WELCOME to Monday, January 19, 2016.
1. After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
2. We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
3. What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
4. My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
5. Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance? A: To get to the other side.
6. My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
7. If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
8. What is the sound of no hands texting?
9. If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
10. To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
11. I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
12. Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:
• Counting Crows Feet
• Nine Inch Toenails
• Hair Supply
• Minivan Morrison
• The Early Byrds
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“The $1.568 billion Powerball jackpot will be split three ways. You break it down, each of the three winners will receive $529 million – and 250 new relatives.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Oscar nominations were announced today and Sylvester Stallone is up for best supporting actor. Stallone said today that it was an honor to be nominated. Or he said it’s an ‘awkward denominator.'” -Seth Meyers
“A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, ‘retirement savings?'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘That’s no moon, it’s a space station!
Answer: Twister! Beltzer said it during the tornado that jumped on the big hill.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘NeoMcCarthyism, I like that.’ What line is this from?
My work is based on give and take
I can make a difference by a hand shake
The older I get the smaller I grow
And my best friend is my worst foe
What am I?
ANSWER: Soap. (Give and take=give foam and take away dirt, by a hand shake=as you use me when rubbing your hands, the older I get the smaller I grow=since I dissolve, my best friend is my worst foe=water which helps me do my work but at the same time dissolves me.)
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Which is the only word in the English language to be comprised of two letters, each used three times?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/