Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

15319276_1583214938372271_2107470581539953221_n

WELCOME to Friday April 20, 2018.

From the mind of Steven Wright…..

Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
If  toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their  feet, what
happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When  I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
I  saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another  sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A  cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I  said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When  you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just  takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers  it.”
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do,  don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

—————————————————————————
DAILY QUOTES...

“According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it’s fine to cheat a little on your taxes.  While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2017 while eating a hot dog from 2005.” -Conan O’Brien

“The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you’ve been overpaying all year long. It’s like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, ‘Oh, presents.'” -Jimmy Kimmel

————————————————————————

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

“I know,” she complained. “Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there’s only
so much you can pretend you’re doing.” 😐

————————————————————————-

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

 “That kid is on the escalator again!”

ANSWER:

Mallrats! Kevin Smith’s second movie. Another good one. This one set Jason Lee’s career off. As Brodie, he was a dry, witty, and wonderfully cast character.

Fridays Movie Trivia of the day!

“We’re gonna need some new FBI guys.”

————————————————————————-


Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Each group of three definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a
different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing.

1a) inexperienced
1b) to address with expressions of kind wishes
1c) unreasonable selfish desire

2a) highly skilled
2b) to conform
2c) to accept formally and put into effect

3a) a committee for judging and awarding prizes
3b) conceal or hide
3c) violent anger

4a) a rounded shape
4b) spoken
4c) a gemstone

What common phrase is represented below?

IGAR
CIGR
CGAR
CIGA
CIAR

ANSWER: Close, but no cigar.😁😎 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are 3 pairs of words. Find the words that fit in the middle of each pair of words to create two new words, one front-ended and one back-ended.

Example: EVER – ______ – HORN
Answer: EVER – GREEN – HORN

SLIP ___________ LINED
BREAD __________ CASE
OTHER __________ CRACK

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s