Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, March 6, 2017.                      

Here’s the story………… 
Don’t Mess with Older Women
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE  AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, “HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?”
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, “NO, I NEVER DID DANCE… NEVER REALLY WANTED TO.” A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, “WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU’RE GONNA DANCE NOW,” AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN’S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR — NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN’S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, “SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE’S BEHIND?”
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, “NO M’AM… BUT….
I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.”
There are a few lessons here for all of us:
Never be arrogant.
Don’t waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid…
And that’s a fact! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES… “Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent.” -Seth Meyers

“Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples.” -Conan O-Brien
“Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car.” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, “What do you use to feed your pigs?”  “Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they shouldn’t eat wastes.” Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, “Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?”
“Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.” And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: “Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want.”

 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???   “You call this a happy family? Why’d we have to have all these kids for anyways?”

ANSWER: It’s A Wonderful Life! Spoken by George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) to Mary Bailey (Donna Reed). The classic Christmas tale of a man contemplating suicide who has a chance to see what the world would have been like without him. Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed, Thomas Mitchell, Lionel Barrymore, and Henry Travers.
 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Each statement describes two words that when fused together create a new unrelated word (not a compound word). The clues do not necessarily indicate in which order the two words are attached. Example: This is the oldness of a tablet (pill + age = pillage).
1) This is a royal golf score.
2) This is what you get from a bovine tongue.
3) This is a distant object.
4) This is a country of water barriers.

ANSWER: 1) par + king = parking
2) cow + lick = cowlick
3) far + thing = farthing
4) dam + nation = damnation
 

 

 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is………. Six words have had their mammals removed. The mammals have been placed into Group A. The remaining letters of each word have been placed into Group B. Your task is to reconstitute the words by merging each mammal with the proper set of letters. Other than merging the two groups together, there is no rearranging of the letters. Example: sand + pne = spanned (SpANneD).

Group A: bear, cow, dog, mole, pig, seal
Group B: cais, ial, ostn, phric, rded, rthe

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD! GREAT SOLVING JOB KIM! 🙇🙇🙇

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

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