Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 9, 2017.       
Really Bad Analogies…. 
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
She was sending me mixed signals like a dyslexic third-base coach.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
–Steven Wright
“Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.”
–Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“There is no such thing as ‘fun for the whole family.'”
–Jerry Seinfeld
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner – first class all the way… The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.
One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.
Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.😐
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“Sweet? Where do you get off? Where do you get sweet? I am dark and mysterious, and
I am PISSED OFF! I could be very dangerous to all of you! And you should know that about me… I am THE ENEMY!”
ANSWER: Almost Famous! William is in one of the many hotels that he stays at with the band, and is talking to the ‘bandaids’ who decided to tell him that he is a sweet boy.

Interesting little tid-bit about this movie, the lead singer from Red House Painters plays the bass guitar for the band Stillwater.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“How do we seem to you? Do you find us beautiful, magical? Our white skin, our fierce eyes? “Drink” you ask me, do you have any idea of the thing you will become?”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
There is a word in the English dictionary that has 3 double letters in a row.
What is it?
ANSWER: Bookkeeper!

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….    
I was on a road trip with a friend when we drove past a very tall radio tower. I told my friend “That thing has to be at least a thousand feet tall!” He looked out the window for a moment, and said “I’ll bet it’s closer to 1500 feet.” We stopped at a gas station and asked how tall the tower was, and it was exactly 1500 feet tall! Now that I owe my friend a steak dinner, how could he tell how tall the tower was?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙇🙇🙇🙇
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 8, 2017.      
PONDERING………..
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What exactly is a “whack”?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” and “no chance” mean the same thing?
Why do tug boats push ships?
Why do we sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, when we’re already there?
Why do we sit in the stands at the ballpark?
Why is it called “After Dark”, when it’s really “After Light”?
Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” completely different?
Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
Why is “phonics” spelled that way?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do we put a suit in a garment bag, and garments in a suitcase?
Why is abbreviate such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when there’s only one?
Why do we sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks at Christmas?
Why is it called rush hour when you don’t move?
Why isn’t there a speed of dark?
Why are animals made out of meat if we’re not meant to eat them?
Why is it that when you attempt to stop something from falling off the table, you manage to knock something else over?
Why aren’t there father-in-law jokes?
Why couldn’t the Professor on Gilligan’s Island fix a boat if he could make a radio out of coconuts?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
“Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something
called a ‘Hyperloop’ that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And, when you arrive in New York it drops you straight off at Macy’s so you can buy a clean pair of underwear.” -James Corden 
“A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool – the reception was open barf.” -Seth Meyers
“A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces.” -Conan O’Brien 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”😐😎
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“Blinkin! What are you doing up there?” “Guessing. I guess no one is coming.”
ANSWER: Robin Hood: Men In Tights! It’s a Mel Brooks movie, so of course it’s funny!
This was the part where the blind servant of Robin, Blinkin, was on the watch tower trying to be the look out.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“Sweet? Where do you get off? Where do you get sweet? I am dark and mysterious, and
I am PISSED OFF! I could be very dangerous to all of you! And you should know that about me… I am THE ENEMY!”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
I, Professor Picanumba, will amaze and astound you. Take a piece of paper and
write any word on it. Fold the paper in half twice, and put it on the floor.
Now stand on it. Believe it or not, I will now tell you what is on the paper.
ANSWER: Your foot is on the paper. (Look down if you don’t believe me.)
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….    
There is a word in the English dictionary that has 3 double letters in a row.
What is it?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, August 7, 2017.     
Favorite Police Emergency Calls: 
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn….
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
“A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having
the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open their lemonade stands
offshore on the Cayman Islands.” -James Corden
“According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day,
including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed? Who does she
think she is, herself?” -Seth Meyers
“A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes,
nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”😐

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 “Let me out, let me out, let me out!” “Let me in, let me in, let me in!”
ANSWER: The Lion King! A friend of mine said this quote not too long ago, and it took us forever to think of the movie that it was from. This was right after Timone and Pumba distracted the heyenas for Simba. Timon went running into the cave where Zazu was locked behind bones. Timon wanted in to the cage to hide, and Zazu wanted out of the cage to get away.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“Blinkin! What are you doing up there?” “Guessing. I guess no one is coming.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
Unscramble the words below, then take the letters from each word as instructed to form another word that is the answer to this teaser:
SENHA – Take letters 1 & 2
HSAET – Take letters 1 & 5
ZPIRE – Take letters 1 & 3
RYPA – Take letters 1 & 2
Unscramble the letters you collected… what do you get?
ANSWER: SENHA Take letters 1 & 2 – ASHEN – A & S   HSAET Take letters 1 & 5 – HASTE – H & E  ZPIRE Take letters 1 & 3 – PRIZE – P & I

RYPA Take letters 1 & 2 – PRAY – P & R
Unscramble the above to get ‘Sapphire’.  The sapphire is a beautiful gemstone that is
available in all the colors of the sky. Though primarily available in blue, it also comes in
different hues of the sky like pink, orange and purple associated with sunset.
Sapphire is mostly associated with sympathy and harmony.

