Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, September 29, 2016.   

Funny School Excuse Notes…

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling), collected by schools from all over the country.

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 

Please exkuce Pam for being absent from skool.  She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please exscuse Cecil being absent on June 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Marvin from Physical Education lessons for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Ray was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.  

Bethan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Eddie for being.  It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.  We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.  

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Mary-ann was absent October 8-11, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. 

There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

 “A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, ‘Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Vin Diesel is with us tonight. Vin is not his real name. His real name is Vehicle Identification Number.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don’t know how popular he was. He only had 12 followers.” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: “So, what’s the answer?”

The guide replied: “One.”Emoji 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear. And when I do, it’s usually something unusual.”  

ANSWER: Stripes! John Winger (Bill Murray) said this when the new recruits were in the barracks introducing themselves to each other and their new drill sergeant for the first time. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???   “I know everything there is to know ’bout the shrimpin’ business.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

I am a set of three words, all with the same six letters.
First I am a kingdom, though not royally so.
Then spell me backwards, and I become a thin plate.
Now rearrange my consonants, leaving my vowels in place …
I am now a type of paper.
What are the words?

ANSWER: animal = a kingdom, not royal, but biological

lamina = a thin plate

manila = a type of paper 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What number, when spelled out, has no repeated letters and has each of the vowels (not including Y) once?
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

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WELCOME to Wednesday, September 28, 2016.   

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain

Why the early bird gets the worm

Life isn’t always fair

and maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I’m A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

Samuel Butler

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. Mark Twain

Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. Ambrose Bierce 

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

James Baldwin

Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. Alfred Lord Tennyson

Art is science made clear. Jean Cocteau

The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it. Benjamin Disraeli

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. John Kenneth Galbraith

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool. Jane Wagner

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, ‘Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. 

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, ‘You have seen Hell.’ 

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.’

‘It is simple,’ said the Lord. ‘It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.’Emoji

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Beef jerky time!”

ANSWER: Trading Places! Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) said this on the train when he and the others were trying to trick Clarence Beeks (Paul Gleason). He took out his beef jerky and offered it to the others, to which a disguised Coleman (Denholm Elliott) replied, ‘No, thank you, son. Gives me the winds something terrible.'”

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear. And when I do, it’s usually something unusual.”

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Sam loves to communicate by using rebus puzzles. This is sometimes confusing for other residents of 
the university dormitory. One night, this sign was posted on Sam’s door: 
NIOILTE
FIRE
The other residents have no idea what Sam is up to. Do you? 

 

ANSWER: Sam is “burning the midnight oil”.  OIL is in the middle of NITE, so it is midNITE (or midnight) oil. Since the midnight oil is on FIRE, it is burning. To “burn the midnight oil” means to stay up working, and especially studying, late at night. This harkens back to the days when people used oil lamps at night.

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

I am a set of three words, all with the same six letters.
First I am a kingdom, though not royally so.
Then spell me backwards, and I become a thin plate.
Now rearrange my consonants, leaving my vowels in place …
I am now a type of paper.
 
What are the words?
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, September 27, 2016.   

Hymns for the Over 60s……

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Left my Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A new study finds that if you’re drunk around sober people, you’ll think you’re less drunk than if you’re around other drunk people. And if you’re drunk around sober people, chances are you’ve got a problem.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised.” -Conan O’Brien

“This week a study was released by the World Health Organization showing that the United States is the third most depressing country in the world after India and China. When Americans heard the news they were like, ‘Oh, we only got third?'” -James Corden 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

 An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. 

“No need for that, young man,” snapped the old timer. “I always wake up at five A.M. sharp – without an alarm clock.”

“Very good, sir,” the clerk replied, then asked, “Would you mind calling me at six?”Emoji  

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “…Because they knew that this England place was bogus, and if we didn’t get ourselves some cool rules, pronto, we’d just be bogus, too.”   

ANSWER:  Fast Times at Ridgemont High! Jeff Spiccoli (Sean Penn) said this when Mr. Hand (Ray Walston) trapped him in his room and forced him to make up the time he wasted in History class.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Beef jerky time!”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

 What common phrase does this rebus represent?
 
