Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday February 28, 2018.  

Funny Medical Quotes by Hospital Specialists….

A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new
wing to their hospital.  This was what they said:
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.”
The Paediatricians said, “Grow up!”
The Plastic Surgeon said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

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DAILY QUOTES...
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation,
he touched up the X-rays. – Joey Bishop

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’. – Larry Brown.

She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx.

I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately.  Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx

The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. – Voltaire

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her
like Bo Derek.  He gave her a lobotomy. – Joan Rivers

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. – Jerry Vale

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. – Samuel Goldwyn

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton

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G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc can I ask you a question?’  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?’
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan’s ear, ‘Try doing it with the engine running.’😎

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Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
“Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! Our _____________ has been  on the run for ninety minutes. Average footspeed over uneven ground,  barring injuries, is four miles per hour. That gives us a radius of six  miles …”
ANSWER:

Fugitive (from “The Fugitive” – 1993)
“The Fugitive” (1993) starred Harrison Ford as Dr. Richard Kimble, a man falsely convicted of murdering his wife. The movie was based on a popular TV series from the 60’s. The particular quote was spoken by Deputy Marshall Samuel Gerard, played by Tommy Lee Jones, as he is organizing the manhunt for Kimble.
Wednesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
1: “I’m not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.”
2: “What are you?”
1: “I’m __________.”

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Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 

When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Heavenly body
Answer: The words are Start and Star.

1. To look for -> To perceive
2. Use the mind -> Slender, narrow
3. Enclosed army vehicle -> A colour; darkening of the skin
4. A colour -> Thin, pointed piece of metal
5. Tree covering -> Metal rod
6. Timber; board -> Design; a scheme developed in advance
7. Bare, plain; blunt -> Celestial night light
8. Descended in water -> Celestial night light with orbiting planets

ANSWER:

1. Seek -> See
2. Think -> Thin
3. Tank -> Tan
4. Pink -> Pin
5. Bark -> Bar
6. Plank -> Plan
7. Stark -> Star
8. Sunk -> Sun
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the words that are empty by using words that will connect with the previous one.

EXAMPLE: Towel, Rack. (You have the words Towel and Rack, but when put together it becomes “Towel rack”.)

Try to connect candy to washer.

Candy
B_ _
S _ _ _
D_ _ _
Washer

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

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Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Balance-is-the-key-to-life

WELCOME to Tuesday February 27, 2018.  

Mother’s dictionary….

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep
you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re
sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket
aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as
to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a
child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a great Tuesday people,

and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
DAILY QUOTES...
“A new study from the University of Sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. Yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse — and they never pitch in for the pizza.” -Stephen Colbert

“Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you’ve got to consistently provide your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century. On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner.” -Conan O’Brien

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G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
My 10-year-old daughter has decided she is an environmentalist. So she talked me into participating in an aggressive recycling effort with her.

Last week she and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85.

We’re going to use generally accepted accounting principles and see if we can apply this amount to our taxable income.

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Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
[answering the phone]: “Hello, __________________. Yes, of course  they’re serious … You do? You have? No kidding. Just gimme the address  …. Oh sure, they will be totally discreet. Thank you. [hangs up] We  Got One!”

ANSWER: Ghostbusters (1984)

This comedy starred Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis as the Ghostbusters. It also starred Sigourney Weaver and Rick Moranis. This quote is the Ghostbusters’ new receptionist (Annie Potts)receiving their first call for their ghostbusting services.
Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! Our _____________ has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average footspeed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour. That gives us a radius of six miles …”

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Monday’s Quizzler is………. 

On a certain game show, five families were asked to match famous names to faces they were shown, and each correct guess got one point. The families made the following guesses (in order):

The Addams’ guessed Otto, Roebling, Steinmetz, Tesla, and Westinghouse.

The Bunkers guessed Tesla, Westinghouse, Otto, Steinmetz, and Roebling.

The Cunninghams guessed Roebling, Tesla, Steinmetz, Westinghouse, and Otto.

The Flintstones guessed Tesla, Roebling, Otto, Steinmetz, and Westinghouse.

The Jetsons guessed Tesla, Westinghouse, Steinmetz, Otto, and Roebling.

No two families got the same number of points. Which family walked home with the grand prize?

