Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, October 26, 2015.   

Today’s Pondering…… 

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Why do they report power outages on TV? 

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11? 

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulance or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything I’ve been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna’s baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday and whatever you do,  

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    

 

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“This week was Earth Science week. It’s the week you have to celebrate if you aren’t smart enough for bio or chemistry week.” -Seth Meyers 

“New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the ‘American Dream.’ That’s when you know things are bad – when even the American DREAM is made in China.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is ‘password.'” –Conan O’Brien  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before. 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “There isn’t any magic.”  

Answer: Martin! Not really one of my favorites, but it was so quirky, I had to mention it. Martin says this to his uncle who is convinced he is a real, Dracula-type vampire, but Martin knows he is just a sick kid who likes to drink blood.   

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I want no quarrel with him.” “No, no, it’s already begun!”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I have two arms and a back,

Supported by four legs.

But there is something I do lack,

Actually, I have no eyes to see.

I also cannot move around,

Or at least, not on my own.

Unfortunately I can make no sound,

Except perhaps a squeak.

If you chop off my head,

You are left with a hair.

If you chop off my tail,

Only tea is left there.

One more clue I will add,

Is that you often use me.

Yet you barely ever notice,

In fact I’d much rather be a tree. 

What am I?  

ANSWER: A Chair. If you chop off the first letter, you are left with “hair”.  

If you chop off the last letter, you are left with “chai”. 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The blanks in the following sentences will be filled in with three different homonyms (words that are spelled differently but sound alike) to make valid sentences. The dashes indicate the number of letters in the words. Can you fill in the blanks?

1. The cut on his _ _ _ _ won’t _ _ _ _ in time for the race, so _ _ ‘_ _ have to drop out.

2. The man was so upset about being _ _ _ _ that he regularly _ _ _ _ _ _ himself up on the bed and _ _ _ _ _ _ his eyes out.

3. I couldn’t _ _ _ _ _ any of the _ _ _ _ _ _ in the flower shop, because for some strange reason I had 50 _ _ _ _ _ crammed up my nose.

4. A bloodthirsty pirate will wander the _ _ _ _ and essentially _ _ _ _ _ everything he _ _ _ _.         

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com.

 

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