WELCOME to THURsday, December 8, 2016.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said,
‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something
T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t
need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said,
‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“There’s a new workout where people crawl like a baby. It’s a new thing, because it strengthens your core while working your shoulders and hips. In response, babies were like, ‘Have you seen our bodies?'” -Jimmy Fallon
“On Saturday, the hearse carrying Fidel Castro’s remains broke down and had to be pushed. The hearse was being driven by Cuba’s minister of metaphors.” -Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump has announced another Cabinet position. Dr. Ben Carson, who ran against him in the primary, has been nominated for secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Trump actually first announced this in a tweet, and it becomes official as soon as Congress retweets it. I think that’s how the U.S. government works nowadays.” -James Corden
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.
The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.
Wearily I walked back to the station. “You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
“Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?”
Nigel: [pause] “These go to eleven.”
ANSWER: From “This is Spinal Tap” – 1984.
Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Check, charge or cash?”
“Cash. Make it out to Jack´s Demolition, Tucson.”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
I am one simple word, but I mean different things
One of my meanings brings great forceful swings,
The other of me, may have curve, like the first…
But only one meaning can help quench a thirst.
One of my meanings will often bring cheers,
Either of them could hold a few beers.
What word am I?
ANSWER: A pitcher
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Name an English word of more than 2 letters that both begins and ends with the letters “he” in that order. There are two possible answers. “hehe” is not acceptable.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE BANKS!
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. www.GodLovesPraise.com, www.stlzoo.org