Monday’s Quizzler is……….    
I, Professor Picanumba, will amaze and astound you. Take a piece of paper and
write any word on it. Fold the paper in half twice, and put it on the floor.
Now stand on it. Believe it or not, I will now tell you what is on the paper.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO RESIDENT PURE GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙌🙇🙌🙇🙌🙏
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Friday, August 4, 2017.  
Business one-liners…………..
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there isn’t a law, there will be.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.
If you are coasting, you’re going downhill.
If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
If you are worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Harry S. Truman
If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies. The DonaldT
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish. – Charles Caleb Colton
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. – Thomas Edison
Sweat is the cologne of accomplishment. – Heywood Hale Brown
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. – Ogden Nash
In politics, sincerity is everything. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made! – Groucho Marx
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. – Henry Boye
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
Infinity mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two beers and says, “Here, you guys work it out.” 😎

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“That Vazzini he can fuss.”
“Fuss, Fuss…I think he like to yell at us.”
“Probably he means no harm”
“He’s really very short on charm.”
“You have a great gift for rhyme.”
“Yes, yes, some of the time.”
“Enough of that!”
“Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?”
“If there are, we all be dead!”
“No more rhymes now, I mean it!”
“Anybody want a peanut?”
ANSWER: The Princess Bride! This has got to be one of the funniest parts of the movie.
This is where Vazzini, Inigo and Fezzik have just kidnapped Princess Buttercup and are sailing away.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 “Let me out, let me out, let me out!” “Let me in, let me in, let me in!”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….   
he
now re
ANSWER: He came out of nowhere😎
Friday’s Quizzler is……….    
Unscramble the words below, then take the letters from each word as instructed to form another word that is the answer to this teaser:
SENHA – Take letters 1 & 2
HSAET – Take letters 1 & 5
ZPIRE – Take letters 1 & 3
RYPA – Take letters 1 & 2
Unscramble the letters you collected… what do you get?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Thursday, August 3, 2017.    

10 Bungling Burglar Stories
Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, ‘Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.’
In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran……but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the him and called the police.
In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a “Seven-Eleven” robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn’t invent these funny occurrences.
A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
“You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint.” -James Corden
“A Georgia man is facing charges after he tried to enter a Waffle House completely naked. Ugh. Can you imagine? Walking into a Waffle House barefoot?” -Seth Meyers
“This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don’t always mean it when they say they’ll love each other forever. And that’s the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.
She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman’s side to see if she was all right.
“I’m fine,” she assured me, “but if that dog hadn’t honked…” 😐

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“Exercise makes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t.”
ANSWER: Legally Blonde! Starring Reese Witherspoon (Elle), Luke Wilson (Emmett), and Selma Blair (Vivian). Elle Woods says this referring to why an exercise instructor is not guilty of murder.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“That Vazzini he can fuss.”
“Fuss, Fuss…I think he like to yell at us.”
“Probably he means no harm”
“He’s really very short on charm.”
“You have a great gift for rhyme.”
“Yes, yes, some of the time.”
“Enough of that!”
“Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?”
“If there are, we all be dead!”
“No more rhymes now, I mean it!”
“Anybody want a peanut?”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   
Welcome to Crazy Cooking Catastrophes.
Today our host has decided to mix up an Antipasto Creature Feature…
Please follow these instructions carefully to unscramble [pun totally intended] the answer.
Cooking Tips:
Words like add, combine, stir in, sprinkle, garnish etc mean to add those letters to the mix. Words like remove, drain, none left over, give, etc. mean to remove those letters from the mix.
In a bowl, combine one cup of MARMALADE with one tablespoon of OIL.
Kick MAE out of the kitchen [she’s dangerous with a whisk] then whip until frothy.
What creature will be in the bowl?
ANSWER: Armadillo
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….    
he
now re
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 2, 2017.                                
DID U KNOW…..
As you age, your eye color gets lighter.
There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children
(some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).
The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.
The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.
There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being
than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was
host of “Lorne Greene’s Animal Kingdom”.
Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years.
A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.
In 1985, the most popular waist size for men’s pants was 32. In 2003, it’s 36.
Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.
In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.
Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.
A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.
Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were
implanted in Sheryl’s womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.
In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it’s 36C.
The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.
Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges,
and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.
We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.
Pain is measured in units of “dols”. The instrument used to measure pain is a “dolorimeter”.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy
The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. – Michael McShane
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer
and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. – Dave Barry
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: “My dad owns a liquor store.” – Mark Klein
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country?
Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts? – Jay Leno
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. – Brian Kiley
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license and has to take an eye test.
They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asks.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “I know that guy!”😎

