Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 31, 2016.    

LIFE PONDERING…….

Why aren’t marbles made of marble? 

What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? 

What is a picture of a thousand words really worth? 

What do you use to clean a soap stain? 

How do you throw out a recycling bin?

What was Captain Hook’s name before he got the hook? 

Why can’t you put garbage in a garbage disposal? 

Why does Bugs Bunny walk around naked, but put on a bathing suit when he goes swimming? 

Why do some dangerous products say, “If swallowed, do not induce vomiting”? Wait, what? We’re just supposed keep it inside?

Is it possible to plan ahead in order to be spontaneous? 

Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks? 

What did they call antiques back in the old days? 

If you have a bad memory, does that mean you also have a clear conscience?

What would you get if you mated a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu? (think about it) Emoji

Why does night fall while day breaks? 

If someone at the Better Business Bureau cheats you, where do you file a complaint? 

Why doesn’t the glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

Is it possible to be un-thirsty?

How come no one eats the last bite of food on the appetizer plate? 

Why do manufacturer’s plastic bags state, “Warning: this is not a toy”? Do they think we’re going to make balloon animals out of them? 

Why does the phone and/or doorbell ring the moment you sit down in front of the television with a plate full of food?

Why do most customer service messages state, “This call may be recorded for quality purposes” but the quality never improves? 

How can you prove there are actually two scoops of raisins in Raisin Brand Cereal? 

Why do they call it a hot water heater? If the water was already hot, it wouldn’t need a heater. 

Why are oriental rug stores always having “going out of business” sales, but they never seem to close?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin

“Hobbies cost money but interests are free” — George Carlin

“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown

“Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer” — Ogden Nash

“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery” — Beverly Johnson

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle

“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale’s Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, 

“Well, sonny, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.”

The owner replies, “Well, let’s see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?”

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, “I want this color sonny.”

To which Nathan replies, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?”

“No son, I want this color.”

“But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”Emoji 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Fruit of me loins!? I haven’t got fruit in me loins. Lice, yes – and proud of ’em – but no fruit.”

ANSWER: Yellow Beard! Yellowbeard (Graham Chapman) said this after he returned from prison to find he had a son. His wife told him, ‘He’s the fruit of your loins, dear’. “Yellowbeard” (1983) is one the funniest movies ever written. This movie stars several of the Monty Python cast (including John Cleese as Blind Pew), and also Cheech & Chong, Dudley Moore & Peter Cook, Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle and Marty Feldman. Arrrr! 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Take off those glasses. They’re not regulation, and they make you stand out like a turd in a punch bowl.”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Yup, he’s back with more!!! Oxy, after finding that his first teaser had such great success, decided to find some more oxymorons and come up with another brain teaser!

Now, your task is the same as last time:

Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?

Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy

1) discovered lost

2) bigger part

3) sugary sour

4) sad humor

5) solitary in company 

ANSWER: 1) found missing, 2) larger half, 3) sweet tart, 4) tragic comedy, 5) alone together  

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you figure out the logic I used to decide the order of the following words: 

gun, shoe, spree, door, hive, kicks, heaven, gate, line, den

 
 
 
 
QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 
GREAT JOB BANKS! (5 DAYS IN ROW) EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 30, 2016.  

What Profs Really Mean…..

This needs some minor revision. = I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only. = I like to get out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation = I’ll be fudging your grades.

This won’t be on the test. = Nap time!

Bring the text to class. = I don’t have a clue how to lecture–we’ll just kill time with group read-alongs.

Talk to the department secretary. = Get lost.

Talk to me in my office after class. = Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice. = I take questions directly from the study guide and 

have grad students do all my grading.

Don’t come in late during my lecture. = I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end. = Fruit-fly attention span

The final will be comprehensive. = I’ll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn’t fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. = This course is outside 

my specialty–I’ll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

There are two TAs available to help you. = I can’t be bothered.

This year I’ll be scaling the grades. = I just passed tenure review.

Let’s break up into quiet discussion groups. = I have a hangover.

Let’s have class outdoors today! = I had beans for lunch.

You won’t be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. = My contract wasn’t picked up.

Please note the last day to withdraw. = The midterm’s gonna suck.

he answer to number 4 is “b,” and just skip number 17. = I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading. = I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven’t had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. = The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus. = I’ll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction” — Mae West

“A man in love is like a clipped coupon — it’s time to cash in” — Mae West

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” — Mae West

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” — Yogi Berra

“There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s 

advances as long as they are in cash” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” — Earl Wilson  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”Emoji 

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”  

ANSWER: A Christmas Story! This was said by the narrator when Ralphie (Peter Billingsley), his younger brother Randy (Ian Petrella), and their friends were being accosted by the bully Scott Farkus (Zack Ward), and his toadie Grover Dill (Yano Anaya). Randy fell to the ground and remained still, so as not to attract the attention of the kid with the yellow eyes and the kid whose lip curled over his green teeth. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Fruit of me loins!? I haven’t got fruit in me loins. Lice, yes – and proud of ’em – but no fruit.”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What saying is shown below?

