.” -Craig Ferguson

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Felix replied in astonishment. “People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”

“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?'”

Friday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? “Life’s not fair is it? You see, I…well I shall never be king. And you… shall never see the light of another day. Adieu!”

 

Answer: The Lion King! Scar, voiced by Jeremy Irons, speaks this line as he is about to eat the mouse which he caught at the beginning of the movie. Fortunately for the mouse, Zazu shows up and distracts Scar, causing him to drop the mouse. This movie, which came out in 1994, is one of the few animated films that has it all: a great dramatic story line, very funny and likeable characters and great songs throughout. 

 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from??? “Listen, I don’t want to be a sore loser, but when it’s done, if I’m dead, kill him.”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What same three letters fit into the following five combinations to form 5 words?

_ _ _ E F

F A _ _ _ C

D E _ _ _ S

H Y _ _ _ D

L U _ _ _ C A N T 

 

Answer:  BRI.  BRIEF  FABRIC  DEBRIS  HYBRID  LUBRICANT 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher the following common phrase?

L8AAAAPORVERYTANTD8

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

  

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, September 23, 2014.      

Groucho Marx Quotes…….

Room service?  Send up a larger room.

I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff.  If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

How do you feel about women’s rights?  I like either side of them.   

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

‘Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.’

‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’   

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  

Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. It’s always fun when people who can’t stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won’t have to see each other for a whole year. It’s like international Thanksgiving.” -Craig Ferguson

“Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth ‘Bourne Identity’ movie. It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing.” -Seth Meyers 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people’s hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.  By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, “How long, Lord? How long?”  Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. “Ma’am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you,” he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.  Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, “Praise the Lord!” and ran inside. 

 

Monday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘Why don’t you put her in charge?’

 

Answer: Aliens! Hudson (Bill Paxton) when complaining about Ripley using Newt as an example. 

 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘It doesn’t matter, I don’t like my job…and I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.’

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

I can be repeated,

But often not in the same way.

I can’t be changed,

But can be rewritten.

I can be forgotten,

And can also be lost with death.

My first is in horses,

But not in ponies.

My last is in pretty,

But not in beautiful.

What am I? 

 

Answer: History.

 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Find an anagram for each word in Group A. Each anagram will answer one of the clues in Group B.

Group A

1. Sharp

2. Snaky

3. Toner

4. Agree

5. Optic

6. Neigh

7. Rosin

Group B

1. Singing voice

2. Golf clubs

3. Subject 

4. Stringed instruments

5. Jointed device

6. Type of beaver

7. Americans overseas

 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!  SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji