Steven Wright one liners……..
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don’t get it…
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, . . .
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it
up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone
wouldn’t stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.
I didn’t have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone–it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Steven, why haven’t you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it.”
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”
Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” And I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall…
Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I’m not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[]][][[[[. I go down to the pet store — “Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.”
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased
all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!