Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Wednesday, July 26, 2017.                            
Calling in Sick..
Actual reasons people have called in sick.
Employee’s cervix was hurting (from a male employee).
Employee said that a hit man was looking for him.
The Chargers lost on Sunday, so I needed Monday to recover.
Employee’s sobriety device wouldn’t allow his car to start.
I got sick from my puppy.
Employee had headache after going to too many garage sales.
My false teeth flew out the window as I was driving.
A deer bit me (during hunting season).
Employee forgot he was hired for the job.
Employee was in line at a coffee shop when a delivery truck backed up and dumped flour into her convertible.
Employee claimed her bus was delayed; she produced a note signed by the driver.
Employee said his hair was hurting his head.
I quit smoking and I’m grouchy.
Employee thought she had won the lottery, but it turns out she didn’t.
Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
I’m too fat to get into my work pants.
Employee claimed her dog was having a nervous breakdown.
A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.
Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.
Employee’s wife said he couldn’t come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
I cut my fingernails too short, they’re bleeding and I have to go to the doctor.
One of the walls in the employee’s home fell off the night before.
Employee’s dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.
Employee’s mother was in jail.
My wheelchair broke down.
God didn’t wake me.
A skunk got into the employee’s house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
Employee’s toe got caught in a faucet.
It’s way too cold outside to leave the house.
It’s way too nice outside to be in the office.
I had tickets for Sunday’s race but it was rained out, so they’re running it today.
Employee blew his nose so hard that his back went out.
Employee’s horses got loose and were running down the highway.
Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
Employee said a bird bit her.
Employee’s dog swallowed her bus pass.
My house lock jammed, and I’m locked in.
Employee was sad.
My cow bit me.
Employee was spit on by a venomous snake.
Employee was upset after watching “The Hunger Games”.
Employee had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
Employee had to ship his grandmother’s bones to India.
I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
Employee’s bus broke down and was held up by robbers.I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn’t find my shoes.
I got sick from reading too much.
I hurt myself bowling.
I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.
My boyfriend’s snake got loose and I’m afraid to leave the bedroom.
A hit man was looking for me.
The ghosts in my house kept me up all night.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I got lost driving and ended up in another state.
My hair is still orange from Halloween.
I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn’t wake it up.
I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself.
I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
I forgot what day of the week it was.
I forgot I was getting married today.
Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
I received a threatening phone call from the power company, so I needed to report it to the FBI.
A tree fell on my car.
My monkey died.
My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can’t get it out.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… 
When will all the rhetorical questions end? – George Carlin
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. – Joan Rivers
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. – Willy Wonka
Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re probably right. – Henry Ford
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. – Bob Hope
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner
You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give – Winston Churchill
If a man hasn’t discovered something that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live. – Martin Luther King Jr.
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn’t take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, “I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“When I introduce you, and I tell them who you are, I don’t think anyone will stay for dinner.”
ANSWER: Meet Joe Black! Starring Brad Pitt (Joe), Anthony Hopkins (William), and Claire Forlani
(Susan). When William must introduce Joe to his family, this is what he says.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 “May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us — may God turn their hearts. And if
He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
There are five doors, one leads to the exit, the others lead to traps. They are in a line. The clues tell you
which position the doors are in the line and where the door to freedom is. All the clues are true.
Each door has a clue written on it. The clues read:
The blue door: This door is two spots away from the door to freedom.
The red door: This door is at the far right, and is two spots away from the blue door.
The purple door: This door is not next to the door to freedom.
The green door: This door is left of the blue door.
The orange door: This door is not next to the red or blue doors.
Which door leads to freedom?
ANSWER: The orange door leads to freedom.

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….    
Insert one word in each pair to link the two words together. The end of the first word is the beginning of the second.
1. Rain___Tie
2. Tooth__Tale
3. Sea____Hole
4. Circuit__Yard
5. Third___Board
6. Stone__Flower
7. High___Star
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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