SKIN B-U-T SKIN SKIN SKIN
FLESH FLESH FLESH FLESH
MUSCLE MUSCLE MUSCLE
BONE BONE BONE BONE

ANSWER:  Beauty is only skin deep. When spoken quickly the letters B-U-T sound like the word “beauty,” and “B-U-T” is only as deep as the word “SKIN” is. 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Sam loves to communicate by using rebus puzzles. This is sometimes confusing for other residents of the university dormitory. One night, this sign was posted on Sam’s door:
 
NIOILTE
FIRE
 
The other residents have no idea what Sam is up to. Do you?
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, September 26, 2016.  

Growing Older………. 

Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you?

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

He who hesitates is almost certainly right.

Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt..

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don’t produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.” -Conan O’Brien 

“A guacamole-themed restaurant is set to open in New York on Friday, and it already turned brown.” -Seth Meyers  

“A school in Tennessee is facing criticism for separating students with bad grades from students with good grades at lunch. Thats crazy! You dont use grades to separate kids. Everyone knows that kids should be separated by clothes, looks, and how much money their parents make.” -Jimmy Fallon

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, ‘Thanks for putting up with me so long.’

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

“Just where do you think you going?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.”Emoji 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???   “Let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. According to this morning’s sample, it would be a Twinkie 35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds.”

ANSWER:  Ghostbusters! This was said by Dr. Egon Spangler (Harold Ramis) when describing the potential disaster that loomed on the horizon. I thought this was a pretty easy question with which to start. Ummm, Twinkie. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “…Because they knew that this England place was bogus, and if we didn’t get ourselves some cool rules, pronto, we’d just be bogus, too.”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What common phrase does this rebus represent?
 
SKIN B-U-T SKIN SKIN SKIN
FLESH FLESH FLESH FLESH
MUSCLE MUSCLE MUSCLE
BONE BONE BONE BONE 

ANSWER:  Beauty is only skin deep. When spoken quickly the letters B-U-T sound like the word “beauty,” and “B-U-T” is only as deep as the word “SKIN” is. 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What common phrase does this rebus represent?
 
SKIN B-U-T SKIN SKIN SKIN
FLESH FLESH FLESH FLESH
MUSCLE MUSCLE MUSCLE
BONE BONE BONE BONE
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, September 23, 2016. 

Funny Plurals In the English Language….. 

We’ll begin with a box and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn’t be hose.

And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,

So English, I fancy you will all agree, Is the funniest language you ever did see.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.  Groucho Marx

I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat.”  Will Rogers

On the other hand, we have different fingers.  Jack Handey  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. 

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all … hawk, lion and stinker.Emoji 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “I can’t accept this; I don’t believe in guns. When my brothers and I would play Cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.” 

ANSWER:  Death to Smoochy! Sheldon Mopes (Edward Norton) said this to Burke Bennett (Danny DeVito) when they were in the restaurant having dinner. Bennett was Mopes’s agent. Burke gave the straight-laced Sheldon a gun as a gift, because he thought he might need one in the cutthroat world of children’s television. “Death to Smoochy” is a dark comedy that also stars Jon Stewart, Catherine Keener, and Robin Williams (who is absolutely hilarious in this one).

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. According to this morning’s sample, it would be a Twinkie 35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds.”

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Each of the sentences below use two words which are synonyms of each other, but here in these sentences, they are not used with the same meaning. Can you find the words ?
 
1. He could not _____ out the _____ which would complete the series in the math teaser.
 
2. A _____ of her long hair was dangerously _____ to the fireplace.
 
3. Alas, we could not pay our respects to the _____ Mr. Bigsby. We were _____ by traffic.
 
4. _____ you open that ____ of beans, please ?
 
5. Life was a _____, after all, for 20 years all he had done was _____ for the oil company.

 

ANSWER:  1. He could not FIGURE out the NUMBER which would complete the series in the math teaser.

2. A LOCK of her long hair was dangerously CLOSE to the fireplace.

3. Alas, we could not pay our respects to the LATE Mr. Bigsby. We were DELAYED by traffic.

4. CAN you open that TIN of beans, please ?

5. Life was a BORE, after all, for 20 years all he had done was DRILL for the oil company. 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What common phrase does this rebus represent?
 
SKIN B-U-T SKIN SKIN SKIN
FLESH FLESH FLESH FLESH
MUSCLE MUSCLE MUSCLE
BONE BONE BONE BONE
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, September 22, 2016.   

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS: 

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. 

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. 

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. 

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. 

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. 

When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. 

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. 