ANSWER:

You can assume that one family got all 5 correct (from the hint if you didn’t know that), and as such, you can choose a family to have the perfect score. Then compare their answers with the other families, and find out how the other families did. If there are any duplicate point totals, that can’t be the correct perfect total family, and you move to the next.

The correct order was Tesla, Roebling, Otto, Steinmetz, and Westinghouse. The totals for each family are

Addams = 2 (no thanks to Lurch)
Bunkers = 3 (you meathead!)
Cunninghams = 0 (the Fonz was not allowed to play)
Flintstones = 5
Jetsons = 1 (c’mon George, get off that broken treadmill)
and the Flintstones won a trip to the nearest tar pit.

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Heavenly body
Answer: The words are Start and Star.

1. To look for -> To perceive
2. Use the mind -> Slender, narrow
3. Enclosed army vehicle -> A colour; darkening of the skin
4. A colour -> Thin, pointed piece of metal
5. Tree covering -> Metal rod
6. Timber; board -> Design; a scheme developed in advance
7. Bare, plain; blunt -> Celestial night light
8. Descended in water -> Celestial night light with orbiting planets

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday February 26, 2018.  

Thoughts to get through a Crisis!

I thought I saw Gary Busey walking home, but it was just a man living with consequences.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic, and then give in.
Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.
The fact that you believe in something does not make it true.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
No matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion – not proof – to destroy it.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
You shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
You can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
Ex-wives and Ex-husbands are like fungus, and keep coming back.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a great Monday people,

and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
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DAILY QUOTES...
“In technology news, the organization that oversees emoji’s has changed the lobster emoji after people in Maine complained that it didn’t have the correct number of legs! When they heard about this, lobsters were like “Thanks for fixing the emoji but while you’re at it, can you stop boiling us?'” -James Corden

“A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” -Jimmy Kimmel

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G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”

“And, when was that?”

“When he asked for the second cup.” 😐
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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
“The first rule of _______________ is – you do not talk about _____________. The Second rule
of _____________ is – you DO NOT talk about _____________.”

ANSWER:

Fight Club (1999) Brad Pitt and Ed Norton star in this 1999 movie with a surprise twist at the end. The particular quote is spoken by Tyler Durden, played by Pitt, as he is explaining what Fight Club is all about to new members.
Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
[answering the phone]: “Hello, __________________. Yes, of course they’re serious … You do? You have? No kidding. Just gimme the address …. Oh sure, they will be totally discreet. Thank you. [hangs up] We Got One!”

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD. SUPER SOLVING KIM. 🙇🙇🙇🙅

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Friday’s Quizzler is………. 

In this teaser, I have given you 4 words. Beside each word are a series of letter groupings. Your task is to find the answer to the word on the left by choosing one letter from each of the letter groups to the right of each clue.

Example:

Statuette: fro evi gse rpu lor nai ngd rep

Answer:

Fgo evI Gse rpU loR naI Ngd rEp = FIGURINE

Glasses: ads hjp jje loc tpp art chr awl deg shj

Canteen: cfg ahj fgf rte ttu ioe pro ioi ear

Drink: awq ghu dfa fgh fnq

Main road: hcv dif ggh jkh lwl iay try

ANSWER:  Glasses: s p e c t a c l e s

Canteen: c a f e t e r i a
Drink: q u a f f
Main road: h i g h w a y
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
On a certain game show, five families were asked to match famous names to faces they were shown, and each correct guess got one point. The families made the following guesses (in order):

The Addams’ guessed Otto, Roebling, Steinmetz, Tesla, and Westinghouse.

The Bunkers guessed Tesla, Westinghouse, Otto, Steinmetz, and Roebling.

The Cunninghams guessed Roebling, Tesla, Steinmetz, Westinghouse, and Otto.

The Flintstones guessed Tesla, Roebling, Otto, Steinmetz, and Westinghouse.

The Jetsons guessed Tesla, Westinghouse, Steinmetz, Otto, and Roebling.

No two families got the same number of points. Which family walked home with the grand prize?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday February 23, 2018.  


Definitions..Men vs. Women..

