Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, October 31, 2016. 

THE MODERN TOOLBOX:
Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light – A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.
Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

“There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock. So, the good news is: Your bike wasn’t stolen. The bad news: It’s covered in robber vomit.” -Conan O’Brien
“Last night was game one of the World Series and Taco Bell did a promotion where if a player stole a base, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco. And this is a great way for both players and fans to get a lot of runs.” -James Corden
“Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady’s man.” -Jimmy Kimmel

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Okay, picture this. Two brothers, one speaks no English, the other learned to speak English from watching the “Wide World of Sports”. So, you tell me, which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?”  

ANSWER: Better Off Dead! Lane Myer (John Cusack) said this about the pair of Japanese brothers who would pull alongside of him at the stoplight and want to drag race. Written and directed by Savage Steve Holland (“One Crazy Summer”, “How I Got Into College” and “Eek the Cat” TV series), “Better Off Dead” is probably the funniest movie that most people have never seen. Watch for the “Simpsons”-like quips and intracacies in the background. 
 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Mister Lizard, ha ha, would you like a hamburger?”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I’m a ten-letter word, but when I am heard,
I have only four, not one letter more.
My first two sounds are neat; a kind of sheet,
That starts with spread, not the kind on a bed.
Of my sounds, the third is what will be heard,
alphabetically, in the middle of modus operandi.
If you want to hear more, then like the shore,
I end at the sea, that’s a hint, you see.
What word am I?

ANSWER: Excellency (XLNC)

The four letters, XLNC, sound just like the ten-letter word excellency.
The first two sounds (XL) are the name of a spreadsheet program.
If you arrange the letters in modus operandi alphabetically (addeimNooprsu), the letter N is the middle letter. Also, modus operandi is usually written as an abbreviation, MO, which in the alphabet, would have an N in the middle.
The final letter (C) sounds like sea. Do you see?

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What is so incredible about the sentence below?
A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed, houghed, and hiccoughed.

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

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Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, October 28, 2016. 

How to Stay Young
Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them!’
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.’  An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
Enjoy the simple things.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
Don’t take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. – Mark Twain
A well-spent day brings happy sleep. – Leonardo da Vinci
All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives. – Dalai Lama
Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. – Arthur Wing Pinero
One camel does not make fun of another camel’s hump. – Ghanaian Proverb
Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. – George Bernard Shaw

‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’ Victor Borge

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, ‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’
The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’
The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’
The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’
The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “The pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?” 

ANSWER: Galaxy Quest! Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) says this after the pig lizard turns itself inside out and then explodes. I’ve never actually seen this movie in its entirety, but I’ve heard great things about it. How could it not be funny; it stars Tim “The Tool” Allen.

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Okay, picture this. Two brothers, one speaks no English, the other learned to speak English from watching the “Wide World of Sports”. So, you tell me, which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?”

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What do all the words in this list have in common?
Lead
Sow
Bass
Wind
Tear
Object

ANSWER: All these words are heteronyms. Heteronyms are words which are spelled exactly the same way but have different pronunciations and different meanings.

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I’m a ten-letter word, but when I am heard,
I have only four, not one letter more.
My first two sounds are neat; a kind of sheet,
That starts with spread, not the kind on a bed.
Of my sounds, the third is what will be heard,
alphabetically, in the middle of modus operandi.
If you want to hear more, then like the shore,
I end at the sea, that’s a hint, you see.
What word am I?

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, October 27, 2016.     

15 More Epithets To Live By……
1. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
2. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
3. Believe in miracles.
4. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
5. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
6. Growing old beats the alternative: dying young.
7. Your children get only one childhood.
8. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
9. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
10. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
11. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
12. The best is yet to come.
13. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
14. Yield.
15. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

“Last Friday, Amazon, CNN, and Twitter were all down all over the United States. It’s a chilling day that will one day be known in history as ‘Productive Friday.'” -Conan O’Brien
“President Obama last week said that this year’s election is like Dante’s ‘Inferno.’ Well that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t turn into a disco inferno.” -Seth Meyers
“One of the big stories about the Cubs is the so-called ‘Curse of the Billy Goat,’ which occurred back in the ’40s when they turned a fan and his pet goat away because goats aren’t allowed in the ballpark. Or as hot dog vendors put it, ‘That’s what YOU think.'” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so…They have them aimed at themselves.” 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “My Lord, you look just like the pissboy!”
ANSWER: History of the World, Part I. Count de Money – sorry, Count de Monet (Harvey Korman) said this to King Louis XVI (Mel Brooks) when he noticed that the pissboy (also played by Mel Brooks) was a dead ringer for the King. King Louis responded by saying, “And you look like a bucket of [human waste]!” They decided to use the pissboy as a look-alike for the King because his life was in danger during the French Revolution. Brooks’ funniest movie, except maybe for “Blazing Saddles”. 
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “The pig lizard is gone. Why are they still chanting for the pig lizard?”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Insert the word from group B into the empty spaces in group A.
1. Ta__ __ __ __ry
2. K__ __ __ __en
3. D__ __ __ __le
4. S__ __ __ __et
5. T__ __ __ __t
Group B
A. Herb
B. Itch
C. Able
D. Pest
E. Wind

