WELCOME to Thursday, February 4, 2016.
What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned cowboy.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn’t hack it.
Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “dam”
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is “Many Hands make light work.”
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
What is a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and Squeak
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone….she was charged with driving while intalksicated.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
A horse is a very stable animal.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg
I used to be a baker, but I didn’t make enough dough.
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Old programmers never die, they just can’t C as well.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn’t my racket.
Without geometry, life is pointless
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“It’s being reported that a woman took her 5-year-old son along on a bank robbery. Apparently, she told the teller, ‘Give me all your money or I’m leaving my 5-year-old.'” -Conan O’Brien
“The Iowa caucuses are an important part of our election process. There are a few key differences between a caucus and a primary election. First one is, no one knows what a caucus is or how it works.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A law enforcement agency in Florida revealed that it paid 15 employees to get drunk to see if its breathalyzer tests worked. In related news, it looks like I’m gettin’ a second job!” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A young couple honeymooning in Las Vegas were down to their last two dollars. The groom told the bride that he had a feeling that he could turn the two bucks into a fortune if he went down to the casino alone.
Once in the casino, he put one dollar each into two slot machines and won Jackpots on both totaling $10,000. He then played blackjack for an hour until he had $50,000 in chips. Next, he played poker and upped his winnings to $100,000.
He was about to cash in his chips when he got a hunch that his luck hadn’t run out. So he took all his money and placed it on Black at the roulette table, hoping to double his money. But the ball came up Red. He returned to his hotel room.
“How did you do?” asked the bride.
The groom shrugged and said, “I lost two dollars.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘It’s an alternate universe man, completely unlike the one we know, filled with big blonde guys who eat ivy and row boats.’
Answer: Empire Records! Eddie said it about Harvard.
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Small ugly thing biting me.”
We’re all nuts .. can you name us?
1. Big country in South America.
2. A pod is my pad.
3. This came down in Germany.
4. Confection ingredient.
5. Sneaking a look-on.
6. Gorillas show dominance by beating this.
7. May be found in the company of a witch.
1-3 right. Sorry, you’re normal.
4-5 right. I’m beginning to worry about you!
6-7 right. Definitely certifiable nut expert!
ANSWER: 1. Brazil
3. Walnut (The Berlin wall)
5. Pecan (Peek on)
6. Chestnut (Gorillas drum on their chest as a threat)
7. Hazelnut (Witch Hazel)
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
What phrase is represented below?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/