Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, January 29, 2016.      

Punography for the weekend…   

Addition in a dark Chinese restaurant is “dim sum”.

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.

Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin’ King

What’s a three-season bed? One without a spring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam.

I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn’t sure wick end was up.

How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.

Where does McDonald’s get its burgers from? Macau.

When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.

They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn’t a-Ford bail.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to be a teacher, but found I didn’t have enough class.

I tried looking for gold, but it didn’t pan out.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? “Gosh, I could have had a V-8!”

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

What did the toy store sign say? Don’t feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr………… 

“Use me, God. Show me how to take who I am, who I want to be, and what I can do, and use it for a purpose greater than myself.”

“Find a voice in a whisper.”

“We shall overcome.”

“Not everybody can be famous but everybody can be great because greatness is determined by service…You only need a heart full of grace and a soul generated by love.”

“You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say.”

 “If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. But by all means, keep moving.”

“To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing.”’

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before

the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet

behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the

men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,”

said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of

roles?”  Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines.” 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘These are the rules, listen carefully: No smoking, no drinking, no drugs. No sex. No cheating. No lying, no gambling, no matches.’ 

Answer:  Outside Providence! Mr. Funderberk was telling Timothy the rules when he got to school. Tim replied by saying ‘No Stuff!’ And Mr. Funderbeck replied by saying ‘No swearing.’ This movie is awesome. It has Shawn Hatosy (Stan in ‘The Faculty’) and Alec Baldwin.

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘If bachelorette number one isn’t out here in half a tick I’m gonna ice bachelorette number two, got it?’

 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What has the head of a horse, the tail of a monkey, eyes like a chameleon, and the pouch of a kangaroo?

  

ANSWER: A seahorse (male) 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Replace each word or words in parentheses with a one-word synonym to decipher a common phrase.

1. (Similar to) (male parent), (relating to) (male child).

2. (Everything) that (sparkles) is not (Au).

3. (Awful) (information) (moves) (lickety-split). 

 
 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE MOVES BANKS

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LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, January 28, 2016.    

Here’s the story…. One night at about 3 a.m. my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bathroom.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea.” -Seth Meyers

“Winter storm Jonas slammed the East Coast, some places got up to 3 feet of snow. All weekend I I did not leave the house or take a shower. I did get up early on Sunday to do some shoveling, of pancakes into my mouth.” -Stephen Colbert

“In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up in a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn’t stopped to sniff people’s butts.” -Jimmy Kimmel  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.  

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘I have and if you had the sense of a billy goat, you’d clean your house up instead of bumming around ours.” 

Answer:  The Outsiders! Ponyboy said this to Two-Bit about his house being dirty.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘These are the rules, listen carefully: No smoking, no drinking, no drugs. No sex. No cheating. No lying, no gambling, no matches.’

 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

There are two groups of four-letter words used in the sentences below. The first missing words of each sentence are anagrams of each other, and the second missing words are also anagrams of each other. Can you find them ?

1. The ______ gender of this king of animals has an astounding _____ of hair around his regal and fearful face.

2. That’s a ______ excuse, you cannot get away without giving us the _____ of the person who helped you in this theft.

3. Before each ______, it is customary to say Grace and end with _______.  

ANSWER: 1. The MALE gender of this king of animals has an astounding MANE of hair around his regal and fearful face.

2. That’s a LAME excuse, you cannot get away without giving us the NAME of the person who helped you in this theft.

3. Before each MEAL, it is customary to say Grace and end with AMEN.

Anagram groups –  Group 1 : MALE, LAME, MEAL    Group 2 : MANE, NAME, AMEN 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What has the head of a horse, the tail of a monkey, eyes like a chameleon, and the pouch of a kangaroo?

 
 
 
 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE MOVES BANKS

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LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, January 27, 2016.     

Middle of the week puns…. 

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.

Never give your uncle an anteater.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.

I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau

I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me. 

I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld….the charge was playjerism.

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn’t rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid

I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick ’em up!

What’s musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Every man is the builder of a temple called his body.” 

–Henry David Thoreau 

“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.”