ANSWER:  1. Tapestry (D) 2. Kitchen (B) 3. Dwindle (E) 4. Sherbet (A) 5. Tablet (C)

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What do all the words in this list have in common?
Lead
Sow
Bass
Wind
Tear
Object

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! INCREDIBLE BANKS! 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, October 26, 2016.    

Some Epithets To Live By……
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t mess up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter?”
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. Norm Papernick

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin
What a wonderful life I’ve had. I only wish I’d realized it sooner.
Colette

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.  After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
“Mr Johnson,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”
“That’s all fine,” said his boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’m the Wonder Wheel champion of the world! Miracle Wonder Wheel!”

ANSWER: The Toy! Jack Brown (Richard Pryor) exclaimed this while riding the Wonder Wheel through the toy store where he worked as a night custodian. Soon after, the Wonder Wheel deflated, causing him to exclaim, “I don’t want to be a Wonder Wheel murderer!” “The Toy” also starred Jackie Gleason, Ned Beatty, and Scott Schwartz, whom you may remember as the kid who got his tongue stuck to the pole in “A Christmas Story”.  

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “My Lord, you look just like the pissboy!”

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Zona, the nutty professor, gathered the class one day for an experiment. Zona began, “I have in my hands a rock and a piece of wood. I am going to place them in this beaker of mysterious liquid, and you may observe what happens.” Surprisingly, the rock floated and the wood sank! He turned to the class and said, “My question is: What is this mysterious liquid in the beaker?”

Do you know the answer?

ANSWER: The mysterious liquid is water. The rock is pumice or volcanic glass which floats in water and the wood was from the desert ironwood tree which is so dense that it actually sinks in water.

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Insert the word from group B into the empty spaces in group A.
1. Ta__ __ __ __ry
2. K__ __ __ __en
3. D__ __ __ __le
4. S__ __ __ __et
5. T__ __ __ __t
Group B
A. Herb
B. Itch
C. Able
D. Pest
E. Wind

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, October 25, 2016. 

De-railed Careers….

Lawyers are disbarred.
Vicars are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists’ models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A London architect has come up with a concept for a floating hotel that is self-sustaining and could potentially move around the world. Great job, architect. You just invented the cruise ship.” -Seth Meyers
“A new study shows that elected leaders don’t live as long as their defeated opponents. So if there’s a candidate you really don’t like, vote for them.” -Stephen Colbert
“Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don’t know; that actually might make me START smoking.” -Jimmy Kimmel

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he’s ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. “Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin’.”
So junior says, “My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula…Pi r squared.”
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, “Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round…CORNBREAD are squared!”

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “A gun rack?! I don’t even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?”

ANSWER: Wayne’s World! Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers) says this to his psycho hosebeast ex-girlfriend, Stacy (Lara Flynn Boyle), after she gives him a gun rack as a birthday present. He didn’t give her anything, but he should have given her a Big Mac or two; the high fat content would surely do her some good.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’m the Wonder Wheel champion of the world! Miracle Wonder Wheel!”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the blank below with a word that means the same as the word on the left when read normally and fits the definition on the right when read backwards.

Friends _________ hit sharply.

Rinds of fruit __________ What we do with over one third of our lives.

ANSWER: Pals, slap; peels, sleep.

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Zona, the nutty professor, gathered the class one day for an experiment. Zona began, “I have in my hands a rock and a piece of wood. I am going to place them in this beaker of mysterious liquid, and you may observe what happens.” Surprisingly, the rock floated and the wood sank! He turned to the class and said, “My question is: What is this mysterious liquid in the beaker?”
Do you know the answer?

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SWEET SOLVING JOB BANKS! 


LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/    

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, October 24, 2016.
The Voice Of Experience Can Be Sometimes Funny and Sometimes Thought Provoking
James, a young boy of 6, turned to his Grandfather and says, ‘When you die, Grampy, I don’t want your money. Please will you leave me your memory.’
Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so: Douglas Adams
We can only learn to love by loving: Iris Murdock
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes: Oscar Wilde
These days people seek knowledge, not wisdom. Knowledge is of the past, wisdom is of the future: Vernon Cooper
Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t: Pete Seeger
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards: Vernon Sanders Law
There is a fine line between genius and insanity
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
Experience is not what happens to a man, it’s what a man does with what happens to him: Aldous Huxley
A light heart lives long: William Shakespeare
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?: Jay Leno
Imagination is more important than knowledge: Albert Einstein
Change is inevitable; except from vending machines
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES….  
“The Austrian government announced that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. But the government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means ‘the house where Hitler was born’ might soon be ‘the pilates studio where Hitler was born.'” -James Corden

“Every four years Scholastic News Magazine sponsors a mock election where kids from all over the country cast a vote for president. The results have been correct in every election since 1964 and this year Hillary Clinton won in a landslide; she beat Trump 52-35. The other 13 percent voted for SpongeBob.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date.” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite “adult” restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old’s antics and pounded the table.
Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, “If you don’t start behaving, you’ll never eat out with us again!”
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. “Look dear,” he said. “Quality time!”

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Okay, how’s this for our new Friday lineup: 8 o’clock, “Druids on Parade”; then “The Volcano Worshippers’ Hour”; followed by “Underwater Bingo for Teens” and “Fun With Dirt”.”
ANSWER:  UHF! George Newman (Weird Al Yankovic) said this when they were developing new shows for his recently inherited TV station. They sound like they’d be major hits compared to what they show on TV these days. Thank heavens for the Internet. Released in 1989, “UHF” is a cult classic, also starring Victoria Jackson, Michael Richards, Billy Barty, and Gedde Watanabe. Michael Richards plays an idiot in this one, a real stretch for him.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “A gun rack?! I don’t even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Jake and his friend Paco had very famous challenge sessions at their school. One would suggest something they could do, and the other would prove it wrong somehow.

One day, Jake surprised Paco by stating: “I can answer any question in the world.”

Sure that he would win the challenge, Paco accepted the task of proving it wrong. He wrote up a test full of impossible questions. After a while, Jake returned the test. Paco unbelievably lost the challenge and told Jake he could indeed answer any question. How did Jake win?

ANSWER: For all the impossible questions, Jake simply wrote “I don’t know”, or gave an incorrect answer. Jake never said the answer had to be correct!

Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the blank below with a word that means the same as the word on the left when read normally and fits the definition on the right when read backwards.

Friends _________ hit sharply.

Rinds of fruit __________ What we do with over one third of our lives.

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Friday, October 21, 2016.    

Here’s the story…..  A teenage boy called Joel had just passed his driving test and asked Dad when they could discuss his use of the car. Dad said ‘Ill make a deal with you Joel, You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Joel, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve seen that you have been studying your Bible. But I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”  “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”  “Joel, did you also notice all those people walked everywhere they went?”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don’t drink at all. At least, that’s what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice.” -Jimmy Kimmel
 
“The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested that people under the age of 18 should be banned from tanning salons. Parents that take their kids to tanning salons should be banned from parenting.” -Jimmy Fallon
 
“Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called a ‘crowbar.'” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

To prepare for my daughter’s First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.
 
We lived there for only a short while, so I didn’t know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn’t remember.
 
After a brief silence, she said, “Ma’am, I’m talking about the name of the baby’s father.”

  

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Our daddy may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage, but he’s a very gentle person.” 

ANSWER: Me, Myself and Irene! Jamaal Baileygates (Anthony Anderson) said this about his father, Charlie (Jim Carrey), who had a split personality. This was an awesome movie. The star of this one was the prize cow in the middle of the road; a most hilarious scene.  

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Okay, how’s this for our new Friday lineup: 8 o’clock, “Druids on Parade”; then “The Volcano Worshippers’ Hour”; followed by “Underwater Bingo for Teens” and “Fun With Dirt”.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Insert one word in each pair to link the two words together. The end of the first word is the beginning of the second.
1. Short __ __ __ __ Light
2. Arch __ __ __ Station
3. Dill __ __ __ __ __ __ Barrel
4. Corn __ __ __ __ __ Box
5. Bar __ __ __ __ __ Pigeon

 

 

ANSWER:  1. Stop, 2. Way, 3. Pickle, 4. Bread, 5. Stool

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Jake and his friend Paco had very famous challenge sessions at their school. One would suggest something they could do, and the other would prove it wrong somehow.

One day, Jake surprised Paco by stating: “I can answer any question in the world.”

Sure that he would win the challenge, Paco accepted the task of proving it wrong. He wrote up a test full of impossible questions. After a while, Jake returned the test. Paco unbelievably lost the challenge and told Jake he could indeed answer any question. How did Jake win?

 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/