Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, October 14, 2016.      

Profound Thoughts…. 

1) Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

2) If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.

3) If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

4) To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

5) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

6) If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. “Wait a minute! I thought we won!”

7) If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.

8) Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

9) To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

10) I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

11) Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and so is mankind.

12) If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

13) It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there rocking back and forth wanting that money.

14) I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary.

15) As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

16) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

18) I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.

19) Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is weird and the reason why I don’t like to read good books.

20) Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

21) During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”

22) When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

23) Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

24) If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

25) Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they ever believe me?

26) Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.

27) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx 

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield 

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx 

The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here. Chris Rock 

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. Warren Buffett 

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.

“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.  

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “When you get through the ’80s, you’ll find that the ’90s make the ’60s look like the ’50s.”  

ANSWER: Flashback! Huey Newton (Dennis Hopper) said this to John Buckner (Kiefer Sutherland) at the very end of this excellent movie from the 80s. Pretty cool soundtrack, too. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Thank you for the cookies. I’m really looking forward to tossing them.”

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

When telling a story
About flounder or dory,
I often end up far apart.
 
But when bowing your head
Or mourning your dead,
I’m together and close to your heart.
 
You may lend me or hold me
Or show me or fold me,
And all this is merely a start.
 
What am I? 
 

ANSWER: Hands! The first stanza and the title refer to the typical “fisherman’s tale” about the “one that got away”. In the second stanza, bowing your head refers to either praying or the Asian form of greeting. The mourning reference is to “wringing one’s hands”.

You can “lend a hand” and “hold someone’s hand”. In Poker, players show their hands to find who wins or fold their hand if it is no good. The last line refers to the many other uses of the word “hand”! 

The hint refers to other usages – bananas grow in hands, a horse’s height is measured in hands (4 inches), an assistant may be known as a hand (e.g. stagehand), and someone’s particular style of writing can be referred to as their “hand” (e.g. “leftclick has a very scrappy hand”).  

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

All except one of the following animals have something in common. What feature connects them? Which does not fit with the others in the list? 
 
Dog, Cat, Ape, Goat, Wolf, Badger, Monkey, Squirrel
 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

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