Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Friday, June 23, 2017.                          
Weekend Thoughts on Aging…..(or U no U old when.) 
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve gone back into style – TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in”.
You don’t remember when you got that mole or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”
Others ask for your recipes.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint your apartment walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You don’t like to drive after dark.
You say the words, “Turn that music down!”
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear “snap, crackle, pop” and you’re not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer.
And beer. And beer. And beer. What kind of message is this? ‘Dad, you are a
potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.’
We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best
thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties.” -Seth Meyers
“More millennials are looking to get rid of extra piercings and even remove their tattoos.
Researchers say it’s due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out.
When I feel the urge to go out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”😐
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘I suppose you’ll use this drama to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man who comes to this house.’
ANSWER: The Ref! That Lloyd is one crazy character.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
  ‘Let’s look at this from a standpoint of status. What do we got on the space craft that’s good?’
 
 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 
What phrase is hidden here?
Genie’s Gift
Skydiving Elvis
ANSWER: Wish upon a falling star. Genie’s Gift = A Wish

Skydiving (falling) Elvis (Star)

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
In this teaser you are to try and discover the quotation concealed in the lines.
The quote has been broken up into two-letter fragments. Furthermore, I have
removed any punctuation and jumbled the two-letter fragments about so the word
order has been disarranged. You have to rearrange the quotation and decide where
the words begin and where they end. Good luck!
he fo ay od if et ve pl on of mu si cb lo
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

princess-bride-priest-mawwage-is-what-brings-us-together-today
WELCOME to Wednesday, June 21, 2017.                         
Lyrics Misinterpreted by Kids….. 
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don’t you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night.
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx
If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
In China, when you’re one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. – Bill Gates
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. – Rabindranath Tagore
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. – Mark Twain
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished. – Leslie Nielsen
Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. – Eddie Cantor
Gray hair is God’s graffiti. – Bill Cosby
We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. – Winston Churchill
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. – Lily Tomlin
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
God was talking to one of the angels, and said, “I’ve just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a
24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!” The angel said, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.” 😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 ‘Peace, love, dope. Now get the hell out of here.’
ANSWER: Field of Dreams! Terance Mann says this when Ray is trying to kidnap him and take him to a baseball game.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘I suppose you’ll use this drama to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man who comes to this house.’
 
 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 
I wear the face of a leader of men. My financial worth is small and my
appearance not impressive, yet my presence is a passport to any country
and society. I have the entree alike to the boudoir and the armed; I
penetrate to royal palaces and to the far corners of the earth. In my
youth I am bright and fresh looking; later, my face is marred and
disfigured and I am cast aside as nothing; but when I am very old I am eagerly sought,
and a safe refuge is provided for me, where I am exhibited to admiring visitors. What am I?
ANSWER: A Postage Stamp
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   
What phrase is hidden here?
Genie’s Gift
Skydiving Elvis
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 20, 2017.                      
Worst Country-Western Songs (Part 2) 
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
The Last Word In Lonesome Is “Me”
Do You Love As Good As You Look
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
Who’s Makin’ Time with the Time Keeper’s Daughter, when the Time Keeper’s Keepin’ Time?
When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
All I Want From You is Away
My Shoes Keep Walkin’ Back to You
You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
And There was Grandma, Swingin’ on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On
How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?
I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft
Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You’re Going Against the Grain
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
Don’t Chop Any Wood, Mother, I’m Comin’ in With a Load
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?
They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza.
The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.” -Conan O’Brien
“A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it,
‘Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may
have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after
having so much trouble using regular silverware.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Now that I am a senior (citizen, that is) I have everything that I ever wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
– I don’t have to go to school or work.
– I get an allowance every month.
– I have my own pad.
– I don’t have a curfew.
– I have a driver’s license and my own car.
– I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
– The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
– And I don’t have acne.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.’
ANSWER: City of Angels! This is the story of Seth (Nicolas Cage), an angel who wanders the
Los Angeles area invisible to humans. As the demise of an individual approaches, he spends time
near them and becomes visible while acting as their traveling companion during their trip to the
great hereafter. His discovery of distraught heart surgeon Maggie (Meg Ryan) inspires him to
forego his immortality and exist on earth with her as a feeling and mortal entity. 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Peace, love, dope. Now get the hell out of here.’
 
