Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, May 8, 2017.           

Funny medical definitions:
Benign – what you be after you be eight.
Artery – the study of paintings.
Bacteria – back door to the cafeteria.
Barium – what doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize – caught her eye.
Colic – a dog like Lassie.
Coma – a punctuation mark.
D&C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – living a long time.
Enema – not a friend.
Fester – quicker than someone else.
Fibula – a small lie.
Genital – non-Jewish person.
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on.
Impotent – distinguished and well known.
Labor pain – getting hurt at work.
Medical staff – a doctor’s cane.
Morbid – an offer higher than the one I bid.
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – a patient who has fainted.
Pap smear – a fatherhood test.
Post operative – the mailman.
Rectum – darn near killed him.
Secretion – hiding something.
Tablet – a small table.
Tumor – more than one.
Urine – opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – nearby.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES…  
“As part of a limited campaign, McDonald’s is offering forks made from French fries. Not to be outdone, Long John Silver’s began offering seafood made from fish.” -Conan O’Brien
“American Airlines recently announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they’ll be cutting legs. ‘We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!'” -Seth Meyers
“Apple has announced that it’ll be removing the handgun emoji from its smartphones and replacing it with an emoji of a squirt gun. In case you weren’t paying attention, there are now more restrictions on gun emojis in the United States than on actual guns.” -James Corden
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Two grave diggers are working in a cemetery in Vienna one night, when they hear scuffling coming from one of the graves. At first they are terrified, but morbid curiosity gets the better of them and they unearth the grave. They hear some hushed rubbing and scraping sounds coming from inside the coffin. Hands shaking,  they pull off the lid. Inside; they find Beethoven’s skeleton, furiously erasing notes off of old scores.
“Wha-,” one of the grave diggers is petrified, “What are you doing, Herr Beethoven?”
The ghoulish composer looks up, with empty eyes sockets, and says, “What does it look like? I’m decomposing!”😎

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 

 ‘I am thinking, I want you. That’s all. I want you.’

 

ANSWER: French Kiss! Spoken by Luc (Kevin Kline) to Kate (Meg Ryan) as she is about to leave Paris. Director Lawrence Kasdan asked Ryan to cut her hair short for this movie, and since then she has set trends with her short hairstyles.
 
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? 
‘What better job in the world than to build a bridge? Bring land over water, bring worlds together.’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….  
Henry and Gretchen are going to play a game. Henry explains, “You and I will take turns saying numbers. The first person will say a number between 1 and 10. Then the other person will say a number that is at least 1 higher than that number, and at most 10 higher. We will keep going back and forth in this way until one of us says the number 50. That person wins. I’ll start.”
“Not so fast!” says Gretchen. “I want to win, so I will start.”
What number should Gretchen say to start?

 

 

ANSWER: She wants to say, “6.” The series of numbers she will say is 6, 17, 28, 39, 50. Since she wants to say 50, she needs Henry to say a number between 40 and 49. Therefore, she wants to say 39.

Knowing she wants to say 39, she needs Henry to say a number between 29 and 38. So she wants to say 28. Following this same logic recursively, she will want to say 17, and she will want to say 6 to start the game, and be assured victory.

Monday’s Quizzler is……….  

I’m full of keys whenever I’m made
I came about wooden when the Renaissance played
Hundreds of years later, I was divided
And two new keys to me were provided
Then in 1760, and that’s forty years later
Three keys were added by Florio, Gedney, and Potter
Around the 80’s of the century mentioned
I was used by Mozart and Haydn
Over the years, new keys were gained
In the 1830’s, Beethoven used me to entertain
Near the end of the 1800’s, or the 19th century
I was used by Brahms, Strauss, and Tchaikovsky
Now, modern renditions are made of me
Without my holes, I wouldn’t be
What am I?
  
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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