Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

9-funny-drawings.preview

WELCOME to Friday, July 29, 2016.   

NO RESPECT 101……

“Good crowd…good crowd. I’m telling you I could use a good crowd. I’m ok now but last week I was in rough shape… Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!”

“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”

“When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father…I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!”

“I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.”

“I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

“Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them.? He said..I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.”

“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark…”

“On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.”

“I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.”

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis 

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield 

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin 

 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.Emoji 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You die. She walks out of here with a severe limp.” 

ANSWER: Weird Science! Chet Donnelly (Bill Paxton) said this to Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) after Chet came home and saw the house trashed from the party thrown by Gary and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith). Chet found Gary and his new girlfriend sleeping in the bed together. Chet aimed a shotgun at the two of them and uttered the above quote. Chet was quite upset because it was snowing in his room and that his Nanny and Grampy were not “having fun being comatose in a closet”. Paxton was hilarious as Chet. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Vanity, definitely my favorite sin.’ 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Fill in the blanks below with three 4-letter words that are anagrams of each other (they all contain the same four letters):

“The man ____ ____ of money because he couldn’t walk away from the ____ machines.”   

ANSWER:  The letters L-O-S-T

Blank 1: LOST

Blank 2: LOTS

Blank 3: SLOT  

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

The answers to the two clues in each line below are six letter words that differ by only one letter. Example, if you trade off the p from stripe with the letter k in the same position you get strike. (chevron=stripe, hit=strike)

1. sew___swap____

2. ravine__mounted gun____

3. grumble___green club___

4. short doze___Tabby’s treat___

5. stronghold ___ranch animals___

 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Advertisements

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

7-funny-drawings.preview

WELCOME to Thursday, July 28, 2016.  

You Are No Longer “Cool” When……

You find yourself listening to talk radio. 

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. 

The pattern on your shorts and couch match. 

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. 

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. 

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. 

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. 

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. 

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. 

When jogging is something you do to your memory. 

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. 

All the cars behind you flash their headlights. 

You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation. 

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes. 

You actually ASK for your father’s advice. 

You don’t know how to operate your new computer. 

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

 “The manager of English soccer team Manchester United has banned his players from playing Pokemon Go. The Manchester United manager said, ‘I want my players thinking about soccer, not some fun game where interesting things happen.'” -Conan O’Brien

“The theme for the Democrats today at the Democratic Convention is ‘United Together.’ Which really is the best way to be united. So much better than being united apart.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said of Hillary Clinton, ‘She’s not always flashy, and there are better speechmakers, but she knows her stuff.’ Man, I’d hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date. ‘She’s got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don’t wanna die alone, do ya?'” -Seth Meyers

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said “Honk if you love Jesus.”

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, “Can’t you see the light is still red, you MORON!?”Emoji (Our world today! 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? First Man: “Nenge? Nenge Mboko from Cameroon? It is me, Lionel Joseph.” Second Man: “Lionel – from the African Educational Conference!” 

ANSWER: Trading Places! Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) is ‘First Man’ and Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) is ‘Second Man’. This exchange took place when they were on the train and disguised with black face paint, dreadlocks, and African cultural attire. They acted as if they had only met each other once in the past, but it was just a plot to trick the evil Clarence Beeks (Paul Gleason). “Ma-bulee ma-bulee, ma-bulee, Hah! Ma-bulee, ma-bulee, ma-bulee, Hah!” “Trading Places” is definitely one of the funniest movies of all time, and makes a run at “Animal House” and “Caddyshack” for the top spot.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You die. She walks out of here with a severe limp.”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

 Although much water you see,

by definition, “desert” fits me.

In the winter I double in size,

but staying away is a word for the wise.

I am very windy, that is a clue,

What am I? Good luck to you. 

ANSWER:   Antarctica.  Antarctica is full of snow and ice – forms of water. It receives less than 10 inches of precipitation a year, which makes it a desert. In the winter, water freezes around it, doubling its size. The extremely cold temperatures are deadly for humans.

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Fill in the blanks below with three 4-letter words that are anagrams of each other (they all contain the same four letters):

“The man ____ ____ of money because he couldn’t walk away from the ____ machines.”

 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

1-funny-drawings.jpg

WELCOME to Wednesday, July 27, 2016.    

Business 101……..

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. – Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

A crisis is when you cannot say “let’s just forget the whole thing.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it. George Santayana 

To live is like to love – all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it. Samuel Butler 

Less is more. Ludwig Mies van der Rohe 

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. Robert Green 

To be or not to be. That’s not really a question. Jean-Luc Godard 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. 

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, “Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!”

Sister Mary, crying, asks, “But Mother Superior, aren’t you happy that the abbey is warm?” To which the Mother Superior replies, “Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve.”Emoji 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Don’t touch the Johnson bar; it’ll explode the fuel casing! And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above one-sixty, just turn that little nut down there one-quarter turn! There’s a little screwdriver there; just put it in and turn it one-quarter. Now, listen Billy, we’re going into a tunnel; don’t stand up because the clearance is only four feet…ugghhh! I’m okay; I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap!” 

