Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday May 14, 2018.

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right–only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t  forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

DAILY QUOTES...”Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there’s no one we’re prouder of, and our teachers are like, ‘There’s no one OF WHOM you’re prouder.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Facebook is adding a new feature that will allow people to use Facebook as an online
dating app. I’m not sure Facebook understands why we use Facebook. Facebook isn’t
for finding dates; it’s for finding people we used to date. Then we silently judge them,
feel better about ourselves. That’s the only use for Facebook.” -James Corden 😁

“In a new interview, billionaire Warren Buffett called Bitcoin ‘rat poison.’ Which is an unfair comparison because people actually understand how rat poison works.” -Conan O’Brien

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked,
“that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?” 😐😱😁
 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘No more wire hangers EVER!’

ANSWER: Mommie Dearest! Faye Dunaway portrayed Joan Crawford in this film.

Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!  ‘All right, Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close-up.’

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is…… The  Antisocial Club meets every week at Jim’s Bar. Since they are so  antisocial, however, everyone always sits as far as possible from the  other members, and no one ever sits right next to another member.  Because of this, the 25-stool bar is almost always less than half full  and unfortunately for Jim the members that don’t sit at the bar don’t  order any drinks. Jim, however, is pretty smart and makes up a new rule:  The first person to sit at the bar has to sit at one of two particular  stools. If this happens, then the maximum number of members will sit at  the bar. Which stools must be chosen? Assume the stools are numbered 1  to 25 and are arranged in a straight line.

 

Answer:  The first person must take either stool 9 or 17 (because of symmetry, it doesn’t matter which). Assume they pick seat 9. The next person will pick seat 25, since it is the furthest from seat 9. The next two people will take Seats one and 17. The next three will occupy 5, 13, and 21. The next six will occupy 3, 7, 11, 15, 19, and 23. This seats the maximum of 13 people, and no one is sitting next to another person. If a seat other than 9 or 17 is chosen first, the total bar patrons will be less than 13.
 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is………. When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Heavenly body
Answer: The words are Start and Star.

1. Pebbles, rock fragments -> Tomb; serious
2. Prearranged fight with weapons -> Payable on demand; owed
3. Experience emotion; touch -> Fixed charge
4. Implement used for a job -> Also; excessively
5. Standard of perfection -> Mental concept; thought
6. Speech pattern with long vowels -> To sketch
7. Artist’s tripod -> Freedom from hardship
8. Pale tint of colour -> Glue; a soft malleable mixture

 

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, http://www.stlzoo.org

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