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is………. 
There was a man who went to the mall and he bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs
of white socks. Another man who already bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white
socks came back to return his 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. They are both
blind. As they were walking they bumped into each other. All the socks scattered around the
floor, but each pair remained held together by a rubber band. Nobody helped them pick it up
except each other, but in 3 minutes they both put them back altogether. Each man ended up
with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white. How is that possible if they are blind?
ANSWER: One man took all the socks and pulled the pairs apart. As he pulled them apart,
he kept one sock for himself and gave the other to the other man so that each man ended
up with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white.

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
I wear the face of a leader of men. My financial worth is small and my
appearance not impressive, yet my presence is a passport to any country
and society. I have the entree alike to the boudoir and the armed; I
penetrate to royal palaces and to the far corners of the earth. In my
youth I am bright and fresh looking; later, my face is marred and
disfigured and I am cast aside as nothing; but when I am very old I am eagerly sought,
and a safe refuge is provided for me, where I am exhibited to admiring visitors. What am I?
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

Monday-motivational-fail
WELCOME to Monday, June 19, 2017.                      
Steven Wright Jokes…
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”
I’m so hyper (said with a very dull voice).
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“There is a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out.
For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as ‘wingmen.'” -Conan O’Brien
“A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt.
There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling
your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you.” -James Corden
“A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other
leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, ‘Wait, this still isn’t marijuana?'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I
can send the appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly,
I asked her, “Do you know what caused the fall?”
“No,” the woman nervously replied. “What?”😐😱😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘I never saw you throw that gentleman off the balcony. All I care about is are you happy with your haircut?’
ANSWER: The Rock! This little hair stylist is so funny. Sean Connery is newly released from solitary in a horrible prison.
He’s got long hair and a big bushy beard. The FBI has gotten him released in order to help them. They hire this little guy
to cut Sean Connery’s hair. After he’s finished, one of the FBI guys goes over the balcony, and the hair stylist and Sean end up in an elevator together. 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.’
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
Logic puzzles require you to think. You will have to be logical in your reasoning.
There are five people. One of them shot and killed one of the other five. Which man is the murderer?
1. Dan ran in the NY City marathon yesterday with one of the innocent men.
2. Mike considered being a farmer before he moved to the city.
3. Jeff is a topnotch computer consultant and wants to install Ben’s new computer next week.
4. The murderer had his leg amputated last month.
5. Ben met Jack for the first time six months ago.
6. Jack has been in seclusion since the crime.
7. Dan used to drink heavily.
8. Ben and Jeff built their last computers together.
9. The murderer is Jack’s brother. They grew up together in Seattle.
ANSWER: 1. Jack is not the murderer, because he is the brother of the murderer. 2. Dan can’t be the murderer since he ran a marathon, and the murderer recently had his leg amputated, and wouldn’t be running a marathon of any magnitude that quickly. 3. Ben is not the murderer if he just met Jack, since Jack and the murderer grew up together. 4. This leaves Jeff and Mike. Since Jeff is still alive (he wants to install a new computer next week, present tense) he must be the murderer. Mike also didn’t grow up with Jack. It has been determined that Jack, Dan and Jeff are all alive. Ben must also be alive since Jeff plans to install Ben’s computer next week. This means that Jeff killed Mike.
 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
There was a man who went to the mall and he bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. Another man who already bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks came back to return his 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. They are both blind. As they were walking they bumped into each other. All the socks scattered around the floor, but each pair remained held together by a rubber band. Nobody helped them pick it up except each other, but in 3 minutes they both put them back altogether. Each man ended up with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white. How is that possible if they are blind?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. KIM HILLYARD 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙏😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

