Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, May 31, 2016.  

Tombstone….

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah. I wonder if he died knowing he won the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest! His headstone reads:

Five Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life:

  1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
  2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
  3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
  4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
  5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“It is Fleet Week here in New York City. Over 4,000 service members come to New York City during Fleet Week. So if you see a lot of people happy to be off a giant ship, they’re either sailors or they just got off a Carnival Cruise.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“Several former contestants from the show ‘The Biggest Loser’ are suing the show for abuse. The contestants said, ‘We were completely unprepared for being mistreated when we signed up to be on a show called ‘The Biggest Loser.'” -Conan O’Brien

“The electronics company LG identified a new phenomenon called low-battery anxiety. People become nervous, distracted, and frustrated when their phones are about to die. If you are not familiar with low-battery anxiety, it’s a real condition that primarily affects people with no actual problems.” -James Corden  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

 I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting. Emoji 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You said you couldn’t believe in anyone who didn’t believe in you. I believed in you. I just didn’t believe in me.” 

Answer:  Pretty in Pink! This was said by Blane to Andy at the end of the movie. This popular teen flick from 1986 also starred Molly Ringwald and Jonathon Cryer. 

 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I have your car towed all the way to your house and all you’ve got for me is light beer.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser, your job is to discover the missing word that links the two given words. The dashes indicate the number of letters in the missing word. Good luck!

i.e. WAR – FARE – WELL

1. ARM _ _ _ _ _ LIFT

2. CREAM _ _ _ _ ADDER

3. WOOD _ _ _ _ BENCH

4. SHOULDER _ _ _ _ _ POCKET

5. CANDY _ _ _ _ WASHER  

ANSWER: 1. ARM (CHAIR) LIFT

2. CREAM (PUFF) ADDER

3. WOOD (WORK) BENCH

4. SHOULDER (PATCH) POCKET

5. CANDY (DISH) WASHER 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Five words that contain MB as a letter-pair have had all of their other letters removed and placed into a pool. Put those letters back in their proper places. What are the words?

-MB–, –MB-, —MB, —MB–, —MB—

Pool: C, D, E, E, E, I, I, J, L, L, N, O, O, O, R, R, S, T, U, U

 

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

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Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, May 25, 2016.  

Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering….

1. The matrimonial pollsters contend their studies indicate the man who kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves for work every morning averages a higher income than does the fellow who doesn’t do that thing. Husbands who exercise the rituals of affection tend to be more painstaking, more stable, more methodical, thus higher earners, it’s believed.

2.  The heart is the most common symbol of romantic love. Ancient cultures believed the human soul lived in the heart. Others thought it to be the source of emotion and intelligence. Some believed the heart embodied a man’s truth, strength and nobility. The heart may be associated with love because the ancient Greeks believed it was the target of Eros, known as Cupid to the Romans. Anyone shot in the heart by one of Cupid’s arrows would fall hopelessly in love. Because the heart is so closely linked to love, it’s red color is thought to be the most romantic.

3. To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong admit it;

Whenever you’re right shut up. – Ogden Nash.

4. Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done. Marriage contract – St Catherine?

Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got married.

5. The alleged most commonly used words of endearment: Honey (48%), Baby (44%), Sweetheart (41%), Dear (39%), Lover (32%), Darling (31%), Sugar (24%), Angel (20%), Pumpkin (13%), Beautiful (6%).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.” –Groucho Marx 

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” –Henny Youngman 

“In love, one and one are one.” –Jean-Paul Sartre   

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

He ignored his wife Paula’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

Paula looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

‘That’s OK, darling,’ Philip said. ‘You still have me.’

Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. ‘Yes, Philip,’ she wailed, ‘but you don’t work either.’Emoji 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab it is the coolest invention of the 20th Century!” 

Answer:  Girls Just Want to Have Fun! This quote was said by Lynne Stone played by Helen Hunt. This 1984 dance flick also starred Sarah Jessica Parker, Shannen Doherty, Lee Montgomery, and Johnathon Silverman. 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You said you couldn’t believe in anyone who didn’t believe in you. I believed in you. I just didn’t believe in me.”

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

John, Paul, George, and Ringo all enter a race, but there is nobody at the finish line to judge the ending. When the judge finally shows up to award the prize for coming in first, these are the statements the four of them make:

John: I was neither first nor last.

