Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, October 31, 2017.                 
Halloween Punography….. 
Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are there no ‘B’ batteries?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver’s license?
If God sneezes, what should you say?
Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
If a baby’s leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn’t come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather “macaroni”?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
If vampires can’t see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Can you daydream at night?
Why do they call the little candy bars “fun sizes”. Wouldn’t it be more fun to eat a big one?
What is a picture of a thousand words worth?
Why does quicksand work slowly?
Can crop circles be square?
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… 

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face. – Helen Keller
To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others.
You need to accept yourself. – Thich Nhat Hanh
Our self-respect tracks our choices. Every time we act in harmony with our authentic self and our heart, we earn our respect. It is that simple. Every choice matters. – Dan Coppersmith
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own? – Brigham Young
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser’s owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser’s masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters’ faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown’s leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man’s foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that …. a mime is a terrible thing to taste.😐
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Can I tell you my secret now? I see dead people!’
ANSWER: The Sixth Sense! This is probably the best known saying from this movie. 

 

Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

‘You know the difference between me and you? I make this look good!’

 
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What phrase is illustrated here?
Injection 1: Rumour Shot
Patient: “That tickles.”
Injection 2: Hearsay Shot
Patient: “Didn’t feel it.”
Injection 3: Fact Shot
Patient: “Ouch!”
ANSWER:  The truth hurts.

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
In a sylasearch I give you a syllable-starter, which is the first syllable in the words you are to find. I will also give you a listing of the other syllables that you must use to figure out the 8 words.
Syllable List – al, cute, fec, form, fume, i, ma, mis, mit, nent, se, sion, son, tion, ty
Syllable-starter: per
How many syllables each word has:
1. (2)
2. (2)
3. (2)
4. (3)
5. (3)
6. (3)
7. (3)
8. (5)

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇🙇🙇🙅😁

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

grumpy-cat-rise-and-shine
WELCOME to Monday, October 30, 2017.                 
Pondering Again…………..  
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…
If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
I love playing cards with children. They can’t tell you’re dealing off the bottom of the deck.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar… Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man’s best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… 

“I read about a woman in Pennsylvania who celebrated her 94th birthday by jumping out of a plane. She thought she was just walking into the bathroom – but still, good for
her to experience that!” -Jimmy Fallon
“There is a major scandal in the world of the Iditarod. It turns out some of the dogs in
the race are on drugs. Dogs belonging to the four-time musher tested positive for a banned substance. These are powerful drugs. Opioids. These are the same drugs Santa
uses to make his reindeer fly.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model
finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.
She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind!”
“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he protested.
“Really?” she said, softening. “Well, how many models have there been?”
“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.”😔
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘As God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.’
ANSWER: Gone with the Wind! Scarlet O’Hara’s famous saying in this movie. 

 

Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

‘Can I tell you my secret now? I see dead people!’

 
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The U.S. Presidents made some horrible political decisions. They decided to hide from the mob coming
after them by hiding in these five sentences. You are hired as a private sleuth to find each of them.
Can you find their last names in these five sentences?
1. Ice pops taste the best on hot afternoons.
2. The weird dictator said that he would build magenta dams.
3. The man told his mother that he wouldn’t be home for dinner.
4. I have to fill more of the holes our dog dug in the yard.
5. I was going to take the bus home, but I missed it.
ANSWER: Answers are indicated with capital letters:

1. Ice pops taste the best on hoT AFTernoons.
2. The weird dictator said that he would build magentA DAMS.
3. The man told his mother that he wouldn’t be home FOR Dinner.
4. I have to FILL MORE of the holes our dog dug in the yard.
5. I was going to take the BUS Home, but I missed it.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What phrase is illustrated here?
Injection 1: Rumour Shot
Patient: “That tickles.”
Injection 2: Hearsay Shot
Patient: “Didn’t feel it.”
Injection 3: Fact Shot
Patient: “Ouch!”

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇🙅😁

 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Friday, October 27, 2017.                 
Steven Wright one liners……..
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don’t get it…
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, . . .
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it
up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone
wouldn’t stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.
I didn’t have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone–it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Steven, why haven’t you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it.”
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”
Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” And I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall…
Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I’m not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[. I go down to the pet store — “Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.”
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased
all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… 

1.  Life is about making an impact, not making an income. –Kevin Kruse
2. Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. –Napoleon Hill
3. Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. –Albert Einstein
4. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that
has made all the difference.  –Robert Frost
5. I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse. –Florence Nightingale

6. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. –Wayne Gretzky
7. I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. –Michael Jordan
8. The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart
9. Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. –Babe Ruth
10. Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone
11. Life isn’t about getting and having, it’s about giving and being. –Kevin Kruse😎
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour,
the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”
“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.
“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”😐
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘If you build it, he will come.’
ANSWER: Field of Dreams! This saying was talking about building a baseball field so his Dad would come. 

 

Fridays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

‘As God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.’