funny-dog-memes-7
WELCOME to Friday, June 16, 2017.                      
Doctor’s Notes 101…..
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
When will all the rhetorical questions end? – George Carlin
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. – Joan Rivers
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. – Willy Wonka
Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re probably right. – Henry Ford
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. – Bob Hope
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. – Harry S. Truman
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. – Groucho Marx
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. – Albert Schweitzer
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. – John Paul Getty
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces. – Judith Viorst
It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. – Booker T. Washington
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when
he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow! That is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”
The other man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”😐😎
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘If hate were people I’d be China!’
ANSWER: City Slickers! This is the most hilarious scene. He’s fighting with his wife. ‘I hate you!’ ‘I hate you more!’ 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘I never saw you throw that gentleman off the balcony. All I care about is are you happy with your haircut?’
Thursday’s Quizzler is………. 
Find a rhyme for each word below so you end up with a familiar three-word phrase in the form “__, __, and __”.
Example:
Clue = “Cook, Wine, Drinker”
Answer = “Hook, Line, and Sinker”
1. Shop, Swap, Dole
2. Mop, Slip, Thump
3. Mud, Wet, Smears
4. Sock, Rock, Carol
5. Claim, Debt, Scratch
6. Steady, Filling, Label
7. Warning, Soon, Flight
ANSWER: 1. Stop, Drop, and Roll  2. Hop, Skip, and Jump  3. Blood, Sweat, and Tears  4. Lock, Stock, and Barrel  5. Game, Set, and Match