ANSWER: The Jerk! Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) said this after Billy went for a joyride on the miniature train at the carnival. Navin chased him around the track yelling the above quote. The “ugghhh” was when Navin bashed his skull off the tunnel. This is how he met his future wife, though. 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? First Man: “Nenge? Nenge Mboko from Cameroon? It is me, Lionel Joseph.” Second Man: “Lionel – from the African Educational Conference!”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Find the words that fit in the spaces below, and make two new words.

Example: Air PORT Wine

1. Swimming _ _ _ _ Table

2. Free _ _ _ Ward

3. Wisdom _ _ _ _ _ Ache

4. Bear _ _ _ _ Up

5. Watch _ _ _ _ _ Gang  

ANSWER:  1. POOL  2. WAY  3. TOOTH 4. HOLD  5. CHAIN 

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Although much water you see,

by definition, “desert” fits me.

In the winter I double in size,

but staying away is a word for the wise.

I am very windy, that is a clue,

What am I? Good luck to you.

                                                                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

d26c511a38b62ec9a2faf464b798e755

WELCOME to Tuesday, July 26, 2016.   

Tuesday’s Ponderings……

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? 

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? 

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. 

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? 

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! 

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it? 

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Really?

War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left 

It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. 

On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza. The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.” -Conan O’Brien

“Last night was night three of the Republican Convention, and if you thought the first two nights were exciting – then you really need to get out more.” -James Corden

“There’s a new weather phenomenon, causing unusually high temperatures, expected to get up to 115 degrees in some states. So, don’t go to some of those states. And the fear is that the heat dome will turn into a thunderdome, and we’ll have to turn to Mad Max to help us.” -Jimmy Kimmel

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. Emoji  

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “I look like a banker in this.”

ANSWER: Major League! Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) said this at the fancy French restaurant where the three teammates went to dine. Vaughn was wearing a denim shirt with the sleeves cut off and a tie, which was required dress code at the restaurant. “Major League” also starred Wesley Snipes and Tom Berenger. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Don’t touch the Johnson bar; it’ll explode the fuel casing! And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above one-sixty, just turn that little nut down there one-quarter turn! There’s a little screwdriver there; just put it in and turn it one-quarter. Now, listen Billy, we’re going into a tunnel; don’t stand up because the clearance is only four feet…ugghhh! I’m okay; I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap!”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Two children, who were all tangled up in their reckoning of the days of the week, paused on their way to school to straighten matters out. “When the day after tomorrow is yesterday,” said Priscilla, “then ‘today’ will be as far from Sunday as that day was which was ‘today’ when the day before yesterday was tomorrow!”

On which day of the week did this puzzling prattle occur?  

ANSWER:  The two children were so befogged over the calendar that they had started on their way to school on Sunday morning! 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Find the words that fit in the spaces below, and make two new words.

Example: Air PORT Wine

1. Swimming _ _ _ _ Table

2. Free _ _ _ Ward

3. Wisdom _ _ _ _ _ Ache

4. Bear _ _ _ _ Up

5. Watch _ _ _ _ _ Gang

                                                                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

funny-527

WELCOME to Monday, July 25, 2016.  

Here’s the story……

In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet. 

1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other. 

2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space. 

3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators. 

4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like “May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder” must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: “Do Not Purchase – Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental.” 

5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: “This Door Is Locked for No Reason.” 

6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway. 

7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase. 

8. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, “Now what do I want?” and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot. 

9. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad. I was imagining if my dad was running for president, and I thought about it for a long time. I think my speech would say, ‘My dad taught me the most important thing – when someone offers you his finger and asks you to pull it, don’t. Nothing good comes of it.'” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure.” -Seth Meyers

“Scientists have discovered that men are genetically programed to look at other women. So sorry, ladies, it’s science. I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do.” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. 

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(“desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. 

It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo. Emoji 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken – if the lieutenant is indeed a woman – then she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!”

ANSWER: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective! Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey) said this after Dan Marino (himself) pointed out that Lieutenant Einhorn (Sean Young) was “hiding the candy”. In the back of her underwear was a large male unit. All the onlookers, including police, SWAT team, Dan Marino, and Snowflake the Dolphin, spat at the sight of it, because at some time in the past each of them had kissed her (or worse). The theme from “The Crying Game” began to play. This was a most heart wrenching (and stomach turning) scene, and, very surprisingly, did not garner an Oscar nomination for either Carrey or Young.  

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I look like a banker in this.”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Following are groups of three words. Can you figure out the common link within each group? 

