Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

concrete-oxymoron

WELCOME to Tuesday, February 2, 2016.    

Steven Wright…………….. 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store…with a pricing gun…She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”

When I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…”Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”.I wrote “Doctor”…What’s my mother going to do?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“The American Academy of Pediatrics has suggested that people under the age of 18 should be banned from tanning salons. Parents that take their kids to tanning salons should be banned from parenting.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called a ‘crowbar.'” -Conan O’Brien

“The advocacy group One Million Moms has called for a boycott of the new Fox show ‘Lucifer’ because they believe the series ‘glorifies Satan,’ and is complaining to the show’s main sponsor, Olive Garden. Wait, Olive Garden sponsors Lucifer? I always assumed it was the other way around.” -Seth Meyers 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

To prepare for my daughter’s First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.

We lived there for only a short while, so I didn’t know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn’t remember.

After a brief silence, she said, “Ma’am, I’m talking about the name of the baby’s father.” 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Eat something, I’m begging you! You look like a swizzle stick.’  

Answer: In and Out! Cameron said this to his supermodel girlfriend. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Congratulations. On a scale of one to ten on the perversity meter you just hit a seventy three.’

 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….

I will make your day great

But during the night I’ll keep you up late.

Away the darkness runs from me

Just so that you may see.

By nature and by man I am made.

Call me and I’ll come to your aid.

Even though you may try so much

You’ll never touch.

I am faster than a speeding train,

Faster than any plane.

So who may I be?

You’ll just have to guess and see.   

ANSWER: Now I have to keep a deal

And my name I must reveal

I drive away the night

Because I am “the light” 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

After recent events, Question Mark is annoyed with his brother, Skid Mark. Skid thought it would be funny to hide Question’s wallet. He told Question that he would get it back if he finds it. So, first off, Skid laid five colored keys in a row. One of them is a key to a room where Skid is hiding Question’s wallet. Using the clues, can you determine the order of the keys and which is the right key?

Red: This key is somewhere to the left of the key to the door.

Blue: This key is not at one of the ends.

Green: This key is three spaces away from the key to the door (2 between).

Yellow: This key is next to the key to the door.

Orange: This key is in the middle.

 
    

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

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