Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

1c1p6e

WELCOME to Monday April 8, 2018.

IDIOTS UNLEASED…...

RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk  noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the  card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just  signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She  carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As  luck would have it, they matched.

GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I  described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said,  “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?”. Thinking that he was just kidding, I  played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”

ADVICE
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health  & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to  lubricate your eyes.”

THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the  local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer  Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars  and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a  large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems  with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the  branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the   back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the  next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became  visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the  amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to  say, she was very disappointed.

FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the  individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was  sorry, but they only had iceberg.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

—————————————————————————————
DAILY QUOTES...

“The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top! And if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations – all of your coworkers hate you now.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys-R-Us gift cards. Said kids, ‘Umm… I guess I’ll take the whiskey decanter?'” -Seth Meyers

“A man in New Orleans could be facing a life sentence for stealing $31 worth of candy from a drug store. I feel for this guy. That has got to be a tough conversation once you’re in prison. ‘Yeah, I’m in for armed robbery and arson, what about you?’ ‘Oh, you know, the new peanut butter Twix.'” -James Corden

—————————————————————————————-

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalog and admiring all the beautiful models.

Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?”

Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!”

Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun.”

Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “by golly Ole, if she’s as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.”

Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?”

Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!” 😐

————————————————————————-

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

‘Do you know what we do in Russia to keep warm?’
‘Oh I can guess baby.’
‘We play chess.’
‘I guessed wrong.’

ANSWER:The correct answer was Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!

 “In your dream, did I get up in the middle of the night and yak in your sink?”

————————————————————————-


Friday’s Quizzler is………. 

Each group of three definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a
different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing.

1a) inexperienced
1b) to address with expressions of kind wishes
1c) unreasonable selfish desire

2a) highly skilled
2b) to conform
2c) to accept formally and put into effect

3a) a committee for judging and awarding prizes
3b) conceal or hide
3c) violent anger

4a) a rounded shape
4b) spoken
4c) a gemstone

Hidden in each sentence is a word. For example, in the sentence: When I grow up, I want to be a ranger.
(Hidden animal) The hidden word is BEAR from “to BE A Ranger”. Now, try to identify the hidden colors in the sentences below:

I agree not to eat all the food.
Bob decided to jump in, knowing that this is his only choice.
The sunset makes Cairo seem magnificent.
Some states ship lumber and coal on canal barges.

ANSWER:

Green.
i aGREE Not to eat all the food.

Pink.
bob decided to jumP IN, Knowing that this is his only choice.

Rose.
the sunset makes caiRO SEem magnificent.

Plum.
Some states shiP LUMber and coal on canal barges.

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
A name of a musical instrument is hidden in each of these phrases or sentences.

1. Which arm on Icarus held this instrument?
2. Man wearing kepi a novice player.
3. Orpheus carefully replaced ancient instrument.
4. Educator Gandhi played Bach.
5. No car in Asia has instrument aboard.
6. Instrument played in Olympic colorful parade.
7. Cancel long concert for stringed instrument.
8. Urban joke played on instrument.
9. Angelic playing with arpeggios.
10. Absolutely beautiful playing of stringed instrument.






LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s