Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 31, 2016.    

LIFE PONDERING…….

Why aren’t marbles made of marble? 

What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? 

What is a picture of a thousand words really worth? 

What do you use to clean a soap stain? 

How do you throw out a recycling bin?

What was Captain Hook’s name before he got the hook? 

Why can’t you put garbage in a garbage disposal? 

Why does Bugs Bunny walk around naked, but put on a bathing suit when he goes swimming? 

Why do some dangerous products say, “If swallowed, do not induce vomiting”? Wait, what? We’re just supposed keep it inside?

Is it possible to plan ahead in order to be spontaneous? 

Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks? 

What did they call antiques back in the old days? 

If you have a bad memory, does that mean you also have a clear conscience?

What would you get if you mated a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu? (think about it) Emoji

Why does night fall while day breaks? 

If someone at the Better Business Bureau cheats you, where do you file a complaint? 

Why doesn’t the glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

Is it possible to be un-thirsty?

How come no one eats the last bite of food on the appetizer plate? 

Why do manufacturer’s plastic bags state, “Warning: this is not a toy”? Do they think we’re going to make balloon animals out of them? 

Why does the phone and/or doorbell ring the moment you sit down in front of the television with a plate full of food?

Why do most customer service messages state, “This call may be recorded for quality purposes” but the quality never improves? 

How can you prove there are actually two scoops of raisins in Raisin Brand Cereal? 

Why do they call it a hot water heater? If the water was already hot, it wouldn’t need a heater. 

Why are oriental rug stores always having “going out of business” sales, but they never seem to close?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin

“Hobbies cost money but interests are free” — George Carlin

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

“Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer” — Ogden Nash

“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery” — Beverly Johnson

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle

“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale’s Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, 

“Well, sonny, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.”

The owner replies, “Well, let’s see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?”

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, “I want this color sonny.”

To which Nathan replies, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?”

“No son, I want this color.”

“But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”Emoji 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Fruit of me loins!? I haven’t got fruit in me loins. Lice, yes – and proud of ’em – but no fruit.”

ANSWER: Yellow Beard! Yellowbeard (Graham Chapman) said this after he returned from prison to find he had a son. His wife told him, ‘He’s the fruit of your loins, dear’. “Yellowbeard” (1983) is one the funniest movies ever written. This movie stars several of the Monty Python cast (including John Cleese as Blind Pew), and also Cheech & Chong, Dudley Moore & Peter Cook, Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle and Marty Feldman. Arrrr! 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Take off those glasses. They’re not regulation, and they make you stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Yup, he’s back with more!!! Oxy, after finding that his first teaser had such great success, decided to find some more oxymorons and come up with another brain teaser!

Now, your task is the same as last time:

Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?

Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy

1) discovered lost

2) bigger part

3) sugary sour

4) sad humor

5) solitary in company 

ANSWER: 1) found missing, 2) larger half, 3) sweet tart, 4) tragic comedy, 5) alone together  

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you figure out the logic I used to decide the order of the following words: 

gun, shoe, spree, door, hive, kicks, heaven, gate, line, den

 
 
 
 
QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 
GREAT JOB BANKS! (5 DAYS IN ROW) EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

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