Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, July 25, 2016.  

Here’s the story……

In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet. 

1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other. 

2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space. 

3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators. 

4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like “May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder” must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: “Do Not Purchase – Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental.” 

5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: “This Door Is Locked for No Reason.” 

6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway. 

7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase. 

8. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, “Now what do I want?” and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot. 

9. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad. I was imagining if my dad was running for president, and I thought about it for a long time. I think my speech would say, ‘My dad taught me the most important thing – when someone offers you his finger and asks you to pull it, don’t. Nothing good comes of it.'” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure.” -Seth Meyers

“Scientists have discovered that men are genetically programed to look at other women. So sorry, ladies, it’s science. I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. 

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(“desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. 

It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo. Emoji 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken – if the lieutenant is indeed a woman – then she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!”

ANSWER: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective! Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey) said this after Dan Marino (himself) pointed out that Lieutenant Einhorn (Sean Young) was “hiding the candy”. In the back of her underwear was a large male unit. All the onlookers, including police, SWAT team, Dan Marino, and Snowflake the Dolphin, spat at the sight of it, because at some time in the past each of them had kissed her (or worse). The theme from “The Crying Game” began to play. This was a most heart wrenching (and stomach turning) scene, and, very surprisingly, did not garner an Oscar nomination for either Carrey or Young.  

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I look like a banker in this.”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Following are groups of three words. Can you figure out the common link within each group? 

Example: Hurricane, camera, needle (answer: eyes)

1: Barber, Rooster, Beehive

2: Bowling Alley, Tailor, Wrestling Match

3: Telephone, Deck of Cards, Car Trunk

4: Fishing Rod, Actor, Checkout Counter

5: Watermelon, Tennis Tournament, Idea  

ANSWER:  1: Combs  2: Pins  3: Jacks  4: Lines  5: Seeds 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Two children, who were all tangled up in their reckoning of the days of the week, paused on their way to school to straighten matters out. “When the day after tomorrow is yesterday,” said Priscilla, “then ‘today’ will be as far from Sunday as that day was which was ‘today’ when the day before yesterday was tomorrow!”

On which day of the week did this puzzling prattle occur?

                                                                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

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