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female – A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female – An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male – A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a great Friday people,

and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
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DAILY QUOTES...
We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by
Frankenstein logic.  David Russell

Avoid fruit and nuts.
You are what you eat. Jim Davis

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’
So he gave me a kite.  Tommy Cooper

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them
is that he has taken to drink.  Booth Tarkington

Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine. David Moulton.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes

No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.  Groucho Marx

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.  Kurt Vonnegut

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. HL Mencken

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.  Robertson Davies

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G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
here was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow’s ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, “In one ear, and out the udder!” 
 —————————————————————————————————————————————
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
1: “He beat you with nothin’! Just like today when he kept comin back at me, with nothin’.”
2: “Yeah, well sometimes nothin’ can be a real ____


ANSWER:
Cool Hand Luke!

From “Cool Hand Luke”, starring Paul Newman as Lucas Johnson, a man who refuses to conform to the rules in the prison
camp where he is sent. In this quote he is responding to another inmate, Dragline (George Kennedy), after Luke wins a
poker hand on a bluff. You should see this movie if you haven’t. You will recognize a quote
from it: “What we have here is failure to communicate”.
Fridays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“The first rule of _______________ is – you do not talk about _____________. The Second rule
of _____________ is – you DO NOT talk about _____________.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Thursday’s Quizzler is………. 

These are quotes from George Carlin, one of America’s most popular wise guys. Can you decode them?

Both puzzles use the same code.

Q=M

“DPKLSUQ SU D ORO-TYRTKLP RYMDOSEDPSRO.”

“‘S DQ’ SU YLTRYPLJWB PKL UKRYPLUP ULOPLOHL SO PKL LOMWSUK WDOMADML. HRAWJ SP FL PKDP ‘S JR’ SU PKL WROMLUP ULOPLOHL?”

ANSWER:

“ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.”

“‘I AM’ IS REPORTEDLY THE SHORTEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. COULD IT BE THAT ‘I DO’ IS THE LONGEST SENTENCE?”

KEY:
A=U
B=Y
D=A
E=Z
F=B
H=C
J=D
K=H
L=E
M=G
O=N
P=T
Q=M
R=O
S=I
T=P
U=S
W=L
Y=R
Z=K

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
In this teaser, I have given you 4 words. Beside each word are a series of letter groupings. Your
task is to find the answer to the word on the left by choosing one letter from each of the letter groups to the right of each clue.

Example:

Statuette: fro evi gse rpu lor nai ngd rep

Answer:

Fgo evI Gse rpU loR naI Ngd rEp = FIGURINE

Glasses: ads hjp jje loc tpp art chr awl deg shj

Canteen: cfg ahj fgf rte ttu ioe pro ioi ear

Drink: awq ghu dfa fgh fnq

Main road: hcv dif ggh jkh lwl iay try

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday February 22, 2018.  

Ponderings for Today……

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a great Thursday people,

and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES...
Anybody who says their wedding or the birth of their child was the best day of their life
has clearly never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

My friend keeps telling me, “Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck
underground in a hole full of water.” And I know he means well, but…

I hope when I die it’s early in the morning, so I don’t go to work that day for no reason.

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an
online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. “We have
to call it Imagination,” one passionate participant cried out.

Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied,
“Are you sure you want your business card to read ‘Imagination, Limited’?”😐😁

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘I like them French Fried potaters.’
ANSWER:  Sling Blade!
Thursdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
1: “He beat you with nothin’! Just like today when he kept comin back at me, with nothin’.”
2: “Yeah, well sometimes nothin’ can be a real ____
Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 

Find the two six letter words that are combined in each row of letters. Their letters are in the correct order.

1. JSOYOMFUBELR
2. SCDUARWDRLYE
3. DASNAGEFERTY
4. CLULOOTSCEHN
5. USENEARSEYNE

ANSWER:

1. Joyful & Somber
2. Scurry & Dawdle
3. Danger & Safety
4. Clutch & Loosen
5. Uneasy & Serene
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
These are quotes from George Carlin, one of America’s most popular wise guys. Can you decode them?

Both puzzles use the same code.

Q=M

“DPKLSUQ SU D ORO-TYRTKLP RYMDOSEDPSRO.”

“‘S DQ’ SU YLTRYPLJWB PKL UKRYPLUP ULOPLOHL SO PKL LOMWSUK WDOMADML. HRAWJ SP FL PKDP ‘S JR’ SU PKL WROMLUP ULOPLOHL?”