Fair ice cream

Impartial pudding

Honorable jelly

Righteous cake 

ANSWER:  Just desserts. The adjectives for each of the desserts listed are all synonyms for “just”. 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Yup, he’s back with more!!! Oxy, after finding that his first teaser had such great success, decided to find some more oxymorons and come up with another brain teaser!

Now, your task is the same as last time:

Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?

Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy

1) discovered lost

2) bigger part

3) sugary sour

4) sad humor

5) solitary in company

 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, August 29, 2016.    

Ten Short Relationship Jokes….

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

Love is grand… Divorce is 75 grand.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. – Swedish Proverb

Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. – Leo Buscaglia

Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. – Miles Franklin

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. ‘Pooh!’ he whispered. ‘Yes, Piglet?’ ‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’ – A.A. Milne

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. – Wayne W. Dyer

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. – Anonymous

Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. – Epictetus

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday, ‘yesterday.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Astronomers at NASA are saying that they discovered a new Earth-like planet that’s only 4.2 light years away. I know, I reacted the exact same way as you did. I don’t know how far that is either.” -James Corden

“KFC has come out with a sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Of course if you want to smell like KFC, you could just ride around in any single guy’s car.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, “It is exactly ten o’watch.”Emoji  

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman; he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.”  

ANSWER: Fast Times at Ridgemont High! Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) said this after he and Jefferson’s little brother (Stanley Davis, Jr.) totally trashed Jefferson’s brand new Trans Am during a night of partying. This happened soon after Spicoli said that unforgettable line, “People on ‘ludes should not drive!” The two youths doctored it to look like the Lincoln High football team had done it, so Jefferson (Forrest Whitaker) took it out on Lincoln during the game that weekend. “LINCOLN KILLS!” 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Beginning with the word “in,” add one letter from the given pool to create a new word until you get a seven-letter word meaning “being in a state of suppressed agitation, worry, or resentment.”

Pool: T G E S W

1) IN

2)

3)

4)

5)

6) 

ANSWER: 1) IN, 2) WIN, 3) WING, 4) SWING, 5) SEWING, 6) STEWING 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

What saying is shown below?

Fair ice cream

Impartial pudding

Honorable jelly

Righteous cake

 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, August 26, 2016.   

Here’s the story…..

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied: “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.

3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.

4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 

11. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.Emoji

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails” — Spencer Tracy

“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’” — Emo Philips

“Dogs have no money. They’re broke their entire lives. You know why dogs 

have no money? No pockets” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Money without brains is always dangerous.” Napoleon Hill

“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” — Robin Williams

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” — Robin Williams  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?Emoji 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???   “We got no food, no clothes. Our pets’ heads are falling off!”

ANSWER: Dumb and Dumber! Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) said this after both he and Harry (Jeff Daniels) lost their jobs, and after a hitman left them a message by cutting the head off Harry’s parakeet. This prompted them to go on a road trip. They raised some extra money for the road trip by taping the parakeet’s head back on and selling it to a young blind boy. This scene became even funnier when the boy later told the story of how he was duped on the primetime TV show, “A Current Event”. I almost lost it when they interviewed that kid.  

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman; he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.”

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Each of the following clues describes two words. One of the words is a type of fruit. The other word is that fruit with one of the following changes: a letter added anywhere (apple applet), a letter deleted anywhere (orange range), or a letter changed anywhere (cheery cherry). There is no rearrangement of the other letters. No fruit is used more than once.

1) This is a devilish fruit.

2) This is a crippled fruit.

3) This is a happy fruit.

4) This is a criminal fruit.

5) This is a large fruit.

6) This is a tardy fruit.

7) This is a sullen fruit.

8) This is an up-to-date fruit.

9) This is a handkerchief worn by a fruit.

10) This is a popular dance among fruit.

11) This is a complaint by a fruit.

12) This is a weapon used by a fruit.  

ANSWER:  1) demon lemon

2) lame lime

3) merry berry

4) felon melon

5) big fig

6) late date

7) glum plum

8) current currant

9) banana bandana

10) mango tango

11) grape gripe

12) pear spear 

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Beginning with the word “in,” add one letter from the given pool to create a new word until you get a seven-letter word meaning “being in a state of suppressed agitation, worry, or resentment.”

Pool: T G E S W

1) IN

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

 
 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, August 25, 2016.   

Here’s the story………… 

Paresh, an Indian carpenter I once hired to help me restore my old farmhouse, had just finished a difficult and hard first day on the job. A flat tyre on his lorry made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw packed in, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, Paresh sat in stony, thoughtful silence.

On arriving, Paresh, in the way of all Indian gentlefolk, invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door to his home, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

After a cup of tea, he walked me to my car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

‘Oh, that’s my trouble tree,’ Paresh replied. ‘I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again. Funny thing is’, he smiled winningly, ‘when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.’

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“Last week, Twitter introduced a ‘quality filter’ that gets rid of tweets that contain spam, mean, or unwanted content. An hour later, Twitter filed for bankruptcy.” -Conan O’Brien

“Police in Australia are searching for a group of men seen releasing live crocodiles into a school building. Though, if you ask me, they should probably be searching for the crocodiles.” -Seth Meyers  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. 

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. 

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. 

