WELCOME to Wednesday, January 27, 2016.
Middle of the week puns….
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
Never give your uncle an anteater.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld….the charge was playjerism.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn’t rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick ’em up!
What’s musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Every man is the builder of a temple called his body.”
–Henry David Thoreau
“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.”
“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.’
Answer: Wayne’s World! Wayne said it to Garth because he was afraid that if he talked to his dream girl, he would throw up.
Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I have and if you had the sense of a billy goat, you’d clean your house up instead of bumming around ours.’
Abuse me for I will not care.
Curse me when I stray from fair.
Brute force won’t put me in my place.
Smooth and even wins the race.
Envy colors where I rest.
No sandy beaches for the best.
ANSWER: A Golf ball
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
There are two groups of four-letter words used in the sentences below. The first missing words of each sentence are anagrams of each other, and the second missing words are also anagrams of each other. Can you find them ?
1. The ______ gender of this king of animals has an astounding _____ of hair around his regal and fearful face.
2. That’s a ______ excuse, you cannot get away without giving us the _____ of the person who helped you in this theft.
3. Before each ______, it is customary to say Grace and end with _______.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE MOVES BANKS
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/