WELCOME to Tuesday, November 24, 2015.
THE MODERN TOOLBOX:
Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light – A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.
Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, ‘Way to go, Einstein.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new report, America’s teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America’s teenagers will never understand the report because they’re 85th in reading.” -Conan O’Brien
“Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids who don’t know what a dictionary is, it’s a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘So what are you saying? That there’s no God, but there’s you?’
Answer: Fearless! Starring Benicio Del Toro and John Turturro.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Until you are able to commit a simple act of terror, I strongly advise you to avoid anything as complex as murder.’
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
As you are reading this message, you will notice some spelling errors. Do not be frigtened, however. This is how you must anelyze:
First, find al of the missing, repeated, or incorrect letters.
Second, alow yurself to look at these and look at the wword that is represinted.
Finally, tell me a numbur that most commonnly is associated with the word.
ANSWER: Missing, Repeated, and Incorrect Letters:
Number: 31 (Halloween is the 31st of October)
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are ten clues, each of which relates to the first line of a different Christmas carol or song. Unlike the title of the teaser, these clues only have the first letters of each of the words.
Can you figure out what songs they are?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/