It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even reading instructions.” 

“To tell the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t read, you’ve got to think.” Emoji 

 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Wait, you can’t leave; I have to work late. If you can’t work late, I can’t work late. If I can’t work late, I CAN’T WORK LATE!”

ANSWER:  Scrooged! Frank Cross (Bill Murray) said this to his secretary, Grace (Alfre Woodard), when she told him she had to take her son to a doctor’s appointment. “Let’s face it, Frank, garden slugs got more out of life than you did.”

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “We got no food, no clothes. Our pets’ heads are falling off!”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

If to you I’m given you should thankfully receive,

Then look me over carefully, just don’t look at my teeth.

Show me to a cool stream and I’ll follow willingly,

Though I might not do what you want, although parched I may be,

But if you’re really hungry and are looking for a bite,

I don’t think you could eat me even though you say you might.

Decipher all these clues and then together they should tie

To help you solve the question which, of course, is “what am I?”  

ANSWER:  If you answered “horse” then you’re quite clever, very shrewd,

For to look a gift horse in the mouth is very, very rude!

Though I may (or not) be thirsty it’s a well-known thing, I think,

That you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink,

And though you might be famished, I don’t think you mean a word

In saying, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” it’s quite absurd!  

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Each of the following clues describes two words. One of the words is a type of fruit. The other word is that fruit with one of the following changes: a letter added anywhere (apple applet), a letter deleted anywhere (orange range), or a letter changed anywhere (cheery cherry). There is no rearrangement of the other letters. No fruit is used more than once.

1) This is a devilish fruit.

2) This is a crippled fruit.

3) This is a happy fruit.

4) This is a criminal fruit.

5) This is a large fruit.

6) This is a tardy fruit.

7) This is a sullen fruit.

8) This is an up-to-date fruit.

9) This is a handkerchief worn by a fruit.

10) This is a popular dance among fruit.

11) This is a complaint by a fruit.

12) This is a weapon used by a fruit.

 
 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 24, 2016.   

Marriage Advice 101…

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

 “If you cannot convince them, confuse them.” –Harry S. Truman 

“Be sincere; be brief; be seated.” –Franklin D. Roosevelt 

“Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.” –Mark Twain 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ‘Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?’

The first man approached him and said, ‘Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?’

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied…….. ‘My wife’s first husband.’Emoji 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR LUBRICANT!”

ANSWER: Evolution! Dr. Harry Block (Orlando Jones) said this when Dr. Paulson (Wayne Duvall) was about to perform surgery, after an alien had entered Harry’s rectal cavity. The nurse said, “I’ll get the lubricant.” Dr. Paulson replied, “There’s no time for lubricant”, to which Harry responded with the above quote (probably the same quote any of us would have responded with). 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Wait, you can’t leave; I have to work late. If you can’t work late, I can’t work late. If I can’t work late, I CAN’T WORK LATE!”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What do the following sentences have in common?

Tracy, no panic in a pony cart!

But not now a wonton tub!

Marge let a moody baby doom a telegram.  

ANSWER:   They are all palindromic sentences, sentences that read the same backwards as they do forwards! If you read the hint, then you might have also figured out that the hint was a palindrome, too.

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

If to you I’m given you should thankfully receive,

Then look me over carefully, just don’t look at my teeth.

Show me to a cool stream and I’ll follow willingly,

Though I might not do what you want, although parched I may be,

But if you’re really hungry and are looking for a bite,

I don’t think you could eat me even though you say you might.

Decipher all these clues and then together they should tie

To help you solve the question which, of course, is “what am I?”

 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 23, 2016.    

Our Favorite Hashtags on Dating..   

#GeekPickupLines: My name’s 
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?  

#RobotPickupLines: “You had me 
at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.” 

#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!” 

#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone

Professors Define a Kiss….   

In math: Two divided by nothing.

In physics: The contraction of 
the mouth due to the expansion 
of the heart.

In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the 
supply.

In dentistry: It’s infectious and 
antiseptic.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….  

“Scientists have found a new link between high blood sugar and dementia. Which explains Cinnabon’s new slogan, ‘The last bite you’ll remember.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. Let me save you some time. They’re not.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken was, ‘Me look fat in this?'” -Jimmy Fallon  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll.

“A phone book?” asked her friend.

“You know,” said my daughter. “A book with numbers in it.”

“Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.”Emoji  

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “All you boys have seemed to learn is that Caesar is a ‘salad dressing dude’.”

ANSWER: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure! This was said by the history teacher, Mr. Ryan (Bernie Casey), just before he threatened to flunk both Bill and Ted. But with the help of Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and So-Crates, the boys did quite well. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR LUBRICANT!”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The items in each group are related to each other. Try to figure out the noun or adjective that is common to all the items in the group.

Group A

A person

A clock

A cliff

Group B

A dress

A ship

An aircraft

Group C

A feather

A torch

A low calorie beer 

ANSWER:  Group A- a face,  Group B- trim,  Group C- light 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What do the following sentences have in common?

Tracy, no panic in a pony cart!

But not now a wonton tub!

Marge let a moody baby doom a telegram.

 
 
 
 
 
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/      

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.