Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 13, 2017.                   
  
Really Bad Literature 101….
The confidence in his smile… that smile that pulled me in like ice cream melting down a cone.
With the broken sob of a candy mugged infant, Brett rolled across the bed into the recently vacated hollow – a depression created by the recently departed Maria.
Gerald began – but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them “permanently” meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash – to pee.
Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before.
As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.
Racing through space at unimaginable speeds, Capt. Dimwell could only imagine how fast his spaceship was going.
When Detective Riggs was called to investigate the theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate bound for market, he solved the case almost immediately, being that the trail of clues led straight to the trainmaster, who had both the locomotive and the Hopi tuna tea.
India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia, presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before.
It was high noon in the jungles of South India when I began to recognize that if we didn’t find water for our emus soon, it wouldn’t be long before we would be traveling by foot; and with the guerilla warriors fast on our heals, I was starting to regret my decision to use poultry for transportation.
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES…    
“At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered
into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the
happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles.” -James Corden
“A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat.
The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets.” -Conan O’Brien
“According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids.
Seating is limited, but usually available.” -Seth Meyers😁
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew
as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.
The way he tells it, the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”
Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”😎
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Do you take plastic?’ ‘Not unless it’s wrapped around a stack of cash.’
ANSWER: Doc Hollywood! The butcher says this when Michael J Fox tries to reclaim his pig. 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘Did you know that by mixing equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?’
Monday’s Quizzler is………. 
W+H+E+R+E
ROYGBIV
ANSWER: Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

sum where [over] the mnemonic device for the colors of the spectrum (the rainbow) 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
Each group of three definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing.
1a) to wriggle
1b) a member of the British gentry
1c) a small forcible stream of liquid
2a) this color is a blend of red and yellow darkened by black
2b) the top of the head
2c) to cover with water
3a) more recent
3b) rubbish
3c) a written communication
4a) very common color
4b) a high-pitched plaintive cry
4c) although
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙇🙇🙇🙇🙌😎🙇🙇😎🙌🙌🙌
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, June 12, 2017.                   
Thoughts from Dad….
Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once.
Keep a change of clothes at the office.
Never hit anyone unless they are an immediate threat.
Every hat should serve a purpose.
Never take her to the movies on the first date.
Learn to wet shave.
Nothing looks more badass than a well-tailored suit.
Shave with the grain on the first go-around.
Never pass up the chance to pee.
Always look people in the eye when you talk with them.
Buy a plunger before you need a plunger
Brush your teeth before you put on your tie.
A small amount of every paycheck should go directly into your savings account.
Call Mom and Dad every week.
Never wear a clip-on tie.
Give a firm handshake.
Compliment her shoes.
Never leave a pint unfinished.
If you aren’t confident, fake it. It will come around.
You can tell the size of a man by the size of things that bother him.
Be conscious of your body language.
Never point a gun at someone unless you intend to shoot them.
Always stand to shake someone’s hand.
Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose.
Ask more than you answer. Everybody loves to talk about themselves.
Go for women out of your league. You may end up surprised.
Manliness is not only being able to take care of yourself, but others as well.
Go with the decision that will end up making a good story.
When you walk, look straight ahead (not at your feet).
Nice guys don’t finish last – boring guys do.
Choose your battles. Not everything is worth fighting over.
Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it.
Don’t let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
No matter their job or status, everyone deserves your respect.
No matter how famous or popular they are, everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time.
The most important thing to learn is personal responsibility. Bad things happen; it’s your job to overcome them.
The first one to get angry loses.
A man does what needs to be done without complaining.
Never stop learning.
Always go out in public dressed like you’re about to meet the love of your life.
Don’t change yourself just to make someone happy.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
Luck favors the prepared.
Women find confidence sexy as hell.
Do whatever you want to do, but be the best at it.
No one is on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time at work.
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES…    
“Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house
on their way home from work. Not only that – they’ll also deliver the items in a Target
bag so your neighbors think youre classy.” -Jimmy Fallon
“According to The New York Times, one of the biggest doping scandals in the history of
track and field is coming to light. It involves Russian athletes in the sport of racewalking
– or as it’s known to the billions of people who do it every day, ‘hurrying up.'” -James Corden
“A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing
through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an
annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of
the leg is $5,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.
The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Miss Scarlet in the broom closet with the radio.   