Example: Hurricane, camera, needle (answer: eyes)

1: Barber, Rooster, Beehive

2: Bowling Alley, Tailor, Wrestling Match

3: Telephone, Deck of Cards, Car Trunk

4: Fishing Rod, Actor, Checkout Counter

5: Watermelon, Tennis Tournament, Idea  

ANSWER:  1: Combs  2: Pins  3: Jacks  4: Lines  5: Seeds 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Two children, who were all tangled up in their reckoning of the days of the week, paused on their way to school to straighten matters out. “When the day after tomorrow is yesterday,” said Priscilla, “then ‘today’ will be as far from Sunday as that day was which was ‘today’ when the day before yesterday was tomorrow!”

On which day of the week did this puzzling prattle occur?

                                                                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

7715e7ea54a010649d68b3a7198a8920

WELCOME to Friday, July 22, 2016.  

Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers 

Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.

Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr.

Mega Hertz: when you not careful getting the firewood.

Lap top: where the cat sleeps.

Hard drive: manoeuvring thought those rocky fields on the northern range when there is snow in the ground.

Windows: what to shut when it’s cold outside.

Byte: what mosquitoes do.

Modem: what I did to the hay fields.

Keyboard: where the keys hang.

Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.” –Henry Morgan

“The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.” –Mark Twain

“To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.” –George Orwell  

 
 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

 Once, an engineer, a physicist and a safety officer all applied for the same job.

The Managing Director interviewed all three, and thought all were excellent. He had to think of some way to find the best person. So he told them all to come back the next day and tell him the exact height of the building. The one who was closest would get the job.

The physicist went to the top of the building, and dropped iron balls to the ground, and had his friend timed the balls. He did this several times.

The engineer got out a sextant, and computed ratios of a yardstick to the building.

The next day, the manager asks all three of them to tell how tall the building is.

’75 feet, 2.8 inches,’ says the physicist.

’76 feet, 4.1 inches,’ says the engineer.

’75 feet, 8.4 inches,’ says the safety officer.

‘My Goodness, said the MD, ‘the safety officer got it exactly correct. How did you manage that?’

‘Well’, said the safety officer, ‘I went down to the planning department and looked up the height in the building records.’Emoji 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You might recognize this song, as performed by Jefferson Airplane in a little rockumentary called “Gimme Shelter”, about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night, the Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels had their way. Tonight, it’s my turn.” 

ANSWER:  The Cable Guy! The Cable Guy, aka Chip Douglas, (Jim Carrey) said this at the party just before he was about to take his turn at Karaoke. He actually did a pretty cool rendition of the Airplane’s “Somebody to Love”, using a type of throat-warbling to make him sound something like Grace Slick. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken – if the lieutenant is indeed a woman – then she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!”

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

BARD

BARN
BARE
 

ANSWER:  end up behind bars.  The word “END” is spelled in an upward direction behind three occurrences of the word “BAR”.

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Following are groups of three words. Can you figure out the common link within each group? 

Example: Hurricane, camera, needle (answer: eyes)

1: Barber, Rooster, Beehive

2: Bowling Alley, Tailor, Wrestling Match

3: Telephone, Deck of Cards, Car Trunk

4: Fishing Rod, Actor, Checkout Counter

5: Watermelon, Tennis Tournament, Idea

                                                                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

17063000ififi_sm

WELCOME to Thursday, July 21, 2016.   

Here’s the story………. 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.Emoji

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

DAILY QUOTES….   

“Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement – which would have made him a Pence dispenser.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Construction has just started on a two-mile underground ‘beer pipeline’ in Europe. Which explains why today, Britain changed its mind on Brexit.” -Conan O’Brien

“A math blogger says he’s figured out ‘the world’s favorite number.’ It turns out that it’s 7. The least popular number? The fake phone number you get when you tell a girl you’re a math blogger.” -Jimmy Fallon

 
 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

 I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men’s room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, “Please Wiggel Handel”. 

Below that some wit had written, “If I do, will it wiggel Bach?” Emoji

 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “That restaurant was really good. I mean, I liked it, up until the attempted whacking.” 

ANSWER:  Analyze That! Laura Sobel (Lisa Kudrow) said this after her and Dr. Ben Sobel (Billy Crystal) returned home from having dinner. An attempt was made on the life of mobster Paul Vitti (Robert De Niro) at the restaurant. This movie started out slow but was actually a pretty good sequel.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You might recognize this song, as performed by Jefferson Airplane in a little rockumentary called “Gimme Shelter”, about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night, the Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels had their way. Tonight, it’s my turn.”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Even though this is a group of superheroes, which one does not belong?

Spiderman

The Hulk

Batman

Thor

Iron Man

Captain America

Nightcrawler  

ANSWER: This is a list of “Marvel” comic superheroes. Batman does not belong. Batman made his first appearance as a comic book superhero in DC Comics “Detective Comics No. 27, May 1939”. Bob Kane has been credited with the original creation of Batman  

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

BARD
BARN
BARE

 
                                                                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.