WELCOME to Monday, November 9, 2015.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, but the ways they die are a lot more embarrassing.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bipolar medication on Halloween instead of candy. The victims say they’re sad that it happened, but happy that it happened.” -Seth Meyers
“A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, ‘Nuh-uh!'” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
“So what changed your mind?” I asked him.
“I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?!'”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Why do you let her do this to you?” “Because I like it!”
Answer: Son of Darkness! After seeing the marks on her brother’s neck, Nina wonders why he would let someone mutilate him like that.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Which 92? We did 17, we did 18. Oh, my god, it’s 1992, isn’t it? I’ve just wasted a whole century.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
1. I am always excited
2. I tell people where things are at
3. You can play a game on me
4. I’m very rich
5. I give percentages
6. I am always looking up
8. I look like a light in the sky
9. I keep things arranged that are to my right
10. I keep things arranged that are to my left
What Are We?
ANSWER: The number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0 on a US keyboard when you hold the shift button down.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
For each of the following clues, what is a synonym that contains the letters CAT?
3.What you get with a doctor’s prescription
5.Time off from school or work
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/