Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, January 9, 2016.  

A woman’s dictionary
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!

Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…

Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams for the first time. Today I asked her to marry me. She said ‘no’ both times.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
If I could become invisible, I would go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the crap out of him. The round of applause he would get would be amazing.

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Well, color me happy! There’s a sofa in here for two!’

ANSWER: Pretty Woman! Spoken by Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) to Edward Lewis (Richard Gere).  
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Great balls of fire! Don’t bother me anymore, and don’t call me Sugar!’ -Vivien Leigh

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Put 2 of Group B into Group A:
A:
Coelus
Aphrodite
Cronus
Poseidon
Hades
Zeus
B:
Hermes
Persephone
Hercules
Ares
Cupid
Ulysses

ANSWER:  

Hermes and Ares would both fit into Group A because they are both the Greek mythological name of a planet.
Coelus- Uranus
Aphrodite- Venus
Cronus- Saturn
Poseidon- Neptune
Hades- Pluto
Zeus- Jupiter
Ares- Mars
Hermes- Mercury


 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is………. 

Can you tell me what word goes in front of all of these words?

river
belly
stone
pages

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

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