WELCOME to Tuesday, July 26, 2016.
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Really?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left
It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza. The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.” -Conan O’Brien
“Last night was night three of the Republican Convention, and if you thought the first two nights were exciting – then you really need to get out more.” -James Corden
“There’s a new weather phenomenon, causing unusually high temperatures, expected to get up to 115 degrees in some states. So, don’t go to some of those states. And the fear is that the heat dome will turn into a thunderdome, and we’ll have to turn to Mad Max to help us.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I look like a banker in this.”
ANSWER: Major League! Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) said this at the fancy French restaurant where the three teammates went to dine. Vaughn was wearing a denim shirt with the sleeves cut off and a tie, which was required dress code at the restaurant. “Major League” also starred Wesley Snipes and Tom Berenger.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Don’t touch the Johnson bar; it’ll explode the fuel casing! And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above one-sixty, just turn that little nut down there one-quarter turn! There’s a little screwdriver there; just put it in and turn it one-quarter. Now, listen Billy, we’re going into a tunnel; don’t stand up because the clearance is only four feet…ugghhh! I’m okay; I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap!”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Two children, who were all tangled up in their reckoning of the days of the week, paused on their way to school to straighten matters out. “When the day after tomorrow is yesterday,” said Priscilla, “then ‘today’ will be as far from Sunday as that day was which was ‘today’ when the day before yesterday was tomorrow!”
On which day of the week did this puzzling prattle occur?
ANSWER: The two children were so befogged over the calendar that they had started on their way to school on Sunday morning!
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Find the words that fit in the spaces below, and make two new words.
Example: Air PORT Wine
1. Swimming _ _ _ _ Table
2. Free _ _ _ Ward
3. Wisdom _ _ _ _ _ Ache
4. Bear _ _ _ _ Up
5. Watch _ _ _ _ _ Gang
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/