Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, May 16, 2016.   

Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.

Female Procedure:

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down.  Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  4. Tell person on mobile ‘phone you will call them back and hang up.  Attempt to insert card into machine.
  5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.  Insert card.
  6. Re-insert card the right way.
  7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  8. Enter PIN.
  9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  10. Enter amount of cash required.
  11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
  12. Retrieve cash and receipt
  13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  14. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
  15. Re-check makeup.
  16. Drive forward 2 feet.
  17. Reverse back to cash machine.
  18. Retrieve card.
  19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
  21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  22. Redial person on cell phone.
  23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  24. Release Parking Brake.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“A company will make a life-size 3D printed model of yourself that you can send to your mom for $30,000. It’s a great way of telling your mom I’d rather spend $30,000 than visit you in person.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A new study suggests that a chemical released when a person is hungry can lead to poor decision-making. It’s what Taco Bell calls ‘our entire business model.'” -Seth Meyers

“Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you’ve been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married.” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!   

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.” 

Answer: Dumb and Dumber! Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) said this to Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) after seeing the plains of the Midwest. They were supposed to have reached Colorado that morning, but Lloyd got on the eastbound highway instead of westbound, and drove them “a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction”. However, Lloyd was able to “totally redeem” himself later on when he traded the van for a mini-bike. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Instead of a guard dog, they’ve got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace. But the shopkeeper and his son, that’s a different story altogether; I had to beat them to death with their own shoes.” 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar

2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench

3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers

4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam  

ANSWER: 1) cave brat & brave cat

2) witch daughter & ditch water

3) dairy foods & fairy dudes

4) touch down & Dutch town 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

I live above a star, and yet I never burn,

I have eleven neighbors, and yet none of them turn,

I am visited in sequence, first, last or in between, 

PRS (& sometimes Q) are my initials, 

Now, tell me what I mean.

 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MR. ANDY ZARUBA! PURE GENIUS WORK ANDY! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji                

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

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