6. Ready, Willing, and Able  7. Morning, Noon, and Night


 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
Logic puzzles require you to think. You will have to be logical in your reasoning.
There are five people. One of them shot and killed one of the other five. Which man is the murderer?
1. Dan ran in the NY City marathon yesterday with one of the innocent men.
2. Mike considered being a farmer before he moved to the city.
3. Jeff is a topnotch computer consultant and wants to install Ben’s new computer next week.
4. The murderer had his leg amputated last month.
5. Ben met Jack for the first time six months ago.
6. Jack has been in seclusion since the crime.
7. Dan used to drink heavily.
8. Ben and Jeff built their last computers together.
9. The murderer is Jack’s brother. They grew up together in Seattle.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. KIM HILLYARD 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙏😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Thursday, June 15, 2017.                     
Never….
Never compliment a man’s watch when standing at the urinal.
Never eat at a place called Mom’s.
Never play cards with a man named Doc.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.
Never argue with a woman when she’s tired.
Never argue with a woman when she’s rested.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!
Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.
Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
Never say “Oops” in an operating room.
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
Never eat prunes when you’re hungry.
Never say, “Sorry, we don’t have what you’re looking for.” Always say, “I just sold the last one the other day.”
Never use one word when twelve will suffice.
Never hold a rap contest at a square dance.
Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet.
Never listen to Chubby Checker’s “Let’s do the Twist”, when you’re stuck in quicksand.
Never be the first to do anything.
Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It’s perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun.” -Conan O’Brien
“A British tech company has debuted new technology that lets clothing store mannequins talk about the outfit they are displaying. Said the inventor, ‘The idea came to me in a nightmare.'” -Seth Meyers
“A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they’d mind leaving the room, the husbands and boyfriends were already gone.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: “How can you do the job? You can’t pull the rope!” Hunchback: “I have a cunning plan – but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is.” So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: “Okay, show me your plan.”
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it, full force, with his face. Sure enough, the bell rings. So, despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.
Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he’s a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below. A crowd gathers around the hunchback’s mangled body lying in the street; the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.
A policeman arrives and asks the bishop, “Who is this guy?” The bishop replies: “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
The next day…
A man (who has arms) arrives, claiming to be the hunchback’s brother. “Hi, I’ve come to take over my brother’s job.” The bishop offers his condolences for the loss of his brother, and then escorts him to the tower.
“Your brother used to ring the bell with his face,” said the Bishop. “Will you do that, too? Or will you use your arms?” The hunchback’s brother replies, “If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!” So he runs full speed at the bell, glances off it with his face, and falls out the window and to his death in the street below.
The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd gathers. A policeman once again arrives and asks the bishop, “Do you know who this man is?”
The bishop replies, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”😐😎
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘It’s not brave if you’re not scared.’
ANSWER: Bounce! Ben Affleck delivers this line. And it’s true isn’t it? If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to. 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
  ‘If hate were people I’d be China!’
Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 
It was Louis Ixolite’s bedtime and as usual he wanted a bedtime story.
He was a bright young man and had managed to communicate in Rebuses before he could speak.
Daddy asked Louis which story he would like to hear and Louis scribbled down the following Rebus in crayon.
Soybeans “blah blah blah”
Jack “blah blah blah”
Kidneybeans “blah blah blah”
What story did Louis want to hear?
ANSWER: Jack and the Beanstalk.  Get it? Jack and the beans talk.
 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….   
Find a rhyme for each word below so you end up with a familiar three-word phrase in the form “__, __, and __”.
Example:
Clue = “Cook, Wine, Drinker”
Answer = “Hook, Line, and Sinker”
1. Shop, Swap, Dole
2. Mop, Slip, Thump
3. Mud, Wet, Smears
4. Sock, Rock, Carol
5. Claim, Debt, Scratch
6. Steady, Filling, Label
7. Warning, Soon, Flight
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 😁😁😁😁🙌🙌🙏😔 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Wednesday, June 14, 2017.                    
Really Bad Analogies 101…..
The wheel of love had left its tread marks in his chest once too often, like a knobby mud tire on a monster truck, or like a really big ponce wheel, the kind that tailors use to punch little holes in patterns and that would leave lots of nasty little welts if you were to run it up and down your arm.
I saw her sitting at the bar. I approached. “Hello,” she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled.
Mitzi’s wet T-shirt clung to her torso like paint on the nose cone of a jumbo jet.
Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn’t even be used to make a coat or something.
The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby’s head with a bad sunburn, but then again it might just have been that Lisa was always cranky this early in the morning.
Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that’s been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there’s always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast.
As Fiona slowly drew the heavy velvet curtain aside, her eyes smoldered black, deep, and dark as inside the lungs of a coal miner, although it would be black in anyone’s lungs if you could get in there because there wouldn’t be any light, even in the pink ones of people who don’t smoke.
Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on “Mayberry RFD”.
We are all like those little pink and blue plastic people in the game of Life.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.😱
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
He spoke with wisdom that can only comes from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
AND that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… 
“There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?”
–Dick Cavett
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
–Joan Rivers
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
–Phyllis Diller
“In heaven all the interesting people are missing.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche
“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
–Alfred Hitchcock
“Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.”
–Frank Zappa
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
It’s a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was
stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.😐😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Did you know that by mixing equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?’
ANSWER: Fight Club! Tyler Durdin just knows everything doesn’t he? 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
  ‘It’s not brave if you’re not scared.’
Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 
Each group of three definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing.
1a) to wriggle
1b) a member of the British gentry
1c) a small forcible stream of liquid
2a) this color is a blend of red and yellow darkened by black
2b) the top of the head
2c) to cover with water
3a) more recent
3b) rubbish
3c) a written communication
4a) very common color
4b) a high-pitched plaintive cry
4c) although
ANSWER: 1) squirm, squire, squirt  2) brown, crown, drown  3) latter, litter, letter  4) white, whine, while

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   
It was Louis Ixolite’s bedtime and as usual he wanted a bedtime story.
He was a bright young man and had managed to communicate in Rebuses before he could speak.
Daddy asked Louis which story he would like to hear and Louis scribbled down the following Rebus in crayon.
Soybeans “blah blah blah”
Jack “blah blah blah”
Kidneybeans “blah blah blah”
What story did Louis want to hear?
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/