Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, November 21, 2016.   

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right–only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they look good.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…   

“A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, ‘Why aren’t you trying to cure cancer?'” -Seth Meyers
“In the U.K., they’re launching an official Quidditch League, with eight teams competing across the country. It’s the first sports league where everyone has an equal chance of being a loser.” -Conan O’Brien
“McDonald’s is unveiling something called a Nutella burger at its locations in Italy. This goes against the traditional way of eating Nutella, which is with two fingers in the dark while crying at 3 a.m.” -James Corden

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”


Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “The suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts.” 

ANSWER: From “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” – 1971.

“So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.”

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “We’re trying to make a movie here, not a film!”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….   

A boy was in detention from talking too much when the teacher was talking. The detention teacher said, “You have to produce a 1000 word essay in 30 seconds…GO!!”  The boy actually did it. How?  Note: he did not just write “A 1000 word essay” on his paper. You’ll have to be a little more clever than that.

ANSWER:  The boy knew the common saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” so he drew a picture.

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Only a small space and a single mark turns a deadly situation into a funny one.
What can that be?

 

 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

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