WELCOME to Friday, July 29, 2016.
NO RESPECT 101……
“Good crowd…good crowd. I’m telling you I could use a good crowd. I’m ok now but last week I was in rough shape… Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!”
“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”
“When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father…I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
“When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!”
“I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.”
“I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”
“Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them.? He said..I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.”
“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark…”
“On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.”
“I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.”
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You die. She walks out of here with a severe limp.”
ANSWER: Weird Science! Chet Donnelly (Bill Paxton) said this to Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) after Chet came home and saw the house trashed from the party thrown by Gary and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith). Chet found Gary and his new girlfriend sleeping in the bed together. Chet aimed a shotgun at the two of them and uttered the above quote. Chet was quite upset because it was snowing in his room and that his Nanny and Grampy were not “having fun being comatose in a closet”. Paxton was hilarious as Chet.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Vanity, definitely my favorite sin.’
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the blanks below with three 4-letter words that are anagrams of each other (they all contain the same four letters):
“The man ____ ____ of money because he couldn’t walk away from the ____ machines.”
ANSWER: The letters L-O-S-T
Blank 1: LOST
Blank 2: LOTS
Blank 3: SLOT
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The answers to the two clues in each line below are six letter words that differ by only one letter. Example, if you trade off the p from stripe with the letter k in the same position you get strike. (chevron=stripe, hit=strike)
2. ravine__mounted gun____
3. grumble___green club___
4. short doze___Tabby’s treat___
5. stronghold ___ranch animals___
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/