WELCOME to Friday, September 25, 2015.
Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer’s transcripts of real court cases.
Lawyer’s question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness’s answer: Not yet.
Lawyer’s Question: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Defendant: The victim lived.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Lawyer’s question: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
Witness’s answer: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
Lawyer’s Question: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES FOR THE WEEKEND….
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. Jane Wagner
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. Samuel Johnson
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. ‘Hello?’
‘Hello, is this FBI?’
‘Yes. What do you want?’
‘I’m calling to report my neighbor Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.’
‘This will be noted.’
Next day, the FBI visit Graham’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.
The phone then rings at Graham’s house. ‘Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?’
‘Yeah, they did.’
‘Did they chop your firewood?’
‘Yep, every piece.’
‘Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden dug.’
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘This is an incredibly romantic moment, and you’re ruining it here with me.’
Answer: Pretty in Pink! Ducky, persuading Andi to go after Blaine.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘That’s a picture one of my kids did. There’s Santa Claus, and there’s Mrs. Claus.’ ‘Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?’ ‘Eleven.’
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Here are some more well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms.
1. Projecting short, loud, canine-like noises erroneously toward the top of an incorrect arboreal plant.
2. To subject a slender illumination device to rapid carbonization on its antipodal points.
3. To slay a brace of avian creatures with just a single petrous conglomeration.
4. Like sending dense shelly concretions through the air to fall in front of stout-bodied, artiodactyl creatures.
ANSWER: 1. Barking up the wrong tree.
2. Burn the candles at both ends.
3. Kill two birds with one stone.
4. Casting pearls before swine.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
On the wing, the breeze seduced me.
Newly born to take my flight.
From the darkness I did rupture.
From my prison, wrapped up tight.
Come to rest on petals of brightness.
All can see, my change is cast.
I flutter by in paper lightness.
And my species, they are vast.
Darwin wrote of my pure beauty.
I’m collected, caught in nets.
Forever free to dance my duty.
Never kept as pets.
What am I?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/