ANSWER: Sleepless In Seattle! Annie’s fiance says this when he catches Annie
hiding in the closet listening to the radio show that featured Sam Baldwin. 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘Do you take plastic?’ ‘Not unless it’s wrapped around a stack of cash.’
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
I am periodically the number 79. Long ago some attempted to make me from 29,
but learned it couldn’t be done. If you add me to 80 I appear to be 47 temporarily.
What am I?
ANSWER: Gold. Gold is represented by the number 79 on the Periodic table of elements.
Long ago alchemists tried to make gold from copper.(number 29) If you add
gold to mercury (number 80) it will appear to be silver for a time.
 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
W+H+E+R+E
ROYGBIV
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙇🙇🙇🙇🙌😎🙇🙇😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Friday, June 9, 2017.                  
Men vs. Women: How to Change Oil 101….
WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Valvoline Instant Oil Change when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee while they change the oil.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Cost: $29.99 oil change, $2.00 coffee. Total $32.00
MEN: 
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store. Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
(don’t forget a little tree air freshener). Write a check to the auto parts store for approximately $50.
2. Stop by 7/11 on the way home, buy a case of beer. Write a check for $20.00.
3. Drive home with oil and beer.
4. Open beer, enjoy it.
5. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands.
6. Find the jack stands (finally) under the kid’s pedal car, jack the car up.
7. Open another beer, drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16″ box end wrench for drain plug
10. Give up looking ten minutes later, find crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil onto your hands and face in the process. Cuss and swear.
13. Crawl out from under car, wipe hot oil from hands and face. Throw some kitty litter on the spilled oil.
14. Open another beer while watching the last drops of oil drain.
15. Spend 30 minutes looking for the oil filter wrench.
16. Give up looking for oil filter wrench, crawl under car and hammer a flat-head screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it off.
17. Crawl out from under car, splashing hot oil everywhere from newly made holes in oil filter.
18. Cleverly hide used oil filter in trash to avoid those pesky environmental penalties. Open another beer.
19. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket.
20. Pour the first quart of new oil into engine.
21. Oops! Now remember the drain plug (removed in step 11). It’s still swimming in the now-warm oil in the drain pan.
22. Throw more kitty litter on the quart-sized oil puddle on the floor.
23. Open another beer and drink it.
24. Find drain plug with a minimum of spillage, hand-tighten in drain plug socket. Drink beer.
25. Crawl under car (getting oily kitty litter embedded in neck and arms). Tighten drain plug with crescent wrench,
but this time, it’s slippery. Bang your knuckles on the frame while tightening drain plug.
26. Throw crescent wrench across the garage in anger. Throw a fit because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy (which wife wouldn’t let stay in the house).
27. Open another beer and drink it.
28. Clean hands, bandaging where needed to stop blood flow.
29. Pour in five quarts of fresh oil.
30. Lower car from jack stands. Smile at your handiwork. Open another beer and drink it.
31. Move car back to discover oil puddles you missed; apply more kitty litter to missed areas.
32. Test drive car to make sure oil doesn’t leak.
33. Get pulled over a block from the house by local police, get arrested for DUI.
34. Call loving wife and bail bondsman.
35. Next day, get car out of impound yard.
Cost: $50 parts, $20 beer, Impound fee $75, Bail $1500, DUI $2500 minimum.
Total: $4145 (but you know the job was done right!)
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
OLD CHINESE PROVERBS…   
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Hourglasses are waste of time.
All men eat, but Fu Man Chu.
War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?” “Yes, What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t
quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search each log in the the wood pile and find nothing; frustrated, they get axes and split open
every piece of wood but still find no marijuana. They mutter obscenities and sneer at Virgil and finally leave.
Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil’s house. “Hey, Virgil, this here’s Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood for the winter?” “Yep!” “Happy Birthday, buddy!” 😎
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
  ‘Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?’ 
ANSWER: Beaches! Bette Midler can really deliver a line like this.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Miss Scarlet in the broom closet with the radio.
Thursday’s Quizzler is………. 
What is represented with this rebus?
Often
Not
Often
Not
Often
ANSWER: More often than not!

Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
I am periodically the number 79. Long ago some attempted to make me from 29, but learned it couldn’t be done. If you add me to 80 I appear to be 47 temporarily.
What am I?
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙇🙇🙇🙇🙌😎🙇🙇
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Thursday, June 8, 2017.                
Thoughts on Aging 101……
Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make whoopee” and you answer “Pick one, I can’t do both!”
You enjoy watching the washer and dryer in action.  
You stop lying about your age and you start bragging about it.