Paul: I did not finish last.

George: I won the race!

Ringo: I came in last.

The judge starts to hand George the prize, when Yoko, who was watching the race, says, “Exactly one of these four is lying.”

To whom should the judge grant the prize? 

ANSWER: The prize should go to Paul.

If John is lying, then George and Ringo would be telling the truth, which would mean John was not lying, so he can’t be the liar.

If Paul was lying, then Ringo would also be lying, so he must be telling the truth, as well.

So we now know that neither John nor Paul finished last. If Ringo was lying, then George would have finished last, which would mean that he was lying, as well. So Ringo can’t be lying.

This leaves George as our liar, so we know George did not finish first. Neither did Ringo (he finished last), nor did John (he finished neither first nor last). Therefore, Paul won the race!

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser, your job is to discover the missing word that links the two given words. The dashes indicate the number of letters in the missing word. Good luck!

i.e. WAR – FARE – WELL

1. ARM _ _ _ _ _ LIFT

2. CREAM _ _ _ _ ADDER

3. WOOD _ _ _ _ BENCH

4. SHOULDER _ _ _ _ _ POCKET

5. CANDY _ _ _ _ WASHER

 

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, May 24, 2016.   

HERE’S THE STORY…

A chain of stores that sells husbands has just opened in a town near you.  The idea is that a single woman may visit the store an choose her husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch …  You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a spouse.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord. 

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. 

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. 

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 5,3018 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Happy Birthday to legendary boxer Sugar Ray Leonard, who turned 60 years old yesterday! You can tell he’s getting older by his new name – Splenda Ray Leonard.” -Jimmy Fallon

“This week a California man recorded his wife giving birth, and accidentally live streamed it to the world on Facebook. I’ve heard of people on Facebook oversharing, but ovary sharing? ” -James Corden

“Over the weekend, a man broke the world record for ‘Donkey Kong,’ making it through the entire game using up just one life. That’s right – his own.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up an 8-foot fence. The next morning, however, the kangaroo was out again, idly roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to ten feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming about the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was 20 feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo replied, “Who knows? Maybe 50 feet. Unless somebody starts locking the gate at night.” Emoji  

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “It’s a tough world and these kids nearly got ‘munsoned’, but they’re back.” 

Answer:  Kingpin! Ernie McCracken (Bill Murray) said this on a public service announcement which was broadcast on TV during the bowling tournament. “Big Ern”, as he liked to be called, was a member of an organization that provided “big brothers” for young boys without fathers. McCracken vowed to sponsor a child in every city in which he bowled; that was, if the kids had young, good-looking, single mothers. The term ‘munsoned’ grew out of the main character’s name. Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) was told by his father when he was young that someday the name ‘Munson’ would be synonymous with ‘champion’. Roy became a drunken loser, and the term ‘munson’ instead became synonymous with ‘failure’. A truly unforgettable (and hilarious) exercise in irony. “Big Ern” also had another great quote when he told a diner waitress, “Doll, do me a favor. Wash off that perfume before coming back to this table. Thanks.” Very, very funny movie.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab it is the coolest invention of the 20th Century!”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Let’s get ready for challenge.

I think you know where I am.

Because, as you know, I hold lots of knowledge.

Really, I can lend a helping hand.

Although since people most often come for

Riveting good stories and tales,

You, my friend, can find knowledge in me.

Whether it be history, science, or Braille.

I cannot be held in your hand, you see.

I’m quite a bit larger than that.

So come right in, and let’s begin.

Put on your thinking cap!  

ANSWER: A library. (Also, the first letter of the first few lines spell out “library”) 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

John, Paul, George, and Ringo all enter a race, but there is nobody at the finish line to judge the ending. When the judge finally shows up to award the prize for coming in first, these are the statements the four of them make:

John: I was neither first nor last.

Paul: I did not finish last.

George: I won the race!

Ringo: I came in last.

The judge starts to hand George the prize, when Yoko, who was watching the race, says, “Exactly one of these four is lying.”

To whom should the judge grant the prize?

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER AWARD GOES TO MR. ANDY ZARUBA! GREAT JOB ANDY!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, May 23, 2016.  

