Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, February 20, 2017.              

 THE AGING PROCESS……..
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on…
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air….
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday day people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…“The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps.” -Conan O’Brien

“Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool – the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers.” -Seth Meyers
“A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, ‘Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.'” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

“Do you like my dress? It’s awfully heavy.”

ANSWER: High Society! Spoken by Tracy Lord (Grace Kelly) to C.K. Dexter-Haven (Bing Crosby). A musical remake of the 1940 film “The Philadelphia Story”, this film tells the story of a debutante engaged to one man, but finding herself drawn to her ex-husband. Starring: Grace Kelly, Bing Crosby, and Frank Sinatra.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Never being happy isn’t the same as being unhappy. Is it?”

 

 

 

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What do the following words have in common?
Vermont
Statuesque
Swedish
Arthur’s
Africa
Sensation
Misunderstood

ANSWER: They each contain an abbreviation of a weekday.

verMONt
staTUESque
sWEDish
arTHUR’S
aFRIca
senSATion
miSUNderstood

Monday’s Quizzler is………. 

Camp Pineveiw’s cook, Margaret Johnson, was just about to begin preparing the picnic lunch for all the campers. She already knew she needed to fill 55 bowls of the same size and capacity with the same amount of food. When she was done, she decided to read the guidelines for the picnic, just out of curiosity. The guidelines said:
1. Every camper gets their own bowl of soup.
2. Every two campers will get one bowl of spaghetti to share.
3. Every three campers will get one bowl of salad to share.
4. All campers are required to have their own helping of salad, spaghetti, and soup.
After some rapid calculations, Margaret was able to figure out how many campers were going to the picnic. Can you?

     

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

 

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