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called ‘Sit With Us’ – or as bullies call it, ‘Victim Finder.'” -Seth Meyers 

“Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Target and never look back.” -Jimmy Fallon

“In Florida, a drunk half-naked woman crashed her car into a Waffle House. Just a reminder, once again Florida will likely determine who our next president is.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down. 

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, “Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?”

The young mother replied honestly, “The luggage, no; the children, yes.”Emoji  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’ll tell you what. We’ll tell Fred that you were doing a great job taking care of his car. But you parked it out back last night, and in the morning it was gone. We report it to the police, D-Day takes care of the wreck, and your brother’s insurance company buys him a new car.”  

ANSWER: Animal House! Otter (Tim Matheson) said this to Flounder (Stephen Furst) after the guys took Flounder’s brother’s car on a “road trip” and put numerous dents in the vehicle. Flounder asked if this plan would work, and Otter responded by saying, “Hey, it’s gotta work better than the truth.” Bluto (John Belushi) then gave Flounder a six-pack along with the advice to “start drinking heavily”.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I can’t accept this; I don’t believe in guns. When my brothers and I would play Cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.” 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following ten words can be divided into two groups of five words. The words within each group will share a common characteristic. What are the two groups? Which words belong in those groups?

dam late lice linger per son stern tent under use  

ANSWER:  The two groups are: words that can be prefixed with “ma” to form a new word, words that can be prefixed with “pa” to form a new word.

Group 1: dam, lice, linger, son, under (madam, malice, malinger, mason, maunder)

Group 2: late, per, stern, tent, use (palate, paper, pastern, patent, pause)

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Each of the sentences below use two words which are synonyms of each other, but here in these sentences, they are not used with the same meaning. Can you find the words ?
 
1. He could not _____ out the _____ which would complete the series in the math teaser.
 
2. A _____ of her long hair was dangerously _____ to the fireplace.
 
3. Alas, we could not pay our respects to the _____ Mr. Bigsby. We were _____ by traffic.
 
4. _____ you open that ____ of beans, please ?
 
5. Life was a _____, after all, for 20 years all he had done was _____ for the oil company.
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, September 21, 2016.  

Things in Life I Learned from a Jigsaw Puzzle….

1. Don’t force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally. 

2. When things aren’t going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return. 

3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration. 

4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece. 

5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4). 

6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. 

7. Variety is the spice of life. It’s the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting. 

8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun. 

9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order. 

10. Don’t be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising. 

11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones). 

12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can’t be rushed. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Money can’t buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. –Spike Milligan 

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” –Eric Hoffer 

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” –Milton Berle   

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasn’t too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it’d never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong’s Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he’d probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong’s again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong’s to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. “No charge,” said Wong, “but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.” Emoji  

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  Man: “You know, blackjack is the only game where a good player has a mathematical advantage over the house.” Woman: “Really? Are you a professional?”  Man: “No. Are you?”  

ANSWER: Vegas Vacation! Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) said this to a pretty woman at the blackjack table, in a failed attempt to impress her. As predictable, the woman got very insulted and walked away. The blackjack dealer (Wallace Shawn) gave Clark a mean look and proceeded to drain him of 300 dollars in fifteen minutes. To put it mildly, Clark did not have a winning time in Vegas. Mr. Poppagiorgio did, however.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’ll tell you what. We’ll tell Fred that you were doing a great job taking care of his car. But you parked it out back last night, and in the morning it was gone. We report it to the police, D-Day takes care of the wreck, and your brother’s insurance company buys him a new car.”

 

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Diophantus was a Greek mathematician who lived in the third century. He was one of the first mathematicians to use algebraic symbols.

Most of what is known about Diophantus’s life comes from an algebraic riddle from around the early sixth century. The riddle states:

Diophantus’s youth lasted one sixth of his life. He grew a beard after one twelfth more. After one seventh more of his life, he married. 5 years later, he and his wife had a son. The son lived exactly one half as long as his father, and Diophantus died four years after his son. 

How many years did Diophantus live?  

ANSWER:  The riddle, the “facts” of which may or may not be true, results in the following equation:

x/6 + x/12 + x/7 + 5 + x/2 + 4 = x

where x is Diophantus’s age at the time of his death.

Therefore, Diophantus lived exactly 84 years.

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following ten words can be divided into two groups of five words. The words within each group will share a common characteristic. What are the two groups? Which words belong in those groups?

dam late lice linger per son stern tent under use

 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.comwww.stlzoo.org