WELCOME to Tuesday, January 26, 2016.
Here’s the story…….(More Puns)
A man hit another on the head with a soda bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song “Let’s Get Fizzy-Kill”.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn’t my cup of tea.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn’t stand the agony of de feet.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“A new study found that the amount of man-made heat that’s absorbed by the ocean has doubled since 1997. The main source of that heat? That kid who’s waist deep at the beach with that weird smile on his face.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A Florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the question: How much is that doggie in the window?” -Seth Meyers
“A new study from Cambridge University says that Spiderman should not be able to climb walls. According to the study, the largest animal capable of wall climbing is the gecko. And I’m not sure if Kirsten Dunst wants to kiss one of those upside down.” -Stephen Colbert
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
I had noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
“Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “The only difference is, before he didn’t listen to me. Now, he can’t.”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘He was drunk when he parked it. Never got around to leveling it.’
Answer: Dancer Texas! Squirrel said this to Sue Ann about his dad parking the trailer on a slant.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.’
In this teaser you have been given two definitions. Each pair of definitions is for two unrelated words. Your task is to discover what these two words are. In the answer to the second word, I took the first word, but changed one of its letters to make a completely different word. (i.e. table – fable)
1. To protect or conceal something – A group of 13 witches.
2. Something that causes things to be made visible – A supernatural being.
3. An announcement of impending information – Someone who has been received into a religious order for an initial period of probation.
4. The center of man’s thought, intellect and understanding process – To drink all the contents of a glass or cup
ANSWER: 1. Cover – coven 2. Light – wight 3. Notice – novice 4. Brain – drain
‘Drain’ is used in this sense: “The man will thirstily drain his glass when he arrives home tonight.”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Abuse me for I will not care.
Curse me when I stray from fair.
Brute force won’t put me in my place.
Smooth and even wins the race.
Envy colors where I rest.
No sandy beaches for the best.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/