Male-Organised Courses for Women

Note:  That due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? – Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme

Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.Funny Men Classes

Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined

Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Over 400 passengers missed their flights at Chicago O’Hare on Sunday because of the TSA security lines which were up to three hours long. It’s bad news for travelers, but good news for dads who insisted on getting to the airport five hours early.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The Mexican restaurant Chipotle, which has seen decreasing sales since its recent norovirus outbreak, is trying to win customers back with a contest where one lucky winner will receive free burritos for a year. To me, this seems like one of those contests where the winner is also the loser.” -James Corden

“According to a new study, there have been more deaths this year from selfie-related incidents than there have been from shark attacks. Good.” -Seth Meyers  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”

John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”

George: “So what are you looking for?”

John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality — and money, she’s got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”

George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”

John: “Oh, it’s okay if she is crazy.”  

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Over? Did you say, ‘Over’? Nothing is over until we say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no. And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the going get tough, the tough get going. Who’s with me? Let’s go!” 

Answer:  Animal House! Bluto (John Belushi) said this in response to the comment by D-Day (Bruce McGill) that, “The war’s over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.” Bluto and the boys went on to trash the homecoming parade and exact their revenge. In what is arguably the greatest comedy movie of all time, this is the scene that will live in infamy. “Germans?” 

 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “It’s a tough world and these kids nearly got ‘munsoned’, but they’re back.”

TODAY’S TRIVIA MASTER AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD!  WAY2GO KIM!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

In the following code, each symbol stands for one of five letters. 

+ stands for I, J, G, A, or M

* stands for N, B, P, Q, or W

= stands for R, U, C, X, or T

& stands for H, E, K, Z, or Y

? stands for O, L, F, H, or V 

The five letter code word, *?+=&, can be translated into two English words that are opposites. What are the two words?  

ANSWER: White and Black. 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Let’s get ready for challenge.

I think you know where I am.

Because, as you know, I hold lots of knowledge.

Really, I can lend a helping hand.

Although since people most often come for

Riveting good stories and tales,

You, my friend, can find knowledge in me.

Whether it be history, science, or Braille.

I cannot be held in your hand, you see.

I’m quite a bit larger than that.

So come right in, and let’s begin.

Put on your thinking cap!

 

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, May 20, 2016.   

Academic Jargon……

‘CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE’ …

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

‘ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS’ …

Rumour has it.

‘A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE

OF THESE FINDINGS’ …

A really wild guess.

‘A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA’ …

Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

‘IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS’ …

I don’t understand it….and I never will.

‘AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES’ …

They don’t understand it either.

‘A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY’ …

A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

‘IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD’ …

I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.  Oscar Wilde

‘At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.’ PG Wodehouse

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel Butler

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

‘The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.’  Samuel Butler

A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.  Bertrand Russell  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

A New Yorker called and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?’

I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ She replied, ‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude.

‘After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I thought under my breath, a good job she wasn’t going to Show Low airport in Arizona (SOW).Emoji 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “He’s nothing; don’t worry about him. It’s The Blimp next to him…The Blimp! When he puts on that mask, he’ll blow your darn doors off!”  

Answer:  The Cannonball Run! Jamie Blake (Dean Martin) said this to his partner, Morris Fenderbaum (Sammy Davis, Jr.) before the start of the race when they were sizing up their competition. The Blimp was Victor Prinzim, aka Captain Chaos, (Dom Deluise) and his partner was J.J. McClure (Burt Reynolds). Victor “always wanted to be Captain USA.” 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Over? Did you say, ‘Over’? Nothing is over until we say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no. And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the going get tough, the tough get going. Who’s with me? Let’s go!”

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What does this mean?

tree ri_ge tree  

ANSWER: Partridge in a pear tree 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

In the following code, each symbol stands for one of five letters.

+ stands for I, J, G, A, or M

* stands for N, B, P, Q, or W

= stands for R, U, C, X, or T

& stands for H, E, K, Z, or Y

? stands for O, L, F, H, or V

The five letter code word, *?+=&, can be translated into two English words that are opposites. What are the two words?

 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Funny-Tires-You-Need-Them-17

WELCOME to Thursday, May 19, 2016.  