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“So, what did you do in school today?” “Well, I broke in my purple clogs.”
ANSWER: Clueless! Starring Alicia Silverstone (Cher), Paul Rudd (Josh), and
Brittany Murphy (Tai). When her father asks about her day, this is Cher’s response.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“Exercise makes endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t.”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
I am the world’s greatest traveler. I have been transported by camel, dog sled, pony express, bicycle ,train, steamship, automobile/car, airplane, airship, and rocket. I have portraits of presidents, kings, queens, princes, princesses, shahs, sultans, tribal chiefs, adventurers, explorers, patriots, martyrs, inventors, pioneers, artists, musicians, architects, poets, aviators, dramatists, novelists, painters, athletes, cardinals, saints, and sinners.
I have pictures of foreign beaches, rivers, lakes, sounds, waterfalls, geysers, mountains, monuments, castles, temples and ruins of temples, missions, bridges, harbors, docks, locks, locomotives/trains, balloons, rockets, zeppelins, windjammers, native canoes, modern seaplanes, and the world.  What am I?
ANSWER: I am only a postage stamp.
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….    
Welcome to Crazy Cooking Catastrophes.
Today our host has decided to mix up an Antipasto Creature Feature…
Please follow these instructions carefully to unscramble [pun totally intended] the answer.
Cooking Tips:
Words like add, combine, stir in, sprinkle, garnish etc mean to add those letters to the mix.
Words like remove, drain, none left over, give, etc. mean to remove those letters from the mix.
In a bowl, combine one cup of MARMALADE with one tablespoon of OIL.
Kick MAE out of the kitchen [she’s dangerous with a whisk] then whip until frothy.
What creature will be in the bowl?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!🙇🙇🙇🙇🙌
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 1, 2017.                                
Mothers In History…..
Michelangelo’s Mother: Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
Paul Revere’s Mother: I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.
Mona Lisa’s Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?
George Washington’s Mother: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.
Mary’s Mother: I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.
Columbus’s Mother: I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written.
Napoleon’s Mother: All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.
Thomas Edison’s Mother: Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.
Abraham Lincoln’s Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
Albert Einstein’s Mother: But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?
An extra laugh for posterity: Jonah’s Mother: That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…“The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A company has created a line of non-alcoholic wines for cats containing catnip, water,
and organic beet juice for owners who want to drink with their pets. Said the cats,
“Yeah, I’d love to, but I actually have a thing tonight.'” -Seth Meyers
“A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza.
The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations.
One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”😐

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“One and two and three and four and Wat doesn’t lead he follows like a girl.”
ANSWER: A Knight’s Tale! Starring Heath Ledger (William), Paul Bettany (Chaucer), and
Alan Tudyk (Wat). When teaching William to dance, Chaucer says this to Wat, who is leading. 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“So, what did you do in school today?” “Well, I broke in my purple clogs.”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
Welcome to Crazy Cooking Catastrophes.
Today our host has decided to mix up an appetizer creature feature.
Please follow these instructions carefully to unscramble [pun totally intended] the answer.
Cooking Tips:
Words like add, combine, stir in, etc mean to add those letters to the mix.
Words like remove, drain, none left over, etc. mean to remove those letters from the mix.
If you combine a PEAR and sugar in a BOWL, then add in a BOAR and take a BOW:
What creature will be in your bowl?
ANSWER: Polar Bear
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….    
I am the world’s greatest traveler. I have been transported by camel, dog sled, pony express, bicycle ,train, steamship, automobile/car, airplane, airship, and rocket. I have portraits of presidents, kings, queens, princes, princesses, shahs, sultans, tribal chiefs, adventurers, explorers, patriots, martyrs, inventors, pioneers, artists, musicians, architects, poets, aviators, dramatists, novelists, painters, athletes, cardinals, saints, and sinners. I have pictures of foreign beaches, rivers, lakes, sounds, waterfalls, geysers, mountains, monuments, castles, temples and ruins of temples, missions, bridges, harbors, docks, locks, locomotives/trains, balloons, rockets, zeppelins, windjammers, native canoes, modern seaplanes, and the world.
What am I?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/