WELCOME to Tuesday, March 7, 2017.
1. What flies through the jungle singing opera? The parrots of Penzance.
2. ‘Did you hear about the dog who went to a flea circus?’ ‘No, what happened?’ ‘He stole the show.’
3. A cannibal caught a missionary in the jungle. He said to him, ‘What’s the best way to eat you? Boiled or roasted?’ The missionary said, ‘To tell you the truth, I’m a friar.’
4. How did Quasimodo know the end was near? He had a hunch.
5. My brother came running in and said, ‘Mum, there’s a man outside with a broken arm called Brian.’ My mum said, ‘That’s a funny name for a broken arm.’
6. My mum was in hospital, and the doctor said, ‘Listen, I want you to drink a Guinness after your bath every day.’ My mum said, ‘If I drink my bath I won’t have room for a Guinness.’
7. My brother said, ‘I want a job as a human cannonball.’ I said, ‘I’ll bet you get fired.’
8. What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
9. Give me a sentence with the word “analyze” in it. My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o’clock.
10. What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? The No-bell Prize.
11. Mary climbed on Dave’s “Stagecoach” bus with seven kids. Dave asked her, ‘Are these all yours, Missus? Or is it a picnic?’ ‘They’re all mine’ Mary replied. ‘And I can assure you that it’s no picnic.’
12. One 11-year old wrote, “When my mother opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.”
13. One day at school, Moira is talking to her best friend Tara. ‘Tara, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry?’ [garbage truck] ‘No I haven’t,’ replies Tara. ‘Don’t worry,’ continues Moira, ‘it’s only a load of rubbish.
14. Louise, aged 11, was asked the difference between Madame and Mademoiselle in her French lesson at Mayville High School. ‘Monsieur.’ Louise answered.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… “Snapchat’s IPO launched on the stock market yesterday. Or, to put it another way, something that your parents don’t understand just launched on something YOU don’t understand.” -Jimmy Fallon
“In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it.” -Conan O-Brien
“A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, “Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars.”
“I’m sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?”
“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear.”
“Well, you can’t be disappointed with that!”
“Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars.”
“Incredible… so how come you look so glum?”
“Well, this week…nothing!”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”
ANSWER: Labyrinth! Spoken by Jareth, King of the Goblins (David Bowie) to Sarah (Jennifer Connelly). The whimsical tale of a young girl drawn into a magical world of Jim Henson creatures. Starring: David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “When you borrow something and don’t tell anyone, they call that stealing.”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Six words have had their mammals removed. The mammals have been placed into Group A. The remaining letters of each word have been placed into Group B. Your task is to reconstitute the words by merging each mammal with the proper set of letters. Other than merging the two groups together, there is no rearranging of the letters. Example: sand + pne = spanned (SpANneD).
Group A: bear, cow, dog, mole, pig, seal
Group B: cais, ial, ostn, phric, rded, rthe
bear + rthe = breather (BrEAtheR)
cow + rded = crowded (CrOWded)
dog + ial = dialog (DialOG)
mole + cais = camisole (caMisOLE)
pig + ostn = posting (PostInG)
seal + phric = spherical (SphEricAL)
Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. Which noun, from group B, belongs in group A? Why?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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