Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, July 17, 2017.                          
Rita Rudner’s Facts About Men……………… 
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door
when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and
say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget, he didn’t lose your number, he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES…
“A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media
to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit.” -Seth Meyers
“In North Carolina, a mother is suing a daycare center because one of the workers there
breastfed her son without permission. Authorities say she doesn’t really have a case because her son is 32.” -Conan O’Brien
“A new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are
more likely to have better relationships. They say it inspires better communication – on the
ride home, when you talk about how much you hated the other couple.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
“I had just the worst day,” replied the man. “This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and
damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.
“On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’
“The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'”😐
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
“I don’t think you’re any fouer than anybody else.”
ANSWER: Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Starring Audrey Hepburn (Holly), George Peppard (Paul),
and Patricia Neal (2-E). Paul’s response when Holly asks him if he thinks she’s crazy.
 
                   
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 “I’m not deprived, I’m delinquent…there’s a difference, you know.”
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
There are five people. One of them shot and killed one of the other five. Which man is the murderer?
1. Dan ran in the NY City marathon yesterday with one of the innocent men.
2. Mike considered being a farmer before he moved to the city.
3. Jeff is a topnotch computer consultant and wants to install Ben’s new computer next week.
4. The murderer had his leg amputated last month.
5. Ben met Jack for the first time six months ago.
6. Jack has been in seclusion since the crime.
7. Dan used to drink heavily.
8. Ben and Jeff built their last computers together.
9. The murderer is Jack’s brother. They grew up together in Seattle.
ANSWER: 1. Jack is not the murderer, because he is the brother of the murderer. 2. Dan can’t be the murderer since he ran a marathon, and the murderer recently had his leg amputated, and wouldn’t be running a marathon of any magnitude that quickly. 3. Ben is not the murderer if he just met Jack, since Jack and the murderer grew up together. 4. This leaves Jeff and Mike. Since Jeff is still alive (he wants to install a new computer next week, present tense) he must be the murderer. Mike also didn’t grow up with Jack. It has been determined that Jack, Dan and Jeff are all alive. Ben must also be alive since Jeff plans to install Ben’s computer next week. This means that Jeff killed Mike.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
There was a man who went to the mall and he bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. Another man who already bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks came back to return his 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. They are both blind. As they were walking they bumped into each other. All the socks scattered around the floor, but each pair remained held together by a rubber band. Nobody helped them pick it up except each other, but in 3 minutes they both put them back altogether. Each man ended up with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white. How is that possible if they are blind?

  

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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