Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, November 30, 2016.   

I Don’t Want To Be A Doctor For The Following Reasons….
If I were a pathologist I’d be in a dead end job.
If I were a biologist I’d be in jeans all the time.
Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can’t stand podiatry.
I can’t see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I’m too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
I’m told pediatrics is child’s play.
I haven’t got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they’d see right through me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn’t face it if I were a dermatologist.
I’m not cut out to be a surgeon.
If I weren’t such a baby, I’d become a gynecologist.
It’s been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I’d rather be a plumber than a urologist.
If I were a petrologist I’d always be behind in my career.
I haven’t got the spine to be a chiropractor.
The chiropractor called Mrs Levy saying, “Mrs Levy, your check came back.” Mrs Levy responded, “So did my arthritis!”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…

“The good people at Butterball have been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save a turkey’s life.” -Stephen Colbert
“I heard that AMC will broadcast a marathon of the entire ‘Godfather’ trilogy on Thanksgiving. So if you want to watch a dramatic family falling apart on Thanksgiving – now you’ve got TWO ways to do that.” -Jimmy Fallon
Last Thursday WAS Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them for all the things you said when you got drunk.” -Jimmy Kimmel

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A woman who got it into her head that a fresh turkey produced a far superior meal to a frozen one made a trek out to a turkey farm to buy a live bird. But after returning home and looking square into the eyes of the living, breathing creature she’d just purchased, she just couldn’t bring herself to kill it by wringing its neck or chopping off its head. Instead, she managed to put the turkey to sleep with chloroform and then began the process of dry-plucking it. Just as she finished removing the last of the feathers, however, the bird woke up.
The next-door neighbors responded to her shouts and arrived at her back door to find a woman being chased around her kitchen by an angry, naked turkey.


Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 

Person 1: “I’m going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star!”
Person 2: “You don’t go to Bombay to become a movie star. You go where we’re going: Hollywood!”
Person 1: “Sure, if you want to do it the easy way!”
ANSWER: From “The Muppet Movie” – 1979.  I miss Jim Henson…

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “She’s gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.”

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….  
Find an anagram for each word in Group A. Each anagram will answer one of the clues in Group B.

Group A
A. Shale
B. Pique
C. Nixed
D. Greet
E. Lodge

Group B
1. White heron
2. Provide gear
3. Eyed suggestively
4. Dog’s lead
5. Alphabetical reference

ANSWER: 

A. Shale = (4) Leash
B. Pique = (2) Equip
C. Nixed = (5) Index
D. Greet = (1) Egret
E. Lodge = (3) Ogled

Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 

There are two groups of three-letter words used in the sentences below. The first missing words of each sentence are anagrams of each other, and the second missing words are also anagrams of each other. Can you find them ?
1. It is only ____ that we use a trap to catch a ____, instead of having a cat in the house!
2. To staunch the bleeding from a wound suffered by an animal, people used to ____ some hot ____ onto the wound at one time.
3. To ____ into the mysteries held within the human psyche and enjoy these mysteries to the fullest, is the objective of any ____.


TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! INCREDIBLE SOLVING BANKS!                    

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

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Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, November 29, 2016.   

Punning around….. 
A mushroom walked into a bar and announced:
“The drinks are on me!”
The bartender said, “Why are you buying everyone drinks?”
“Because I’m a fungi.”
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers.
What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody’s fool.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat patty.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old doctors never die, they just lose patience.
Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world.
Old skiers never die, they just go downhill.
Old college deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…   

“Victoria’s Secret opened at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving and stayed open all the way through Black Friday. Because if there’s one thing people want to do, it’s stuff their faces all day, and then try on lingerie.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Apple’s top designer has created a special Christmas tree that does not feature any lights or decorations. Said the designer, ‘I didn’t know this was due today.'” -Seth Meyers
“Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. ” -James Corden

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”


Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 

Muerte: “My name… is MUERTE!”
Jeff: “Nice to meet you Morty, my name is Jeff.” 
ANSWER: From “Undercover Blues” – 1993.

Dennis Quaid and Kathleen Turner as married covert agents.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? 

Person 1: “I’m going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star!”
Person 2: “You don’t go to Bombay to become a movie star. You go where we’re going: Hollywood!”
Person 1: “Sure, if you want to do it the easy way!”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….  

Substitute one letter for the first letter in both words in the pairs to make two new words. Insert that new letter into the appropriate blank below the problem to spell a word.
Tall—Label
Bound—Cough
Slit—Him
All—Are
Rose—Tether

ANSWER: The new letters line up to make the new word BRAIN!

Ball—Babel = B

Round—Rough = R
Alit—Aim = A
Ill—Ire = I
Nose—Nether = N

Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 

Find an anagram for each word in Group A. Each anagram will answer one of the clues in Group B.

Group A
A. Shale
B. Pique
C. Nixed
D. Greet
E. Lodge

Group B
1. White heron
2. Provide gear
3. Eyed suggestively
4. Dog’s lead
5. Alphabetical reference


 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, November 28, 2016.     

