Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday May 15, 2018.

Pondering………
How can one TV station have the “exclusive” accurate weather? Did they “storm” in and scoop the others?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I’ve only been driving for 10 minutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If a brown cow eats green grass why is it’s milk white?
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked?
If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If beef comes from a cow and ham from a pig, why do they put beef in hamburgers?
If breaks are meant to be slow… then why do they call it “breakfast”?
If corn oil comes from corn….where does baby oil come from?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If helium existed in a solid form, and you ate it would you get heavier or lighter?
If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t  forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES...

“A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample, and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, ‘Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could’ve just poured yourself a coffee.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“A New Hampshire man who went hiking and was reported missing by his wife now owes the government thousands of dollars for the search effort, because when they found him, he had been staying in a luxury hotel. He has to pay thousands of dollars – and that’s just for eating the macadamia nuts from the mini-bar.” -James Corden

“Einstein Bros. Bagels shop is now serving mac and cheese bagels. So if you love bagels, and you love mac and cheese, I hope you have a great personality.” -Seth Meyers


G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell. Here is one of them. It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go.”

He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go”

He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked, “Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?” The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom…”😐😱😁

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

‘All right, Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close-up.’ 

ANSWER: Sunset Blvd! This scene is when aging film star Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) plays out a fantasy of her vanished stardom. It also won 3 Academy Awards in 1950.

Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day!
‘Made it, Ma! Top of the world!’
Monday’s Quizzler is……

When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a  valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word  first.
Example: Begin -> Heavenly body
Answer: The words are Start and Star.

1. Pebbles, rock fragments -> Tomb; serious
2. Prearranged fight with weapons -> Payable on demand; owed
3. Experience emotion; touch -> Fixed charge
4. Implement used for a job -> Also; excessively
5. Standard of perfection -> Mental concept; thought
6. Speech pattern with long vowels -> To sketch
7. Artist’s tripod -> Freedom from hardship
8. Pale tint of colour -> Glue; a soft malleable mixture

Answer:

1. Gravel -> Grave
2. Duel -> Due
3. Feel -> Fee
4. Tool -> Too
5. Ideal -> Idea
6. Drawl -> Draw
7. Easel -> Ease
8. Pastel -> Paste


Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
What expression is represented here?

Brrr….shake, shake….brrrrr;

me

Maple, oak, blackwood, acacia, birch and mountain-ash.




LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

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