WELCOME to Friday, September 9, 2016.
1. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
2. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
3. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road.’
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
7. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
8. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
9. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
10. A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.
11. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing’ The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ Is it common? ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual’.
12. The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
13. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
15. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.” Daisy says to Ermentrude, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ I don’t believe you’, says Ermentrude. ‘It’s true, no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.
16. ‘Deja Moo’: The feeling that You’ve heard this bull before.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time — Steven Wright
“His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.” — Mark Twain
“Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” — H.L. Mencken
“Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity” — Steven Zelin, the singing CPA to the tune of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”
“If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!” — John Andrew Holmes
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” — Herman Wouk
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” —Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.
‘You are all part of our team now’, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. ‘You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don’t eat any employees.’ The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, ‘You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?’ The cannibals all shook their heads. ‘No.’ After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, ‘Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?’
A hand rose hesitantly. ‘You fool!’ the leader raged. ‘For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something………….
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Why do things like this always happen to me? What kind of host invites you over for the weekend and dies on you?”
ANSWER: Weekend at Bernie’s! Larry Wilson (Andrew McCarthy) said this after they had discovered that Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser) was dead. Lomax had invited Larry and Richard (Jonathan Silverman) to his beach house for the weekend because he wanted them dead. In an ironic twist of fate, it was Bernie who was murdered. Hilarity ensues when the two friends try to pass Bernie off as a living, breathing, hard-partying dude.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Look, if I were joking, I would have said, ‘What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.'”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Complete the words below using three consecutive letters in alphabetical order, e.g. _ _ A _ U S; add A B and C it would become ABACUS.
1. C O _ _ E _,
2. _ _ _ O R M,
3. S O _ E _ _,
4. _ U _ G _ L,
5. S _ O _ _ Y,
6. _ O B U _ _.
ANSWER: 1. Corset, 2. Deform, 3. Solemn, Sorest, 4. Cudgel, 5. Snoopy, 6. Robust.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
I have given you five (5) pairs of words. Fill in the blank below with a single letter to turn these pairs of words into synonyms.
EX: _TUMBLE and _RIP
Answer: STUMBLE and TRIP
1) _COLD and _HIDE
2) _AMBLE and _AGER
3) _EARNING and _RAVING
4) _ALLY and _CORE
5) _AVER and _ALTER