WELCOME to Monday, December 5, 2016.
The Economy is So Bad That:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs
If we purchase a computer it will go to India
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan
If we purchase something useless it will go to Taiwan……..whoops, sorry………………………….
and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy
beer and cigarettes, since these are the only products still produced in the USA.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“In other weird Japanese news – or as they call it in Japan, news – there are now plans for a park in Japan that will be a combination of a hot springs spa and an amusement park. It either sounds nice or like a sanitary nightmare.” -James Corden
“Two Connecticut residents stole over $1,000 worth of candles from the Yankee Candle Village. The suspects are being described as white.” -Conan O’Brien
“Tonight was the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Thousands of people waited for hours in the cold just to go, ‘Cool. OK, back to the hotel, let’s go back to the hotel.'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You shut up. I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!”
From “The Producers – 1968.
Mel Brooks’ best movie ever.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
Giacomo/Hawkins: “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace holds the brew that is true.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the answers to the clues by using all the syllables provided. Each syllable will only be used once. The number of syllables that will be used in each clue will be in parentheses.
A AC AD BUT CUP DEM HES I IC IS IS LA LAZ LEG LI MIN TANT TER TION TOR TRA U
1. Yellow flower (3)
2. Director (5)
3. Lapis ___ (3)
4. Lawmaking (4)
5. Undecided (3)
6. Scholar (4)
1. Buttercup (but ter cup)
2. Administrator (ad min is tra tor)
3. Lazuli (laz u li)
4. Legislation (leg is la tion)
5. Hesitant (hes i tant)
6. Academic (ac a dem ic)
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Three Paley brothers and three Thomson brothers operate a company that manufactures lie detectors. Three of these six men always tell the truth, and three always tell lies; neither set of brothers consists exclusively of liars. Some recent statements from the six men are recorded below. Can you find the six men’s full names, and tell which men tell the truth and which tell lies?
1. Alan: “Both my brothers tell lies.”
2. Boris: “Both my brothers tell the truth.”
3: Chuck: “Alan and Boris are both liars.”
4. Dalman: “Chuck and I are brothers.”
5. Edwin: “Boris and I are brothers.”
6. Finney: “Edwin tells the truth.”
7. Finney: “Boris is one of the Paleys.”
TODAY’S QUIZZLER GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS, OUR RESIDENT SUPER SOLVER!
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in tuesDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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