Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, October 31, 2016. 

THE MODERN TOOLBOX:
Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light – A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.
Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

“There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock. So, the good news is: Your bike wasn’t stolen. The bad news: It’s covered in robber vomit.” -Conan O’Brien
“Last night was game one of the World Series and Taco Bell did a promotion where if a player stole a base, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco. And this is a great way for both players and fans to get a lot of runs.” -James Corden
“Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady’s man.” -Jimmy Kimmel

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Okay, picture this. Two brothers, one speaks no English, the other learned to speak English from watching the “Wide World of Sports”. So, you tell me, which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?”  

ANSWER: Better Off Dead! Lane Myer (John Cusack) said this about the pair of Japanese brothers who would pull alongside of him at the stoplight and want to drag race. Written and directed by Savage Steve Holland (“One Crazy Summer”, “How I Got Into College” and “Eek the Cat” TV series), “Better Off Dead” is probably the funniest movie that most people have never seen. Watch for the “Simpsons”-like quips and intracacies in the background. 
 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Mister Lizard, ha ha, would you like a hamburger?”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I’m a ten-letter word, but when I am heard,
I have only four, not one letter more.
My first two sounds are neat; a kind of sheet,
That starts with spread, not the kind on a bed.
Of my sounds, the third is what will be heard,
alphabetically, in the middle of modus operandi.
If you want to hear more, then like the shore,
I end at the sea, that’s a hint, you see.
What word am I?

ANSWER: Excellency (XLNC)

The four letters, XLNC, sound just like the ten-letter word excellency.
The first two sounds (XL) are the name of a spreadsheet program.
If you arrange the letters in modus operandi alphabetically (addeimNooprsu), the letter N is the middle letter. Also, modus operandi is usually written as an abbreviation, MO, which in the alphabet, would have an N in the middle.
The final letter (C) sounds like sea. Do you see?

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What is so incredible about the sentence below?
A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed, houghed, and hiccoughed.

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

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