Favorite Police Emergency Calls: 
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn….
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…   

“The TSA just released a list of Thanksgiving leftovers that you can carry on and others you have to check, saying you can bring turkey on the plane but not gravy. Which will explain things when you’re at airport security and you see a bunch of people chugging their gravy next to a trash can.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.” -Seth Meyers
“A man in New Orleans could be facing a life sentence for stealing $31 worth of candy from a drug store. I feel for this guy. That has got to be a tough conversation once you’re in prison. ‘Yeah, I’m in for armed robbery and arson, what about you?’ ‘Oh, you know, the new peanut butter Twix.'” -James Corden

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this: “Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don’t like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food.”


Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You made a woman meow?!?” 

ANSWER: From “When Harry Met Sally” – 1989.

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? 

Muerte: “My name… is MUERTE!”
Jeff: “Nice to meet you Morty, my name is Jeff.”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   Enter words into the following word chain such that each pair of words in the chain forms a compound word. No word can appear in the chain more than one time. Each “?” represents a missing word. Example: girl ? ? shape = girl friend ship shape = girlfriend friendship shipshape.

waist ? tail ? ? side ? ? fall ? ? down ? ? spring ? ? ? hole  

ANSWER: waist coat tail gate way side arm pit fall out put down cast off spring time line man hole

Monday’s Quizzler is………. 

Substitute one letter for the first letter in both words in the pairs to make two new words. Insert that new letter into the appropriate blank below the problem to spell a word.
Tall—Label
Bound—Cough
Slit—Him
All—Are
Rose—Tether


 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, November 23, 2016.  

Thanksgiving One Liners
I’m excited about Thanksgiving because I love unwelcome parenting advice from relatives I see twice a year.
Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.
My husband doesn’t think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.
You have to smoke a couple of bowls before Thanksgiving dinner. I can’t think of a better time to have the munchies.
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
If you didn’t want to sit at the kids’ table then you shouldn’t have seen the new Twilight movie.
I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium.
You don’t need Thanksgiving to hate your family.
If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment ….. halftime.
They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse or Stuffing-cide.
Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it’s in the oven.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Hope your Turkey is moist and your stuffing in fluffy and when you’re done eating you’ll be nice and stuffy.
Happy Turkey Day, America! Don’t forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…   

“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.”
–George Carlin
“Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.”
–Mark Twain
“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
–Groucho Marx

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out. The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”


Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 

Man 1: “Would you give me a hand with the bags?”
Man 2: [doing a Groucho Marx imitation] “Certainly, you take the blonde and I’ll take the one in the turban.”
ANSWER: From “Young Frankenstein” – 1974.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You made a woman meow?!?”

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….  

Some people believe that January 1, 2000 is the first day of the 21st century. Other people believe that the honor belongs to January 1, 2001. But everyone should agree that January 1, 2002 is the first “sum-day” of the new century- when you write out that date in standard notation, it becomes 01/01/02, and 1+1=2. More generally, a sum-day is a date in which the day and month add up to the year. With that in mind:
A) What is the last sum-day of the 21st century?
B) How many sum-days are there in the 21st century? 

ANSWER: A) The last sum-day of the 21st century is December 31, 2043, because 12+31=43, and both the month and day are as big as possible.  B) This one is much easier than you might think. The correct answer is 365, because every day in a standard (non-leap) year is part of a sum-day for some year. For example, November 26 is a sum-day for the year 2037, because 11+26=37. The only date for which this principle doesn’t work is the leap day, February 29. That’s because 2+29=31, but 2031 is not a leap year.

Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 

Enter words into the following word chain such that each pair of words in the chain forms a compound word. No word can appear in the chain more than one time. Each “?” represents a missing word. Example: girl ? ? shape = girl friend ship shape = girlfriend friendship shipshape.
waist ? tail ? ? side ? ? fall ? ? down ? ? spring ? ? ? hole


 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, November 22, 2016.  

Here’s the story…. 
People have long suspected that two holidays a year, meaningful conversation twice a week and cuddles eleven times in a fortnight are among the secrets to a happy marriage and now a study has shown it to be true.
Recent research among 2,000 happily married couples has identified the main ingredients for successful unions. It indicates quite clearly that couples benefit from taking a short break away together twice a year and eating out in restaurants at least three times a month.
Furthermore, it pays to be affectionate, as wedded folk tend to share a lingering kiss six times a week, and say ‘I love you’ up to nine times a fortnight.
However, the research points out that it doesn’t need to be sweetness and light the whole time; as the average happy couple has at least one healthy argument a week.
The survey also shows that while couples like to have drinks at the local bar together three times a month, there will also be a couple of girls and boys nights as well, where people can enjoy a night out with friends instead of their other half.
Happily married couples tend to make time for at least five movie nights at home, in contrast to their usual evenings spent fighting over the remote control or disagreeing about what to watch.
Also we can state that most men and women will make little romantic gestures – such as cooking a nice meal, or taking their spouse a cup of tea in bed – three times a month.
Interestingly, falling in love with a partner on first sight is NOT indicative that a relationship is meant to be, as only 42% of happy couples say this was the case. As we have recognized for many years it is friendship that is important, as 47% of those people polled say they were friends with a partner before they became an item, and then eventually married.
Other contributors to a successful marriage include making quality time for each other (50%), supporting each other (49%) and being kind (39%).
A fifth of couples make a point of never going to bed on an argument, and 21% say the key to a happy marriage is to try to turn a blind eye to irritating habits.
Knowing when to say sorry is a big step in the right direction for 33% of people, while 35% claim to be happy because they share the household chores out equally.
Compromising on the television schedule, being honest, retaining a degree of secrecy and accepting each other’s faults all play a part in a happy marriage.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…   

“Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, ‘I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation.’ While Biden said, ‘If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“A woman has been charged with filing a false police report after posting that she had been kidnapped on Facebook. People grew suspicious when the woman ‘liked’ her own kidnapping.” -Conan O’Brien
“Nissan is now offering a limited-edition version of its Rogue SUV to promote the new movie ‘Star Wars: Rogue One’ featuring a collectible helmet, because nothing says ‘great car’ like a complimentary helmet. -Seth Meyers

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
“So what changed your mind?” I asked him.
“I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?!'”


Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “We’re trying to make a movie here, not a film!”   ANSWER: From “Bowfinger” – 1999. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? 

Man 1: “Would you give me a hand with the bags?”
Man 2: [doing a Groucho Marx imitation] “Certainly, you take the blonde and I’ll take the one in the turban.”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….    

Only a small space and a single mark turns a deadly situation into a funny one.
What can that be? 

ANSWER: With a small space and an apostrophe you can change a “manslaughter” into a “man’s laughter”.  

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Some people believe that January 1, 2000 is the first day of the 21st century. Other people believe that the honor belongs to January 1, 2001. But everyone should agree that January 1, 2002 is the first “sum-day” of the new century- when you write out that date in standard notation, it becomes 01/01/02, and 1+1=2. More generally, a sum-day is a date in which the day and month add up to the year. With that in mind:
A) What is the last sum-day of the 21st century?
B) How many sum-days are there in the 21st century?

 

 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, November 21, 2016.   

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right–only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they look good.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!


DAILY QUOTES…   

“A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, ‘Why aren’t you trying to cure cancer?'” -Seth Meyers
“In the U.K., they’re launching an official Quidditch League, with eight teams competing across the country. It’s the first sports league where everyone has an equal chance of being a loser.” -Conan O’Brien
“McDonald’s is unveiling something called a Nutella burger at its locations in Italy. This goes against the traditional way of eating Nutella, which is with two fingers in the dark while crying at 3 a.m.” -James Corden

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”


Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “The suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts.” 

ANSWER: From “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” – 1971.

“So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.”

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “We’re trying to make a movie here, not a film!”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….   

A boy was in detention from talking too much when the teacher was talking. The detention teacher said, “You have to produce a 1000 word essay in 30 seconds…GO!!”  The boy actually did it. How?  Note: he did not just write “A 1000 word essay” on his paper. You’ll have to be a little more clever than that.

ANSWER:  The boy knew the common saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” so he drew a picture.

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Only a small space and a single mark turns a deadly situation into a funny one.
What can that be?

 

 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

rhynoseriger_demotivational_by_neonvictorian-d393isa.jpg

WELCOME to Friday, November 18, 2016.   

Man’s Helpful Guide to Female Golfing Terms….
Caddy: 2 women talking about a 3rd, who isn’t there to defend herself.
Chip: Time to get our nails done again.
Double Bogie: ‘Casablanca’ followed by ‘African Queen’.
Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Good lie: Weight on our driver’s license.
Greens: Lunch we eat when you’d really prefer a cheeseburger.
Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
Slice: No thanks … just a small portion.
Par: The children’s grandfather.
Birdie: Another attractive female golfer.
Wood: Where you can find a ball.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!



DAILY QUOTES…   

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
Any husband who says. ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’,
is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage,
half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
My wife dresses to kill.
She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St Christopher was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Christopher to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.
Next, St Christopher led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Christopher rejoined, ‘But during your sermons people slept. When that taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’



Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? Juliet Forrest: “If you need me, just call. 

You know how to dial, don’t you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles.” 

ANSWER: From “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid” – 1982.

A little known Steve Martin and Carl Reiner masterpiece.

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “The suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts.”

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….   

P——-P
–L—L
—-A
–N—N
E——-E

ANSWER: Explain 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

A boy was in detention from talking too much when the teacher was talking. The detention teacher said, “You have to produce a 1000 word essay in 30 seconds…GO!!”  The boy actually did it. How?  Note: he did not just write “A 1000 word essay” on his paper. You’ll have to be a little more clever than that.

 

             

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org