WELCOME to Friday, July 15, 2016.
Steven Wright 101……….
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… Boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”… What’s my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… The study of milkmen.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: “Lost–$50. If found, just keep it.”
I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… You can’t hear him talk.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“All things must change to something new, to something strange.” –Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.” –Will Rogers
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” –Mitch Hedberg
“According to a new study, the larger the age difference between married couples, the more likely they are to get a divorce. Or as gold-diggers call that, ‘the point.'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Does anyone here have allergies? For those of you who do have allergies, you can request a foam rubber pillow.”
ANSWER: Revenge of the Nerds! Dean Ulich (David Wohl) said this to the freshmen after they were displaced from the freshman dorm to the gymnasium after the Alpha Betas’ house burned down. Coach Harris (John Goodman) just rolled his eyes after he heard this. Both Poindexter and Dean Ulich raised their hands, after the Dean posed the question.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “The only Greek I know owns the restaurant, Jimmy Piersolis. Remember him? He had an ugly wife, four ugly kids, and good coffee.”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you figure out the famous quote below?
Aye, dame, I am befuddled. But in the forenoon I will be clear-headed and you will still be unsightly.
ANSWER: Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. This humorous quote was furnished by Winston Churchill (1874-1965), British prime minister and author.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
What has wings,
But can not fly.
But can outside also lie.
Can open itself up,
Or close itself away.
Is the place of kings and queens,
And doggerel of every means.
What is it upon which I stand?
Which can lead us to different lands.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. www.GodLovesPraise.com.