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday February 21, 2018.  

Thoughts on Aging…..

You enjoy watching the washer and dryer in action.
You stop lying about your age and you start bragging about it.
Your friends compliment you on your alligator shoes, but you’re barefoot.
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
You’re cautioned to “slow down” – not by the police but by your doctor!
You are getting a little action today – but that means the fiber is working.
You think “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
You think an “all-nighter” is not having to get up to pee.
A sexy woman walks by and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You’re the life of the party, even if it lasts until 8 PM.
You’re smiling all the time because you can’t hear a thing anyone is saying.
You’re very good at telling stories over and over and over and over.
You’re aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as cute as yours.
You’re very good at opening childproof caps (with a hammer).
You’re not grouchy; you just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, and politicians.
You’re wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just your left leg.
You’re having trouble remembering simple words like…
You’re a walking storeroom of facts – you’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Everything either dries up or leaks.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a wonderful Wednesday people,

and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
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DAILY QUOTES...
I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding
which bringeth peace. – Helen Keller

People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient,
and then repent. – Bob Dylan

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. – William James

The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. – Anonymous.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. – Jimi Hendrix

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in
the right scale of values. – Norman Thomas

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who’ll get the blame. – Bertrand Russell

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not
sure about the former. – Albert Einstein

 ————————————————————————————————————————————
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?” 
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality–sometimes I have a 
little trouble telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what are your strengths?”
“I’m Batman.” 😐

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Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
David- ‘YES!’
Ruby Rhod- ‘AAAAH! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT YOU SCREAMIN’ FOR?! EVERY FIVE MINUTES
THERE’S SOMETHING A BOMB OR SOMETHIN! I’M LEAVIN! Bzzzzzz!’

ANSWER: The Fifth Element!
Wednesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘I like them French Fried potaters.’
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Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 

5 + 5 + 5 = 550

Add ONE STRAIGHT LINE to the above to make the sum correct.

ANSWER: 5 4 5 + 5 = 550

Add a straight line to the first “+” to make it a “4”.
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Find the two six letter words that are combined in each row of letters. Their letters are in the correct order.

1. JSOYOMFUBELR
2. SCDUARWDRLYE
3. DASNAGEFERTY
4. CLULOOTSCEHN
5. USENEARSEYNE

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

remember-even-lions-were-kittens-once-funny-tuesday-meme

WELCOME to Tuesday February 20, 2018.   

DID YOU KNOW?

Apples are Female – the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for them as they’re afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Wine is Male – it begins as a grape, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of it until it turns into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Ziploc Bags are Male – they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female – once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male – it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male – to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there’s the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female – they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female – it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male – it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female – over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male – it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it,and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female – it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male – it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female – it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female – even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory. (E-V-E-R-Y T-H-I-N-G!) 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Have a wonderful Tuesday people,

and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
—————————————————————————————————————————————
DAILY QUOTES...
 “A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins.” -Seth Meyers

“Valentine’s Day: the day women all around the world wait eagerly to discover the new and wonderful ways their husbands and boyfriends will disappoint them.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Two hundred cows recently died in a field in Wisconsin. Nobody knows the cause of death, but they suspect boredom.” -Conan O’Brien

————————————————————————————————————————————–
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.  I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions…😐
————————————————————————————————————————————
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘We got no food! We got no jobs! Our pets HEADS ARE FALLIN’ OFF!’
ANSWER: Dumb and Dumber
Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
David- ‘YES!’
Ruby Rhod- ‘AAAAH! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT YOU SCREAMIN’ FOR?! EVERY FIVE MINUTES THERE’S SOMETHING A BOMB OR SOMETHIN! I’M LEAVIN! Bzzzzzz!’

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Monday’s Quizzler is………. 

A magazine competition invited people to come up with “invented” inventions of the cyber-age. For example, a solar powered clothes drier (a rope) and a hand-held word processor (a pencil). Can you guess what this is?
It’s a graphic media emulator. High-resolution, thin-screen monitor that produces near-perfect emulations of all graphical media. Used as cosmetic analyzer.

What is it?

ANSWER: A mirror


Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
5 + 5 + 5 = 550
Add ONE STRAIGHT LINE to the above to make the sum correct.


LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/