WELCOME to Tuesday, July 5, 2016.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Why Isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”
My wife’s star sign was cancer and it’s quite ironic how she died really…She was attacked by a giant crab.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half…”
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Canada, Sir.”
“Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just up-tight, homely women and hockey players up there.”
“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Canada!”
The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine.”
ANSWER: Fast Times at Ridgemont High!
The infamous Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli said this line. This 1982 flick turned out many famous actors such as Nicolas Cage, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Phoebe Cates, and Forest Whitaker.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “What I’m trying to say Julie, is that it’s really hard for me to say what I’m trying to say.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
My veins extend beneath the earth,
My hands raised toward the sky,
I can seem to live forever,
Though many times I die.
I cry when I am wounded,
Sweet tears that help me heal,
I mourn and take off all my clothes,
When bitterness I feel.
What am I?
ANSWER: I am a Tree. The first section refers to roots and the tree’s hibernation in winter. The second section refers to tree sap and the shedding of leaves when it gets bitter cold.
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Beginning with the word “AT”, continue adding letters from the given pool to create new words, until you are left with a seven-letter word that means “shaped like an open palm”. You can add a letter to any spot in the word, but you cannot mix-up the order of letters while doing so.
Pool: A E L M P
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/