Your friends compliment you on your alligator shoes, but you’re barefoot.
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
You’re cautioned to “slow down” – not by the police but by your doctor!
You are getting a little action today – but that means the fiber is working.
You think “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
You think an “all-nighter” is not having to get up to pee.
A sexy woman walks by and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You’re the life of the party, even if it lasts until 8 PM.
You’re smiling all the time because you can’t hear a thing anyone is saying.
You’re very good at telling stories over and over and over and over.
You’re aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as cute as yours.
You’re very good at opening childproof caps (with a hammer).
You’re not grouchy; you just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, and politicians.
You’re wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just your left leg.
You’re having trouble remembering simple words like…
You’re a walking storeroom of facts – you’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Everything either dries up or leaks.
You realize that aging is not for wimps.
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.
The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You’re proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES…   
“There’s a new report that says more than half of American workers didn’t use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn’t take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.” -Conan O’Brien
“According to a new study, the recommendation that people need eight glasses of water per day is a myth. I think we figured that out when we never once drank eight glasses of water and still survived.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!😐😎
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 ‘Dyin’ ain’t much of a living, boy.’ 
ANSWER: The Outlaw Josey Wales! Josey Wales says this in response to the bounty hunter who just
has to come back in to shoot him. The kid says that everybody has to make a living somehow.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
  ‘Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?’
Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 
Complete the word square by inserting the 9 letters into the grid, to create the same words reading down & across.
D E E L L L O O O
E A C H
A _ _ _
C _ _ _
H _ _ _
ANSWER:

E A C H
A L O E
C O O L
H E L D
Each, Aloe, Cool, Held 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….   
What is represented with this rebus?
Often
Not
Often
Not
Often

 

 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙇🙇🙇🙇🙌😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Wednesday, June 7, 2017.                
Hallmark Card Rejects…….
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What the #$&@* was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy.”
“Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!”
“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”
“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age – almost life like!”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – so we’re having you put to sleep.”
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
Old Chinese Proverbs….
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him.
Man who streaks is unsuited for his work.
Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end.
Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails.
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.
“How long have you been wearing that bra?” the man asked his friend.
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”😱😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 ‘Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.’
ANSWER: Tombstone! Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday was *the* reason to watch this movie.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
  ‘Dyin’ ain’t much of a living, boy.’
Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 
If you multiply together the number of fingers on one person’s right hand to another person’s to another person’s till you get the product of the fingers on the right hands of everyone in the world, what is the most likely product?
For instance, one person has 5 fingers, and his friend has 5 fingers. The product is 25. Another person with 5 fingers would make the product 125. This goes on till everyone’s finger number is multiplied.
What’s the answer?
ANSWER: 0. There just needs to be one person without any fingers to cause the product to be 0. 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   
Complete the word square by inserting the 9 letters into the grid, to create the same words reading down & across.
D E E L L L O O O
E A C H
A _ _ _
C _ _ _
H _ _ _
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 6, 2017.              
Real Life vs. Movies…..
Movies: The hero calmly walks away without flinching as the building explodes behind him.
Real life: You totally crap yourself when a car backfires behind you.
Movies: The hero takes a bullet to the shoulder, winces, pours whiskey on the wound and cuts the bullet out with his knife.
Real life: You get a paper cut, cry like a schoolgirl, and demand worker’s comp.
Movies: Spectacular super slo-mo action.
Real life: What the hell just happened?
Movies: The plumber is young, handsome, tan, and snakes your pipes in return for “snaking your pipes.”
Real life: The plumber looks like Ernest Borgnine after an all-night bender and charges $150 to walk in the door.
Movies: The tough cowboy bursts through the swinging doors of the Main Street Saloon and serves up some justice to the bad guy who’s been running roughshod over the townspeople by brute force.
Real life: The waiter bursts through the swinging doors of the Wall Street kitchen and serves up some caviar crepes with truffle pesto sauce to bad guy who’s been running roughshod over the townspeople by loot force.
Movies: You finally find the inner fortitude to uppercut the school bully, sending him into a punchbowl and/or cake.
Real life: Years later, you find yourself serving the same bully punch and/or cake.
Movies: When you deliver a pizza, you’re greeted at the door by shapely horny women who invite you in for the ultimate fantasy.
Real life: When you deliver a pizza, you’re greeted at the door by a fantasy baseball league.
Movies: Hottie behind the register at Victoria’s Secret flashes a little cleavage, and beckons him to the back room.