–Mark Twain 

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” 

–Pablo Picasso  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, 

it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.Emoji 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.’

Answer:  Wayne’s World! Wayne said it to Garth because he was afraid that if he talked to his dream girl, he would throw up. 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I have and if you had the sense of a billy goat, you’d clean your house up instead of bumming around ours.’

 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Abuse me for I will not care.

Curse me when I stray from fair.

Brute force won’t put me in my place.

Smooth and even wins the race.

Envy colors where I rest.

No sandy beaches for the best.   

ANSWER: A Golf ball 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

There are two groups of four-letter words used in the sentences below. The first missing words of each sentence are anagrams of each other, and the second missing words are also anagrams of each other. Can you find them ?

1. The ______ gender of this king of animals has an astounding _____ of hair around his regal and fearful face.

2. That’s a ______ excuse, you cannot get away without giving us the _____ of the person who helped you in this theft.

3. Before each ______, it is customary to say Grace and end with _______.

 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE MOVES BANKS

EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji              

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, January 26, 2016.     

Here’s the story…….(More Puns)

A man hit another on the head with a soda bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song “Let’s Get Fizzy-Kill”. 

Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away. 

I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn’t my cup of tea. 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure). 

Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem 

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn’t stand the agony of de feet.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Ancient orators tended to Babylon. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“A new study found that the amount of man-made heat that’s absorbed by the ocean has doubled since 1997. The main source of that heat? That kid who’s waist deep at the beach with that weird smile on his face.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“A Florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the question: How much is that doggie in the window?” -Seth Meyers

“A new study from Cambridge University says that Spiderman should not be able to climb walls. According to the study, the largest animal capable of wall climbing is the gecko. And I’m not sure if Kirsten Dunst wants to kiss one of those upside down.” -Stephen Colbert

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I had noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. 

“Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “The only difference is, before he didn’t listen to me. Now, he can’t.”Emoji

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘He was drunk when he parked it. Never got around to leveling it.’  

Answer:  Dancer Texas! Squirrel said this to Sue Ann about his dad parking the trailer on a slant.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.’

 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser you have been given two definitions. Each pair of definitions is for two unrelated words. Your task is to discover what these two words are. In the answer to the second word, I took the first word, but changed one of its letters to make a completely different word. (i.e. table – fable)

1. To protect or conceal something – A group of 13 witches.

2. Something that causes things to be made visible – A supernatural being.

3. An announcement of impending information – Someone who has been received into a religious order for an initial period of probation.

4. The center of man’s thought, intellect and understanding process – To drink all the contents of a glass or cup 

  

ANSWER: 1. Cover – coven  2. Light – wight  3. Notice – novice  4. Brain – drain 

‘Drain’ is used in this sense: “The man will thirstily drain his glass when he arrives home tonight.”  

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Abuse me for I will not care.

Curse me when I stray from fair.

Brute force won’t put me in my place.

Smooth and even wins the race.

Envy colors where I rest.

No sandy beaches for the best.

 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, January 25, 2016.    

Monday’s Punography……. 

What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.

Bakers share their bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

Nylons give women a run for their money.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

Some people don’t like food going to waist.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired. 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

What did the painter say to the wall? “One more crack and I’ll plaster you!”

Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

Old policemen never die, they just cop out. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Amazon has begun revealing details about its upcoming drone delivery program, such as drones adapted specifically to the climate of the city they are in. For example, the Chicago drone will be equipped to handle cold weather, the Seattle drone will be waterproof, and the Detroit drone will be on fire.” -Seth Meyers

“A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: ‘To be, or not to be… Wait, what was the question?'” -Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you’re an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”Emoji 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Oh, I’m sorry! Peck! Peck! Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck!’   

Answer: Willow! Madmartigan said it to Willow while he was in the cage.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘He was drunk when he parked it. Never got around to leveling it.’ 

 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I have one, you have one.

If you remove the first letter, a bit remains.
If you remove the second, bit still remains.
After much trying, you might be able to remove the third one also, but it remains.

It dies hard!   

ANSWER:  Habit! 

Remove h – a bit remains.