Evening Classes for Men…………

1) LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other – Help line and support groups

2) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint Presentation

3) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

4) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

5) LIVING WITH ADULTS; 

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

6) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises,

meditation and breathing techniques

7) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or smartphone to class

8) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counselors available

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis.” -Conan O’Brien

“A 70-year-old woman in India recently gave birth to a baby boy. The baby and his mother are doing fine. The doctor, however, is still recovering.” -Seth Meyers

“Today it was announced that a Russian man will be the recipient of the world’s first head transplant. Could you imagine getting a new body and then looking in the mirror and being like, ‘Seriously? A butterfly tattoo?'” -James Corden 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. 

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” 

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, sir, you’ll have to do that yourself.” Emoji   

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “He’s a beach dog.” 

Answer:  Summer School! Freddie Shoop (Mark Harmon), said this to the cops when they were arresting him for furnishing alcohol to minors. The cops also threatened to fine him for having a dog on the beach. He tried to lie his way out of it by saying, “That’s not my dog. He’s a stray. I found him on the beach. He’s a beach dog.” “Summer School” (1987) is a very funny, yet underrated, comedy movie. It also stars Kirstie Alley, Dean Cameron, Shawnee Smith, and Courtney Thorne-Smith.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “He’s nothing; don’t worry about him. It’s The Blimp next to him…The Blimp! When he puts on that mask, he’ll blow your darn doors off!” 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

1. How will you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?

2. How will you put a zebra in a fridge in 4 steps?

3. The King of the Jungle, the lion, is having a wedding ceremony. All of the animals come to attend the ceremony except one. Which one is it and why doesn’t it come?

4. A man has to desperately cross the river to get from one place to the other in a jungle. The river is known for having deadly alligators in it. There is no boat. How is he going to make it to the other place? 

ANSWER: 1. Step one: Open the fridge Step two: Put the elephant inside  Step three: Close the fridge

2. Step one: Open the fridge  Step two: Take the elephant out  Step three: Put the zebra inside  Step four: Close the fridge
3. Zebra, because he is inside the fridge  4. He will simply swim through the river, as all the alligators have gone to attend the lion’s wedding ceremony. 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What does this mean?

tree ri_ge tree

 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, May 18, 2016.    

RULES OF THE OFFICE 

If it rings, put it on hold;

If it clanks, call the repairman;

If it whistles, ignore it;

If it’s a friend, take a break;

If it’s the boss, look busy;

If it talks, take notes;

If it’s handwritten, type it;

If it’s typed, copy it;

If it’s copied, file it;

If It’s in a file, put it in alpha order;

If it’s Friday, forget it! 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

 “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” –Mark Twain 

“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” –Benjamin Franklin 

“Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.” –Arnold Palmer  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people’s fortunes. But, she doesn’t read palms or tea leaves, she smells one’s breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis. Emoji  

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Last night, Darth Vader came down from the planet Vulcan, and told me that if I didn’t take Lorraine out that he’d melt my brain.”  

Answer:  Back to the Future! The young George McFly (Crispin Glover) said this to Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) the morning after Marty appeared in George’s bedroom wearing an anti-radiation suit and blasting music into George’s ears through a Walkman. All this was an attempt to get George to take Lorraine to the “Enchantment Under the Sea Dance”. After all, George was her “density”. This one was especially for you, Lorraine McFly.  

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “He’s a beach dog.”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following are colloquialisms/idioms written in their literal form. Try to find all four.

Example: A Panthera Pardus is incapable of altering its texture. (A leopard can’t change its spots)

1. Revert to the first quadrilateral of equal sides and angles.

2. One suffering from Macular Degeneration guiding one with less than 1/10 of normal vision.

3. Restrain your multiple Equus caballus.

4. The writing utensil containing small amounts of ink is more puissant than the iron hand-held weapon. 

ANSWER: 1. Back to Square One–A term meaning to go back to the beginning, or the original idea.

2. Blind leading the blind–Term which means the person in charge knows no more than the person or people he is leading.

3. Hold your Horses–Meaning be patient and to wait.

4. The pen is mightier than the sword–A phrase that means you can get more accomplished by solving your problems in a calm way, than resorting to violence. 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

1. How will you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?

2. How will you put a zebra in a fridge in 4 steps?

3. The King of the Jungle, the lion, is having a wedding ceremony. All of the animals come to attend the ceremony except one. Which one is it and why doesn’t it come?

4. A man has to desperately cross the river to get from one place to the other in a jungle. The river is known for having deadly alligators in it. There is no boat. How is he going to make it to the other place?

 
 
 
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS.
WAY2GO BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji   
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.