Real life: Scotty behind the register at Costco flashes a little man-boob, and asks if he can bum a smoke off you out back.
Movies: The hero always slides the back of two fingers down the pretty girl’s cheek and says, “You know how the game is played, don’t you sweetie?”
Real life: You try it once and HR gets involved.
Movies: Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back.
Real life: Boy loses girl, boy loses another girl, boy tries boy, boy loses boy, too.
Movies: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, usually drunk swashbuckling pirate who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Real life: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, moderately talented actor who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Movies: James Bond deftly clips the correct wire and defuses the terrorist-rigged nuclear bomb, saving an entire city.
Real life: You attempt to change a fuse in your basement and inadvertently cause a city-wide blackout.
Movies: Everyone around you at the bus stop breaks into song.
Real life: You’re dangerously close to get your butt kicked because you’re the only one singing, geek.
Movies: Shy, gawky dude with indefatigable charm and quirky foibles wins over heroine’s heart, marries her, and lives happily ever after.
Real life: You’re 47 and spend your time playing World of Warcraft in your parents’ basement.
Movies: The hooker has a heart of gold.
Real life: The “hooker” has a badge of gold.
Real life: Adam Sandler is probably kind of funny.
Real life: $8 buys a year’s worth of popcorn.
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES...
“One of the winners of this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, ‘I’m just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“People have been selling fake parking spaces. They charge people to park in spots that they have no ownership of. Here’s a tip to avoid becoming a victim of this fraud. If you find a parking space during the festival, it’s a scam.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later that day his mother noticed him lying down, curled up on the floor as though he were ill. She said,
“Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife!”😐😁😎
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Now if you do good, you’ll see me one more time. If you do bad, you’ll see me two more times.’
ANSWER: Mulholland Dr. One of the best films of the decade, and also ranked one of the
best films director David Lynch ever made, ‘Mulholland Dr.’ holds a hallmark of mystery and drama.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.’
Monday’s Quizzler is………. 
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
1) punched when starting work & discussion about scaling a mountain
2) a container of fibs & a shortage of baked goods
3) hasty vacation & prank gibe
4) a mongoose & artificial precipitation
ANSWER: 1) time clock & climb talk  2) pack of lies & lack of pies  3) quick trip & trick quip  4) snake foe & fake snow
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
If you multiply together the number of fingers on one person’s right hand to another person’s to another person’s till you get the product of the fingers on the right hands of everyone in the world, what is the most likely product?
For instance, one person has 5 fingers, and his friend has 5 fingers. The product is 25. Another person with 5 fingers would make the product 125. This goes on till everyone’s finger number is multiplied.
What’s the answer?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! WAY2 CASH OUT BANKS! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙇😎 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, June 5, 2017.             
Movies Things 101……
1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.
13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.
14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.
15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite.
16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES...
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” -Paula Poundstone
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s
called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” -Drew Carey
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming in terror–like all the passengers in his car.”
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Three elderly doctors have been friends for many years, and one afternoon at the club they started talking about their final arrangements.
The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”
“That’s a very clever idea,” says the cardiologist, “I’d love my tombstone to be shaped like a heart in red marble.”
The urologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I’m thinking about having my ashes scattered.”😁😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘How do you know I won’t be seeing what you’re seeing, in court!’
ANSWER: Being John Malkovich! One of the most twisted films of the 90s,
‘Being John Malkovich’ was a great piece of cinematic creativity and intellect.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Now if you do good, you’ll see me one more time. If you do bad, you’ll see me two more times.’
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
At a train station in Sydney, Australia, an intelligent rich man was awaiting his upper class rail transport. He was sorting through his wallet and pulled out credit cards, receipts, and $200 in cash.
An egotistical scam artist (and a talented one at that) approached the man and said to him, “I’ll bet you, on all the money in your wallet, that I can get a packet of chips out of that snack machine without inserting any money!”
The rich man, who was intrigued by this ‘talent’, readily agreed.
The scam artist walked over to the snack dispenser, stuck his hand up through the compartments, and a chip packet fell out.
The rich man was amazed, but being a faithful businessman, stuck to his word, yet the scam artist walked off without a penny.
ANSWER: The rich man had already removed all the money and items from his wallet before he made the bet.
Therefore, when he gave the scammer all the money in his wallet, it totaled $0!
Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
1) punched when starting work & discussion about scaling a mountain
2) a container of fibs & a shortage of baked goods
3) hasty vacation & prank gibe
4) a mongoose & artificial precipitation
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/