Remove a – bit remains.

Remove b – it remains.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser you have been given two definitions. Each pair of definitions is for two unrelated words. Your task is to discover what these two words are. In the answer to the second word, I took the first word, but changed one of its letters to make a completely different word. (i.e. table – fable)

1. To protect or conceal something – A group of 13 witches.

2. Something that causes things to be made visible – A supernatural being.

3. An announcement of impending information – Someone who has been received into a religious order for an initial period of probation.

4. The center of man’s thought, intellect and understanding process – To drink all the contents of a glass or cup.

 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! Emoji

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LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

12049148_840057156092271_5903530800150482983_nWELCOME to Friday, January 22, 2016.    

Friday’s Puns…………. 

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Cannibals like to meat people.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Gardeners always know the ground rules.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”

A dentist married a manicurist, but they fought tooth and nail.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

I used to work for a blanket factory, but the company folded.

What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.

Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

In some places fog will never be mist.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

What grows up while growing down? A goose.

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 

Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.

A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can’t venom all. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr…………..

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.”

“The time is always right to do the right thing.”

“Free at last, free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.”

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy to a friend.”

“If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.”

“It does not matter how long you live, but how well you do it.”

“When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows.” 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A piece of string walked into a bar and said “Gimme a beer!” but the bartender said “Get outta here! We don’t serve your kind here!” So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said “Aren’t you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?” No, the string replied, “I’m a frayed knot!” Emoji

 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I feel like I’m Hans Solo, and you’re Chewie, and she’s Ben Kenobi, and we’re in that freaked-up bar.’ 

Answer:  Dogma! Jay said this when they were getting coffee. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Oh, I’m sorry! Peck! Peck! Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck!’  

 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

In these Word Pyramids, the first letter is given to you (which is the first answer). Use the clues to build the pyramid to find the answer. In each consecutive answer, a letter is added to the previous answer. However, the answer letters might not be in the same order. Good Luck!!

Starting letter: I

Clues:

1. 3.1415926535…

2. to cut, tear apart

3. a support for two adjacent bridge spans

4. first in excellence, quality, or value

5. —— State Building   

ANSWER: I

PI

RIP

PIER

PRIME

EMPIRE

The Empire State Building is once again New York City’s tallest skyscraper (it was for nearly 40 years prior to the World Trade Center). The building is a symbol of this city and was constructed in only two years – 1930 to 1931. It stands 1,453 feet tall and weighs approximately 365,000 tons.  

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I have one, you have one.

If you remove the first letter, a bit remains.
If you remove the second, bit still remains.
After much trying, you might be able to remove the third one also, but it remains.
It dies hard!
 
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! Emoji

EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

12039315_840057166092270_6111841222610078643_nWELCOME to Thursday, January 21, 2016.      

More Puns…………. 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”

Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.

I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

What you seize is what you get.

I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “Oh, pun the door!”Emoji 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“During a speech in Iowa this weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they ‘can’t have it all.’ Billionaires would have responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. Shortly afterwards it became host to the world’s slowest bar fight ever.” -Conan O’Brien

“A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day.” -Seth Meyers 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, “Your daughter will be 17 inches long,” to which Reynoldo replied, 

“Do you know the weight too, San Jose?” Emoji  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘You ruined my jacket! Kill him a lot!’  

Answer:   Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Amilyn said this when Pike cut his arm off on the roof of his van.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I feel like I’m Hans Solo, and you’re Chewie, and she’s Ben Kenobi, and we’re in that freaked-up bar.’

 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

What is this phrase?

King Garfield and Queen Felix

King Scooby and Queen Lassie   

ANSWER:  Raining (reigning) cats and dogs!

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

In these Word Pyramids, the first letter is given to you (which is the first answer). Use the clues to build the pyramid to find the answer. In each consecutive answer, a letter is added to the previous answer. However, the answer letters might not be in the same order. Good Luck!!

Starting letter: I

Clues:

1. 3.1415926535…

2. to cut, tear apart

3. a support for two adjacent bridge spans

4. first in excellence, quality, or value

5. —— State Building

 
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! Emoji

EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.