Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Never_Done

WELCOME to Thursday, October 6, 2016.       

Nearly Paraprosdokianisms…..

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you 

will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila (Diet Coke).

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Have a great day or pretend to!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.” -Mitch Hedberg

“Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?” –Lisa Claymen 

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” –Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” She wasn’t selected for the jury.Emoji 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Allison, I am bad! I am so bad! I am so bad I should be in detention.”  

ANSWER: Easy Money! Julio (Taylor Negron), with the help of his friend, a la Cyrano de Bergerac, said this to Allison (Jennifer Jason Leigh) when he tried to win back her love.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Who dumped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

 Ok, so here is the deal. One day, you get a call from some random guy who says “Next week, ABC stock is going to move up. I’m not asking you to buy any stock from me, but just take a look.” You do so (why not, it can’t hurt…) and he was correct. Sure enough, next week you get another call from the “Lucky Guesser”. His pick? “DEF is going to go down.” And guess what! He was right again!
 
For five weeks, this guy predicts the behavior of stocks. The sixth time he calls, he says, “I’ve been right the past five times. This time I have a stock for you and I do want you to buy some shares through me. What do you say?” 
 
Well, what do you say? Do you buy shares from this guy?
 

ANSWER: Heck no! He’s playing you like a puppet. The first week, he calls 100 people, says to half that ABC will go up, and to the other fifty claims it will go down. When ABC goes up, he called the fifty he’d correctly predicted to and told half DEF would go up, and half it would go down. By the time he’s at week five, he has a few people (2-4) thinking he’s a stock market god.

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

The answers to the following definitions all start with the prefix “para”. It might take a bit of lateral thinking to figure them out! For example, the definition: “Two places where a building is being constructed” would have the answer “Parasites”.
 
1. Two tender green plant growths
2. Two 10-cent pieces
3. Two male bovines
4. Two shark appendages
5. Two untruths
6. Two furry family members
BONUS: 
7. Two dorky guys from “New Joisey”
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!
NICE WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

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