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!🙏🙏🙏🙇
 
 
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the words that are empty by using words that will connect with the previous one.
EXAMPLE: Towel, Rack. (You have the words Towel and Rack, but when put together it becomes “Towel rack”.)
Try to connect petting to guard.
Petting
Z_ _
A_ _ _ _ _
C_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Guard
ANSWER: Petting  Zoo Animal  Crossing  Guard

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The U.S. Presidents made some horrible political decisions. They decided to hide from the mob coming after them by hiding in these five sentences. You are hired as a private sleuth to find each of them.
Can you find their last names in these five sentences?
1. Ice pops taste the best on hot afternoons.
2. The weird dictator said that he would build magenta dams.
3. The man told his mother that he wouldn’t be home for dinner.
4. I have to fill more of the holes our dog dug in the yard.
5. I was going to take the bus home, but I missed it.

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇

 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases

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WELCOME to Thursday, October 26, 2017.                   
Business one-liners……..  
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
If it doesn’t make sense, it’s either economics or psychology.
If it doesn’t work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it’s mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more
interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier. –H.L. Mencken
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It’s called marriage. — James Holt McGavran
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
Whenever you’re right, shut up. — Nash
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
“Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?” The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘They’re here.’
ANSWER: Poltergeist! A movie that scared the living daylights out of me.

 

Thursdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

‘If you build it, he will come.’

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD!🙏🙏🙏🙇
 
 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Why is K like a sunrise?
Why is L like a warm furnace?
Why is M a favorite with miners?
Why is N like a pig?
Why is O the only of five vowels that you can hear?
ANSWER: K is like a sunrise because it appears at the end of DARK.

L is like a warm furnace because it makes IT LIT.
M is a favorite with miners because it makes ORE MORE.
N is like a pig because it makes A STY NASTY.
O is the only one of the five vowels that you can hear because all the others are in AUDIBLE (INAUDIBLE).

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the words that are empty by using words that will connect with the previous one.
EXAMPLE: Towel, Rack. (You have the words Towel and Rack, but when put together it becomes “Towel rack”.)
Try to connect petting to guard.
Petting
Z_ _
A_ _ _ _ _
C_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Guard

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇

 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

armsWELCOME to Wednesday, October 25, 2017.                
Tips to improve your blogging writing skills……
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren’t necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. Henry Lawson
I don’t know half of you as well as I should like and I like
less than half of you half as well as you deserve. JRR Tolkien
A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.
Unknown
Intolerance will not be tolerated!
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems
with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end.  Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘You have no power over me.’
ANSWER: Labyrinth! A very good film with Jim Henson’s imagination and David Bowie’s great voice. 

 

Wednesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

‘They’re here.’

 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
What word when you remove the first letter and put it at the end, do you get the past tense of the word?
ANSWER: Eat. When you put the first letter of eat at the end, it forms ate (the past tense of the word).
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Why is K like a sunrise?
Why is L like a warm furnace?
Why is M a favorite with miners?
Why is N like a pig?
Why is O the only of five vowels that you can hear?
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, October 24, 2017.                
Woman’s translations..
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to
The wife says: I’n not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron
The wife says: You’re … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.
The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
Take my advice — I’m not using it.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I make progress by having people around me who are smarter than I am and
listening to them. And I assume that everyone is smarter about something than I am. —-Henry J. Kaiser
The glass is neither half full nor half empty. The size of the glass could be more appropriate.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I’m beginning to believe it.
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’ –Don Marquis
In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
He who can, does – He who cannot, teaches. George Bernard Shaw
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”😎
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 ‘This town needs an enema!’
ANSWER: Batman! The BEST comic book film ever made. 

 

Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

‘You have no power over me.’

 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you decipher this common phrase?
eyeeseeexcept
ANSWER: I before E except after C 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
What word when you remove the first letter and put it at the end, do you get the past tense of the word?
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, October 23, 2017.                   
A man’s translations….
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated:* “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated:* “I have no idea how it works.”
“TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated:* “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated:* “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated:* “I remember the theme song to ‘Star Wars,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated:* “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated:* “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated:* “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated:* “What did you catch me at?”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated:* “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Translated:* “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…
“A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a
local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking,
‘I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming supplies at an
airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as ‘single.'” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.
“No problem,” the teacher told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came,
and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.
“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” the professor insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”   “I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?”
“I don’t know any of these people,” the student exclaimed. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”😐
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Finally! A man who can satisfy two women at once!’
ANSWER: Roxanne! Very funny remake of ‘Cyrano de Bergerac’ starring Steve Martin.

 

Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??  

  ‘This town needs an enema!’
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
If you have played Might and Magic (a computer game), then you have encountered the Vowel-less Knights,
a strange group who speak without vowels. It is up to you to decipher what they are saying.
In their tradition then, what are the following sayings?
1) shll rtrn.
2) Th sht hrd rnd th wrld.
3) Cm p nd s m smtm.
ANSWER: 1) I shall return. Bonus: General MacArthur, when he left the Philippines. Side note: He did.

2) The shot heard around the world. Bonus: This phrase was used by the press of the day to describe the first time American soldiers fought the British, as the British troops marched through Lexington on their way to Concord, and history.
3) Come up and see me sometime.
Bonus: Mae West, arguably the most popular USO entertainer and pinup girl of WW2.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you decipher this common phrase?
eyeeseeexcept
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇🙇🙇🙇
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/